God's Will

I always thought He desired not the death of any of his creatures, but this last week I've been bombarded with evidence saying the contrary. It made sense to me that God would desire a return to his original diet- vegetarianism- both for us humans and for his beloved creatures. I thought it was wrong to kill.

But the Bible simply doesn't state that, as many an online Christian would have me know. There are (probably heretical) Christians who claim that extra-biblical works prove the actual vegetarianism of Jesus and many of his disciples (such as Clement of Alexandria, Iraneus, Hegsesippus, etc.), but I can't know to trust them over the Bibles contained on my shelf. Their testimony is interesting, and a huge part of me clings to it still, and I'd love to know the truth behind the claims of what they wrote. Yet... To believe, as they state (only a century after the death of Christ), that Christianity includes vegetarianism is to believe that the Bible is corrupt beyond repair, and that is to believe that I (and billions of others) have been misinformed about the nature of Christ... And then what? Christianity is devoluted to nothing more than a new-agey belief that there's a loving God, the Holy Spirit, and a messiah, Jesus, who was man and God and who was crucified 2000 years ago.

So my extra-biblical moral compass is waning and faltering. I can't say I want the death of an animal, but I suppose I have no grounds, religiously, to even try to convince others to not contribute to animal death because the savior of the world ate fish and probably other meats. So I suppose any sorrow I have for this situation is misplaced. Yet I cannot shake it... So.. I am still a vegan. (Maybe I should just say plant-based now?) Now, though, I truly feel what St. Paul said: That my faith is weak. Somehow, my faith is so weak that I believed God wanted us to be merciful to his creatures and, thus, not slaughter and consume them if we could at all help it.

Instead, as those with more faith than I believe, I should take the stance that we must raise our animals and slaughter them in a God-pleasing (still sounds like an oxymoron to me) way, that is, ethically. Thus, the rabbit, goat, sheep, cow, and chicken we love today can be ate tomorrow... And all of this is not a moral issue.

This throws a wrench in my life plans and in my life's purpose, and I don't yet know what it will bring, ultimately.

My History Teacher

I am incredibly blessed this year/semester with wonderful teachers. One of them, especially, stands out as one who will undoubtedly profoundly affect me: my history teacher. Maybe after I graduate I shall name him by name; for now, however, I shall keep him shrouded in anonymity.

Though he's already said tens of things I wish desperately to recall later in life, there's one cluster of subjects which I really wished to record before they left my recollection: him and God.

He's not a mainstream Christian- if he's even a Christian at all- but my teacher has something lacking in many: a humility towards God Himself. Though he'll laugh at the Medieval Catholic church until Kingdom come, my teacher is not one to view human faith as a bad thing. In fact- and this surprised me- he even digressed one day to tell us that human faith was, to him, a beautiful thing; perhaps the most beautiful, and that faith was a wonderful thing to keep in mind and in heart. Which leads to the second thing pertaining to this topic I wished to reiterate: the fact that only now, with humanity so far removed from nature and kindness and relationships, do humans dare to deny the existence of any god whatsoever. Atheists are a modern phenomena, and it is most foolish to view something which has existed throughout all of humanity's history- a belief in the supernatural- as foolish.

Strange. Maybe the opinionated non-traditional/maybe-non-Christian European History teacher I have will end up being a boon to my own neglected faith.

Diabetes and the Sermon on the Mount

I will not attempt a thorough analysis of the relationship between having a disease you must look after nearly 24 hours a day (and I know diabetes isn't the only one!), but will instead post random tidbits and my thoughts/complaints/laments about them.

One of the many dilemma I've yet to resolve concerning diabetes is the conflict between having to dedicate so much thought, time, and care to my own health vs. how I am meant to (in a perfect world) be selfless and eager to think of others first. My faith- nay, all faiths, I believe- would have me strive to think less of worldly things (think: my own wants, problems, etc.) and instead consider more how I might help others. I still am desirous of becoming more and more selfless, but (yes, in many ways this is nothing but an excuse) diabetes impedes that.

