My History Teacher

I am incredibly blessed this year/semester with wonderful teachers. One of them, especially, stands out as one who will undoubtedly profoundly affect me: my history teacher. Maybe after I graduate I shall name him by name; for now, however, I shall keep him shrouded in anonymity.

Though he's already said tens of things I wish desperately to recall later in life, there's one cluster of subjects which I really wished to record before they left my recollection: him and God.

He's not a mainstream Christian- if he's even a Christian at all- but my teacher has something lacking in many: a humility towards God Himself. Though he'll laugh at the Medieval Catholic church until Kingdom come, my teacher is not one to view human faith as a bad thing. In fact- and this surprised me- he even digressed one day to tell us that human faith was, to him, a beautiful thing; perhaps the most beautiful, and that faith was a wonderful thing to keep in mind and in heart. Which leads to the second thing pertaining to this topic I wished to reiterate: the fact that only now, with humanity so far removed from nature and kindness and relationships, do humans dare to deny the existence of any god whatsoever. Atheists are a modern phenomena, and it is most foolish to view something which has existed throughout all of humanity's history- a belief in the supernatural- as foolish.

Strange. Maybe the opinionated non-traditional/maybe-non-Christian European History teacher I have will end up being a boon to my own neglected faith.

Fellow Diabetic

Yesterday I found out that there is a man (I was going to say kid, but he's likely 25-30) in my class with type 1 diabetes. In fact, he's a Certified Diabetes Educator, too, so he really is informed. I wax excited when I found out that he had juvenile diabetes- I know, that sounds a bit cruel- but I was even happier when we got to talk about things. (He also made me excited again about the prospect of getting a pump. Also, it's rather funny, but he recommended both models I've been looking into most- the Animas Ping [which he had] and the Omnipod.)

Look how cute the Pings are!

The Omnipod is appealing, too...

He may not be new friend #1, but he's new-mutual-diabetic-friendly-acquaintance #1. And that is nice.

Now, I really am going to try to contact someone at high school today. (I'm so pathetic. So, so, so pathetic...)

Behold! The Night Mare

"What I fear is lost here

the wind blows and I know..."

Tomorrow I return to my high school for one last year. One last class for one last year.

I am nervous for many reasons. I hope and pray that I can rise to the occasion and forge for myself new relationships amongst those who I never quite connected with. I am afraid that I shall again be forced to face the fact I'd already grown comfortable with: I was and am something apart, if only because the deepest recesses of my psyche prevent me from fully integrating. Anyhow.

Wish me luck. My life swirls about me lately; I hardly know what shall happen next.

My mind feels like..

A bog of sorts: a less-desirable place where all sorts of eerie things arise daily. I shall post again today, but I have a thing to attend in approximately 14 minutes on the constitution.. And I still need to awkwardly eat my medieval bean slop and two chocolate-graham cracker and white-chocolate peanut butter snacks.

Here I am..

Didn't I hold this time in esteem?
Roads grow less spectacular as you tread them,
Even the road of life.
A decade it took to get me here- and it's not much worth it
My desires are always empty.

The prospect of being in high school- so foreign and exciting as a child- is now mundane.
Alas.

Homecoming

(Too tired to think of acrostic)

I was determined to dance a bit, and I did. In fact, I was even asked- non-verbally, if I recall correctly- to dance. So I did.

But then the hands slid to far, and I grew very scared that the influence of the couples surrounding us, all of them terribly horrible to gaze upon because of their "dancing" (grinding) that looked like something that could be found in a pornographic movie, would lead the guy to try to initiate, through some way or the other (either openly or subtly), the same thing. I saw no escape; but, thank God, we ceased to dance for a moment and Sarah dragged me to the bathroom.

I didn't dare dance with anyone else all night (besides my kind and level-headed friend, Brittini)..

Homecoming is rather lame unless you are having a dreadfully slatternly and sinful time.

This Year

Under stimulated, I've heard, is better than over, but..
Nothing seems to wait for me this year.
Entirely and wholly for preparation this year still may be..
As I thought at first-
Soon things may be too tragic.
Effigies appear, I cannot disappear, and things will never be the same.

I began this year certain that, like last year, it would be only a period of growth and not really a time for things to happen. I seem to be losing that feeling- now, either by God's will or Satan's doing, I feel as if there will be change and action this year: but in a way, I feel guilty. I suppose I should be careful what I wish for: change leaves many broken, if one doesn't undergo it correctly.

I dread and love this feeling: something will happen, but I know not if it will bode well or ill with me and others.

For once.. I wish to return to civilization.

Being alone is fine, when alone is what I choose,
After that, I long for the chance for a change.
Carelessness I cannot long uphold..
Kristen, my dear, you are meant to dream of better things while you have the good. Return!


I deeply want to attend school tomorrow. It is getting rather depressing and worrisome being cooped up in my house with both my eyes itching and being rather stiff. I'd rather go to school and face the bittersweet reality of possibility and failure than the pseudo-reality of missing out on all the small, insignificant occurrences. My! I would never survive should I drop out of high school. Good thing I haven't the least desire to do that (I love the concept of learning and showing learning achievements through the passing of classes and the acquisition of credits).

Anyhow. I am in a sort of bland, good period of my life where God is really giving me the opportunity to peacefully learn about Him. Sadly, I have neglected this opportunity more than I should.. But the time I've spent reading the Bible has been fruitful, though I can't yet tell you how. I read the words, and though they aren't convicting me, they are real to me. As if I witnessed Jesus' sermons and saw him in his last days and really heard the wisdom in his parables.

My life is really, really good right now. I've found peace in God and don't have to fret over a certain someone. COUGH. That doesn't mean I still don't like him.. But putting him as my god unintentionally not only ruins me and my relationship with God but also freaks him out. Besides, I don't want a desperate relationships- ever. I want one of mutual dependence (to an extent), kindness, help, and trust.

That is all- I want to get to bed so that I can focus, should I attend my silly school in the morning.