One of the many dilemma I've yet to resolve concerning diabetes is the conflict between having to dedicate so much thought, time, and care to my own health vs. how I am meant to (in a perfect world) be selfless and eager to think of others first. My faith- nay, all faiths, I believe- would have me strive to think less of worldly things (think: my own wants, problems, etc.) and instead consider more how I might help others. I still am desirous of becoming more and more selfless, but (yes, in many ways this is nothing but an excuse) diabetes impedes that.
- Matthew 5:40-42 says that we should give to all those who ask of us and not seek retaliation ("Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."). This I can do without bodily threat to some extent. However, hypothetically speaking, what if what someone requires of me is the food I had allotted to myself to stave off hypoglycemia? It's improbable, but it might one day happen... And if it did, I know that if my reaction were to squander the food from someone starving or desperately in need I would deserve no mercy.
- Matthew 6:19-24 is the oft quoted section of the bible which instructs us to "lay up for ourselves treasure in heaven", not on earth. This, as most (all?) Christians are taught, is done through charitable work, prayer, and by obeying God. We are not to worry so much about whether we have enough food, money, or water- those things, in the entire scheme of your eternal life, are unimportant- you should trust that God will provide for you, in this life or the next. Yet...In order to help ensure my wretched survival, I must by necessity store up insulin, syringes, test strips, ketone strips, cotton balls, alcohol, etc. This pursuit may very well hinder my storing up of imperishable things in heaven, for it is a selfish one (meaning it is concerned only with me and my continued survival). In my experience, selfish thoughts beget selfish thoughts which, in turn, beget selfish acts...
- Matthew 6:25-34 (a small section of this is posted on the side of my blog) speaks of how one should not be anxious for their needs because God will provide for us just as he does so for the birds of the field. Once again, to some extent, I can safely practice this and, indeed, should. God will provide for me life-giving things, including insulin and food, if that is His will. Yet insulin is not something that God would necessarily bring down from heaven to lay at my side (as food sometimes is- with little effort, food can be provided through either caring strangers, food pantries, wild bushes, etc.). Yes, God certainly could do that, or he could miraculously keep me alive without synthetic insulin for a time if He chose. But insulin, as I have it, is a man-made thing; it is fashioned after what God gave me but then took away. If civilization collapses, so do I, after a short time. I do need to decrease my anxiety due to diabetes, though.
After writing this, I realize I just need to trust. Trusting God for insulin seems different than trusting him for food or water, two natural things. Yet, in the end, for however long He will continue to provide it, it always comes from Him, right? Though a pharmacist dispenses mine to me, does He not really deliver it to me? To trust this wholly will take more faith than I have presently, I think.