1. Matthew 5:40-42 says that we should give to all those who ask of us and not seek retaliation ("Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."). This I can do without bodily threat to some extent. However, hypothetically speaking, what if what someone requires of me is the food I had allotted to myself to stave off hypoglycemia? It's improbable, but it might one day happen... And if it did, I know that if my reaction were to squander the food from someone starving or desperately in need I would deserve no mercy.
2. Matthew 6:19-24 is the oft quoted section of the bible which instructs us to "lay up for ourselves treasure in heaven", not on earth. This, as most (all?) Christians are taught, is done through charitable work, prayer, and by obeying God. We are not to worry so much about whether we have enough food, money, or water- those things, in the entire scheme of your eternal life, are unimportant- you should trust that God will provide for you, in this life or the next. Yet...In order to help ensure my wretched survival, I must by necessity store up insulin, syringes, test strips, ketone strips, cotton balls, alcohol, etc. This pursuit may very well hinder my storing up of imperishable things in heaven, for it is a selfish one (meaning it is concerned only with me and my continued survival). In my experience, selfish thoughts beget selfish thoughts which, in turn, beget selfish acts...
3. Matthew 6:25-34 (a small section of this is posted on the side of my blog) speaks of how one should not be anxious for their needs because God will provide for us just as he does so for the birds of the field. Once again, to some extent, I can safely practice this and, indeed, should. God will provide for me life-giving things, including insulin and food, if that is His will. Yet insulin is not something that God would necessarily bring down from heaven to lay at my side (as food sometimes is- with little effort, food can be provided through either caring strangers, food pantries, wild bushes, etc.). Yes, God certainly could do that, or he could miraculously keep me alive without synthetic insulin for a time if He chose. But insulin, as I have it, is a man-made thing; it is fashioned after what God gave me but then took away. If civilization collapses, so do I, after a short time. I do need to decrease my anxiety due to diabetes, though.

After writing this, I realize I just need to trust. Trusting God for insulin seems different than trusting him for food or water, two natural things. Yet, in the end, for however long He will continue to provide it, it always comes from Him, right? Though a pharmacist dispenses mine to me, does He not really deliver it to me? To trust this wholly will take more faith than I have presently, I think.

Yours to Hold

I wanted to share this video/song on here. Perhaps this sort of music is effective most on my generation, but maybe it will be of some worth to others.

There was a time when I looked at this song solely through a romantic view, but that view kept me from appreciating the true purpose of the song and the truest message located within it. You see, Skillet is not just a modern alternative/rock band, they are a modern alternative/rock Christian band: the message of this song is not that a mortal loves us (though undoubtedly there are always those who do), but that our creator does... And that He waits even while we are oblivious to His affection.

A Twisted Blessing.. Nay, A Curse.

I have a hypothesis:

The giving of animals for food, the so-beloved allowance from God after the flood, was a curse. Any day I would rather have a fellowship with creatures of another species rather than have the permission to slaughter them. For our callousness, perhaps, we were estranged from nature.

(Beginning of Genesis 9: "And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs...")

http://www.all-creatures.org/sermons98/s20110709.html

"Why do we mourn the death of an animal?

It’s because we have made a spiritual connection with the soul and spirit of that animal, or even the entire animal kingdom.

By comparison, we have no such spiritual connection with an inanimate asphalt road surface.

We may like driving on a smooth road surface, but we don’t form any loving relationships with it as we do with our fellow human beings or animals.

We may even get upset when the road surface begins to break up and gets pot holes, but we don’t mourn it, and immediately want to heal it and rush it to the vet for treatment, for we have no spiritual connection with it."

What I'm Thankful for... And, because I have the right to laugh..

I'm going to go straight for the inappropriate (in a non perverse way) part of this post. I have diabetes, and dang it, I have the right to think this is one of the best things ever.

Ahem. Now that that is done, I can get to the actual content of this post. Today, in an effort to be less BLAH, I am going to simply list what I am thankful for.

1. The food I ate today. It was delicious and a great deal of it was fresh.. And raw!*
2. The fact that if I keep my carbohydrate intake at 30g net carb or lower per meal, I can skip bolus shots... Today I haven't had any and have had good numbers before meals!
3. The "old tyme" photograph of my boyfriend and I sitting next to the monitor. It's a good photo. I should post it.
4. My pretty-much very pleasant vacation two weeks ago.
5. Seeing my younger cousins, aunt, and my (also diabetic) uncle in Indiana.
6. Weighing 130 lbs but still having my normal clothing fit!
7. The peaceful, almost serene walk I took today. (It was gently raining and the sky was a light grey.)
8. Being ahead in one class, on-pace in two others, and only a bit behind in the fourth.
9. Tutoring my mother's friend's son.
10. A decent "harvest" of lima beans from the garden.
11. Having a still-unopened jar of Artisana raw cacao butter...... I cannot wait to try it....
12. Insulin analogs (especially since it is now derived from bacterium, not pigs or cows).
13. My boyfriend, Wesley.
14. ASPARAGUS! I love it!
    (Not my photograph. They're just cute.. And yummy... And low carb.)

