Blue Like Jazz

Thank you, dear Wesley, for funding the cost of this book-$1.50 though it was- and unintentionally providing me with the key to the ailment I can't shake. There's irony in all of this; perhaps one day I may share it..

I wanted to write something bland and artsy-fartsy concise that really doesn't portray any clear meaning or purpose, but I had my first astute observation in a long time, and though it is likely stupid or the product of a mind desperate to have my own revelations (like the ones within this book) that will lift me from this horror, I am thankful for it.

In band, we slaved through a sight-reading piece that surpassed our technical ability, which resulted in a very large and wide-spread occurrence of "I just failed at something and now shall hide in shame and gather my wits" behavior. My band director called us out on it, as a whole, and told us to instead watch him when we fell behind or became lost. That's sort of like God. I have been hiding in failure for months and months, afraid to try and re-join the symphony but knowing that if I don't, I shall forever sit in waiting, shame, and timidity as it progresses on and on and I fall more and more behind.

That's all well and good, but what to do from here? I am bordering a period of collapse, I know. It is easy to tell: I haven't been able to view myself clearly for a long while and my periods of introspection are guarded and therefore largely false. But where shall I run and hide to do so? I can't fall apart at home, and I don't have anywhere else to disintegrate. I am like a cooking lobster, I imagine (seeing as I've never cooked a lobster and never shall); I am in the pot and scrambling for shelter before the heat turns up too high.. But escape can not and shall not happen.

Oh boy.