Monday, May 30, 2011

A Simple Night

I went on one of my (used to be) signature walks tonight. It was a beautiful occasion to do so: slightly windy and, although cloudless, with a hint of impending storm in the air. For a moment, it was nice to be alone and in the ever-more-slightly-decrepit streets of my neighborhood.

I do like being alone a lot more than other people seem to. In fact, when I've been surrounded with people for more than, say, a day, I relish time spent completely alone. But, except for (thankfully!) the presence of my boyfriend 3-4x a week, I have, perhaps, too much time on my hands in which to be with me.

Because of my affinity with being alone for a great chunk of time (at least, more often than other people tend to desire to be alone), I used to fancy myself as a private person. But reality proves otherwise. Last week, my pastor commented on how I tend to say private things (nothing too private, I'd hope) on Facebook. Those things I say- little things, inklings of things, random thoughts I wish people would listen to in real life- are outpourings of a spirit starved, rightly or not, of relationships.

My boyfriend, only somewhat jokingly, says the reason I haven't any friends is the fact that I have chosen to be a Christian vegan and have unwillingly become a type 1 diabetic. That, combined with my natural tendency towards shyness and my seeming inability to adequately connect with people so as to make them see me as a source of a friendship, makes for a kindly (I'd hope) yet lonely self.

At this point, despite all the difference, despite my doubts, despite it all, I'd love to just have a decent (girl) friend. She needn't be vegetarian or vegan, just need to be willing to try the vegan cookie or breakfast pizzert here and there. She needn't be Christian, just open to hear of my various spiritual quandaries. She needn't be diabetic, just able to shove sugar down my throat if need be or inject me with my brand-new, shiny glucagon shot (lol). She needn't be as much of a stick in the mud as I, just be okay with a typically-toned down friendship and have the ability to remain sober. She needn't be pretty, thin, healthy, or anything. She'd just need to want to be my friend, and that is the problem.

Because I lack such a friend, I allow my thoughts (my pearls) to fall before others who care not (swine) in such an unrefined and vulgar manner as to render them immediately coarse and base (and to render my being as a trampled, shred of the human I'd like to be). Because I am shameless, I shall not discontinue this practice.

For instance, my future fertility is heavy on my mind. Secondary amenorrhea has set in, and though the outcome of the blood tests I took nearly two weeks ago have not been divulged to me, I fear my diabetes has brought on PCOS or some other similar hormonal imbalance. Whatever it is, the absence of my period seems a harbinger for the absence of the ability to have a biological child. That, coupled with my semi-poor blood glucose control, worries me that any child I might have will either 1. die of miscarriage, 2. be stillborn, or 3. simply not come into existence.


Marvin the Martian said...

- You're probably got a touch of Asperger's. Nothing to worry about, lots of people have it. Or maybe it's just painful shyness. Lots of people have that too. You'll outgrow it eventually, or learn to manage it.
- Being with people drains me of energy. One day of being with friends lasts me for a week. Or two. Or a month. I need my alone time, like you do.
- You'll find friends when you need them. Many women I know get along better with men than with women. Women can be vicious to their female friends, whereas men are usually just callous and rude to their male friends.
- As long as you're locking down your FB to just your friends and family, you should be safe. I got off FB completely, just to be safe. It's nice of your pastor to worry about you.
- Even if you can't have children, there are hundreds of thousands of children in this country who need loving homes. You could provide one. Think of the good life you could provide such a one.

Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with feeling lonesome at times, so long as you plan to do something about it. Often times a person can grow accustomed to their discomfort, frequently wearing it as one would don a favorite article of clothing.

Maybe you could seek a female penpal with common interests? There are plenty of websites for that.

As a Christian, you will have no doubt heard that everything happens for a reason. You could end up changing some poor kid's life, or end up creating one after all.

Last comment for a while, I'm afraid. I grow weary when commenting and feel weird about it as we don't see each other in person anymore. Good luck with everything, K.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, one last thing.

When things get tough, destroy your enemies with the always handy F-14.

Never has not been an option for me.

Lydia said...

WAIT! Don't leave me!!.. May I ask who you are? Surely I would like to see you.

Marvin, I shall respond to you soon. I must go for now, though. Thank you so much for stopping by! I will do the same for you in just a moment :p