And that ends that.

*I am attempting a dietary cleanse of sorts, half-inspired by The Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. On vacation, you see, I ate tons of processed foods (and some non-processed, too, but still) and a lot of carbohydrate. I desire to lose a pound or two, eat healthy (which would mean, at the moment, more fresh/lightly cooked non-starchy veggies, fruits, and less grain products), and get my blood glucose numbers into the really good range (80 mg/dL or so before meals). Thus, I am going to eat high(er) raw- today was about 60%, I'd say- and avoid gluten (but only for a short while on that front).

For His Creation He Does Care...

Thank you, Brian D. McLaren, for writing your book Everything Must Change and reminding me that God loves all his creation: Man and woman, pagan or Christian or Jew or Muslim or Hindu, human and animal, animal and plant, etc. For a long while I've longed for some indication outside of myself and my own interpretations of the existence of humans, animals,and nature that God has a concern for those things which I am driven most towards.

Nature is not only God's blessing to us; nature is God's loved, intrinsically-worthwhile masterpiece. That, in my mind and interpretation, is why we should not only appreciate it every once in a while but commune in it daily, fight to protect it, and not desire to be far from it- in distance or in deed.

Food Obsession

"Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

I admit it!

Food has become an absolute obsession with me as of late, and it is driving me insane. The difficulties of 1. maintaining my weight, 2. eating enough to get me through exercise sessions without going into insulin shock, 3. being a diabetic in general, 4. eating healthy, and 5. being vegan are, lately, taking up a great part of my brain.

I need balance in this situation: I do not believe it ethical to consume animal products (excluding honey: sorry bees), nor do I believe it to be healthy (especially for me! But read the China Study if you wish to hear more of a professional opinion); I cannot eat with abandon unhealthy foods for fear of short-term and long-term diabetic complications; I cannot eat too little or not enough for fear of aforementioned insulin shock. Combine this with my inherent (yet occasionally haphazard) environmentalism, wish to be frugal and not waste my "special" vegan foods, and desire for social justice and you have a girl who now devotes a shameful amount of time to thinking what she should eat for dinner. Or as a snack. Or as an evening snack. Or if I need a quick blood sugar pick-me-up. Etc.

That all being said, I am not wholly consumed. I can still back down and find some balance. Yet I sense I should act soon, for I've been neglecting some very important things (such as spiritual development and charity), and without those things, I can sense that something in me is developing awry. One positive thing: it makes me realize again what "dust" I am and how terribly selfish and, in fact, evil I am and shall be always while I live.

Nothing a little prayer can't fix, I'd wager; but in the mean time, I am giving myself a headache! Or maybe that's just my needing to eat soon.

Which do I fear: humans or God?

That is the question...

I won't go into details. I have told as many people as need to know my dilemma(s); I have brought upon headaches and dread in thinking through the issue and its ramifications. Being human, I am tired already of deliberating... But I cannot and won't give up on the matter, for surely above all else, God must be against the complacent, no?...

Thoughts on Vegetarianism and God

This list will not, alas, demonstrate the thoughts of one who is well-versed in logic or whose great insight into matters really has a chance at shedding new light on situations. This is just a collage of sorts of various viewpoints on the matter and my corresponding thoughts.

With that said....

1. If God's intent is to redeem a fallen world and if, as it states in Genesis, all creation was vegetarian in the beginning (meaning no death of beings capable of feeling pain or pleasure), then should not Christians hold a general interest in returning to this state, just as Christians are to be zealous in returning love, charity, and meaning (all of which were natural to creation initially) to a fallen world? Or is vegetarianism something seen as a lesser good- a thing that shall be rectified in heaven but is perfectly permissable on Earth? If so...
2. Has God no mercy upon the lower animals? I can comprehend His loving humanity above all (because we, as far as reason can show, are imbued with a bit of God's nature [reason] which other animals lack; at least to the extent we have it), but I cannot quite see his gladly (gladly being the key word) giving the lives of countless of his other, lesser creations so that we may eat something that is more or less (in most situations) unnecessary. In short, I can't see God not caring for the lesser animals (after all, he made them, too), and if He cares for them, I can't see His considering their death an optimal thing.
3. C.S. Lewis, in his book The Problem of Pain, dedicates a short chapter to non-human suffering. I have yet to finish it, so my observations thus far may be inaccurate of the piece as a whole; however, he seems to view animals as falling into two categories: in the first are the higher animals, such as dogs, cats, livestock, dolphins, etc., and these animals may be said to have a soul through their human caregivers and therefore might have eternal life; the second category- lower animals- lack this vicarious soul. I am curious as to whether or not he shall directly answer the question of consuming any of the higher (or lower) creatures; I suppose he shall answer in favor of doing so, for I see no indication that he practiced vegetarianism.
4. On that great site of wisdom, Youtube, I saw a video not too long ago telling Christians to beware the demonic deception of the Animal Rights movement. Obviously, this upset me, for I have long struggled with my identity as a Christian vegetarian/vegan. Most Christians remain indifferent to the issue or state that meat is a God-granted privilege, to be truthful, I see both positions to be lacking (the first because I fancy that they are unwilling to change their statement should they decide that the ethical thing to do is abstain; the second, really, is likely in most people to only be a modification of the first, except they believe they have reached an ethical stance). If the issue obviously wasn't too big of a one in the history of Christianity and if the Bible does indicate many times over the killing of animals for sacrifice and consumption and the fact that false doctrines may arise in the Church and lead some astray, then it can be assumed that the Bible is either indifferent towards the matter (which would be strange, considering it is an ethical choice) or offer only the consumption of an omnivorous diet as God-pleasing, if natural, choice. Yet my conscious and reason tell me that this could not easily be so (Granted, I am fallible and able to be deceived).
5. If only for health and environmental purposes, the Church, if it will not advocate a vegetarian diet (not force, mind you), should incorporate some of its tenets into its functions. For instance: many church functions I've attended (hosted by many different denominations of Christianity) offer food that is known to be quite unhealthy (hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, pizza, ice cream, sausage, etc.). This in a country where so many are afflicted with illness due to poor choice in diet! Not only that, but the environmental toll of such unappreciated and generic meat is great and shall only serve to burden future generations (should they even come) with greater levels of pollution, famine, and poverty. The Church, to show love in all ways it can, should help promote health, not death; it should protect all, not exacerbate their future endangerment; it should help all to make wise decisions and perhaps assist church members and non-members to learn the true value of food and appreciate it as a gift from God.

That is all for now. I hope everyone is well.

Is it Safe to Admit..

That I am a sinner? I have viewed such a thing as a given to all, and certainly it is. I always supposed that to casually admit flaws meant that one had accepted their sin and desired to leave it be.

Perhaps I am wrong, though. Maybe some deep appreciation that I AM A SINNER need be made for me to advance. I have been all things in my seasons: lair, cheater, sloth, miserly, etc. I fear I shall return to them (as a dog returns to its vomit, nonetheless) in time; I fear I may not have been affected by the Gospel as is fitting for someone who professes Christianity.

My outside is clean, relatively-speaking, but all who know me better see the darkness I harbor. Those who know me not think me simple and a sort of pure that is open to corruption... I am soft-spoken, quiet, reserved... But the deeper parts of me have welled up within and have had little release. My deepest good and evil alike are hidden. I am not as openly hatred or judgmental as I might be, but I am a far, far shot from the understanding, caring, long-suffering person I desire to be.

I simply don't like opening, so when I do, it is with backlash. Tonight, I had an enjoyable conversation; tonight, I feel like a fool for speaking at all. Did I say anything too uncouth? No. Did I say anything reproachable? Nay. Do I feel like a fool? Yes.

I am a sinner. Worst of all I know, in fact. Something has to change, for my life falls outside of all expectations held to it by any creed. I do not sleep at night feeling I did all I could or loved like I should have.. Is that what God's grace is for? Or have I still fallen grossly short of even His grace?

"Go, and do likewise.."

From this place, I am wrung, until dry;
All streams cease, yet again hope will flow.
I am but one life- and with that, a selfish one-
The reality of me is not as it should be; my
Hope comes with change.

Today, we studied a rather commonplace and inoffensive parable of Jesus's, recounted by Luke: the (ever-foolish) Good Samaritan. I know not the extent of any of your (my potential blog readers, that is) theological training in the Christian faith is, but I suppose that the tale, which involves a beaten, dying, and twice-ignored man rescued by who would normally be considered his religious and cultural enemy, is a popular one even amongst the most unknowing.

The Good Samaritan story has always filled me with a childish hope that, one day, I would have the opportunity to save a man (or woman's) life and to do so at my own expense and peril. That sentiment lives on in me, and for all I know, it may still need to come to maturity- lose some of it's childish glory. Yet my church- ever Lutheran and ever conservative in all manners of living-
did something wholly unexpected; they took the tale that so clearly speaks of sacrifice and unconditional love and did, perhaps, the most dehumanizing and unChristian thing to it: made it all about us and our safety.

(Disclaimer: should any Lutheran, whether a member of my specific church or not, read this, I tell you I do not renounce the creed of a Lutheran, just our responses as a whole to the Gospel {yet still I am an ultra-regular member of a LCMS congregation, to my perpetual disheartenment}.)

Jesus was NOT a safe man, and following him was no safer. He lived a life contrary to everyone else's of that day: where general religion dictated that revenge was warranted if it was "just," Jesus told his disciples to literally and figuratively "turn the other cheek" and be humiliated, hurt, robbed, or made insecure rather than retaliate. Jesus spoke to women (GASP! Them and their menstrual cycles!), Samaritans (as stated before, the Jew's cultural/religious enemy), and the lowest sinners. He overturned tables in the temple (my favorite Jesus scene), , and even allowed what was one of his closest friends and students to hand him over to those who desired to have him dead...

And if any doubt stands as to whether Jesus expected behavior of the same weird caliber when it came to his disciples and followers, the answer is all too clear: all throughout his ministry, he told his followers they would be hated, prosecuted, and killed; he told them they must be different from the world, yet reside in it, so as to help and guide who they might.

Which brings me back to the parable today. We were instructed to call upon the authorities should such a modern day "Good Samaritan" issue arrise. Do not stop; call 911. Do not help individuals; donate to organizations formed to do so.

That's all fine and dandy until you consider that such actions cost us nothing, and what costs us nothing does little for us or them. There is little love in donating money to a faceless cause. There is little love in standing by, as so many did in an article I clipped from the newspaper years ago telling of a man struck dead by a hit-and-run car who lay in the street for a relative eternity before anyone really was inclined to care.

A photograph accompanies the story. The man lying in the road is all of our shame, as is the one on the street corner and the one dying of malnutrition, half a world away.

I had forgotten..

Just what being a Christian meant for me.

It meant having hope, a family, a way, and a truth; it meant I didn't have to be vulgar, vengeful, judgmental, typical, lost, or alone; it meant that things didn't have to go my way for me to trust that something good would come. It meant that it wasn't all about me, no matter what "it" was, is, or would be.

So how came I to forget it all? Why did I discard my position on a rock for a place in quicksand?

Blue Like Jazz

Thank you, dear Wesley, for funding the cost of this book-$1.50 though it was- and unintentionally providing me with the key to the ailment I can't shake. There's irony in all of this; perhaps one day I may share it..

I wanted to write something bland and artsy-fartsy concise that really doesn't portray any clear meaning or purpose, but I had my first astute observation in a long time, and though it is likely stupid or the product of a mind desperate to have my own revelations (like the ones within this book) that will lift me from this horror, I am thankful for it.

In band, we slaved through a sight-reading piece that surpassed our technical ability, which resulted in a very large and wide-spread occurrence of "I just failed at something and now shall hide in shame and gather my wits" behavior. My band director called us out on it, as a whole, and told us to instead watch him when we fell behind or became lost. That's sort of like God. I have been hiding in failure for months and months, afraid to try and re-join the symphony but knowing that if I don't, I shall forever sit in waiting, shame, and timidity as it progresses on and on and I fall more and more behind.

That's all well and good, but what to do from here? I am bordering a period of collapse, I know. It is easy to tell: I haven't been able to view myself clearly for a long while and my periods of introspection are guarded and therefore largely false. But where shall I run and hide to do so? I can't fall apart at home, and I don't have anywhere else to disintegrate. I am like a cooking lobster, I imagine (seeing as I've never cooked a lobster and never shall); I am in the pot and scrambling for shelter before the heat turns up too high.. But escape can not and shall not happen.

Oh boy.

Internal Sabotage

I have a sour feeling all throughout my body. It's familiar; it's my greatest enemy. The subtle and banal evil within me that loves to eat at me and rob me of all hope or want for hope. The drive to act in spite towards myself and others and burn every bridge that keeps me alive. That, reader, is a small part- just one facet of a jewel stained red and with a black core. How could I not believe in a personal, saving God? How could I not believe there's a Devil out to seduce me into the evil that both existed within me since conception and was integrated into myself as I progressed?...

This feeling..

This emptiness...

It's a prozac moment. So beautiful. So ugly and worthless.

I, I am my greatest saboteur. Every hurt in my life was calculated by myself against myself- even, perhaps, those hurts that have long existed. Every failure is at my own hands; every shame is something I knew I would come to regret. We humans- we are great analogies of Satan and God. My shame is from my perversion of the truth and what is right; my joy is the preservation or reclamation of what should be. With that said, I do not believe I am a god or a demon- I just believe that both exert an influence upon me and I am quite sure I'd rather follow the pull of the first as much as I may.. Not only to earn his favor, which I could never do by myself, but to subsist and wrap myself around each day and everything- all the pain and the bittersweet joys (reminders, mainly, of pain, absence, and longing to come).

Let us pray I can fight this. I don't like the thought of losing or damaging any of what I have left.. And I don't like the path I would slip down were I to take one step.

An end? A brief respite? Or strength to carry through?

God, are you not known to work in ways unconventional?
If I am offered this chance, can I pass it?
Few are those who are to me
That which I have prayed daily for.

Psalm 88:

"...You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;....

Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?...

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair...

You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend."

Being that the world is a neurotic in nature as I can be, I cannot know whether this peace and happiness brought upon by what might, in the end, prove to be the silliest and most over-inflated blessing shall stay with me, or, if it does, in what form. I cannot discern the future for certain, so I shall rejoice and strengthen myself today.

To have a friend, even if tomorrow or the day after it all comes to naught, sustains me enough to give me some hope. I never expected to be given one again the old, dusty, mythical connection I felt before- and never did I think it would come from anyone but the one who I had allowed to intentionally and unintentionally scar me.

Perhaps, if you save my earthly life once, I may one day have strength to help save your eternal life, as well.

For now, thank you, God. Thank you, for even after I lost my friends and the companionship and emotional and psychological comfort they provided for me, you sent me something. Someone- a real life mortal- for me.

I feel quite good

No more again shall I entertain the thoughts that bring me to my ruin
Even with no clear path, I am relieved
With peace I may carry on.

Yesterday I felt positively wonderful. Today, I feel much the same, minus some of the euphoria- I have tricky tasks to manage. But perhaps I can manage them.

I hope to post again today, but I do not know if I shall. I am rather behind in a lot of things- I hide in fear of everything when depressed.

For once.. I wish to return to civilization.

Being alone is fine, when alone is what I choose,
After that, I long for the chance for a change.
Carelessness I cannot long uphold..
Kristen, my dear, you are meant to dream of better things while you have the good. Return!


I deeply want to attend school tomorrow. It is getting rather depressing and worrisome being cooped up in my house with both my eyes itching and being rather stiff. I'd rather go to school and face the bittersweet reality of possibility and failure than the pseudo-reality of missing out on all the small, insignificant occurrences. My! I would never survive should I drop out of high school. Good thing I haven't the least desire to do that (I love the concept of learning and showing learning achievements through the passing of classes and the acquisition of credits).

Anyhow. I am in a sort of bland, good period of my life where God is really giving me the opportunity to peacefully learn about Him. Sadly, I have neglected this opportunity more than I should.. But the time I've spent reading the Bible has been fruitful, though I can't yet tell you how. I read the words, and though they aren't convicting me, they are real to me. As if I witnessed Jesus' sermons and saw him in his last days and really heard the wisdom in his parables.

My life is really, really good right now. I've found peace in God and don't have to fret over a certain someone. COUGH. That doesn't mean I still don't like him.. But putting him as my god unintentionally not only ruins me and my relationship with God but also freaks him out. Besides, I don't want a desperate relationships- ever. I want one of mutual dependence (to an extent), kindness, help, and trust.

That is all- I want to get to bed so that I can focus, should I attend my silly school in the morning.

Today, we met again

Painful, more so than before;
Are you aware- do you know- what I really feel?
So long we've been gone,
Today I heard your beautiful voice, and you heard my own; yet, we still haven't met.

My life is full of anti-climaxes. I suppose that correlates with the fact that until recently, my life was full of un-encountered feelings and un-addressed grievances, both from me and whoever dared to entangle themselves with me- the ugly, invasive vine that sapped the life out of my hosts.

Disappointment plagues me each time I face each high point just to be gently dropped down before anything life-altering happens.. Disappointment plagues me now, for today I began the long process of loving someone who doesn't know they need love; I have set off to love someone who will not hold communication with me. I have set off to, most devastatingly of all, love someone who I already love- someone I have already lost, someone who is a frequent, though not constant, visitor within my mind, though rarely do I visit his!

Eighty days, I have, until he returns. Eighty days. Lord, protect me and preserve me, for eighty days is far too long.