Why am I Bland?

Why are my thoughts so mundane and typical?

I don't care for living as an un-creative, stifled human, and it's certainly not what I wish to be. Yet that fate has come upon me and instead of detesting it, fighting against it, and denying it, by boring nature has more or less accepted it. Wherefore art thou, self, who once wrote nonsense stories and saw them to completion? Where have you hidden your notes, your heartfelt, foolish, but valuable vignettes; your ability to run at whim, your uncanny ability to startle when you laugh?

Granted, all of those things, when actually within my life, needed some reigning in, and I certainly couldn't have dealt with all the emotional darkness which filled the time between my miniature periods of pseudo-creativity. Yet I still miss them. Old me, set apart from others, says that I have betrayed myself and am foolish for not seeking the parts of myself so integral to my sustained well-being. New, practical me says that all lose those childish aspects and learn how to passably enjoy life without the imaginative doings of childhood.

I don't want to be a child, and I know I must develop emotional and mental well-being. Yet I see that life is bleak, too, when things are without surprise, without joy, without a childish wonder at people and places and circumstances.


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Another part of me, too, knows that the accusations made by my boyfriend are right: I am on repeat; I have visited this topic time and time again and made no real progress. That, too, dissuades me: is he right? Is life..... That? Is it?...

Nebulous

I am unsure of what I desire out of my future. When once I meticulously set my heart and face to a pre-planned goal, now I don't know exactly what I should aim for in some matters.. To make decisions, you see, means that I forfeit certain opportunities and things (My, self, how profound that observation is...). Because of my fear, there is nothing to do but wait, as my peers seem to do and as I have been doing more and more lately.

World Diabetes Day

It's my first Diabetes Day being aware of my condition.

I wanted to really control my blood glucose levels today as a symbolic action, but it is impossible. Something is kinking the chain; something is amiss. This disease is not easily managed.

I won't go in to details about my feelings about diabetes- sometimes I want to or do cry, for selfish reasons, because of something having a disease has taken from me; sometimes I am glad for the challenge, and other times- such as lately- I have no preference. I don't care. I usually do well with no effort in all things- and if I am not good at them, I don't do them- but playing this role is too much. I fail.

And here's a song I love which can somewhat be tied into the concept of me being alive, though in truth I shouldn't be:

But I am grateful, though some days I can hardly see why I should be. Yet the desire for life persists. Thank you, all who brought medicine to where it is today. Thank you, God, for some reason sparing me.

Future, Friends, Etc.

1. No more of this, still, thankfully:
   
2. I think I may finally be making headway on my goal to rebuild friendships. I think. I hope. I pray.
3. I am trying to focus my life, and though I haven't truly done so yet. Academics, charity, and writing seem to be what I am most focused on- as well as finally putting time into getting to know people.
4. I am woefully ashamed to admit that I haven't yet solidified any God-things into my plan, but I know I shall need them. I hate to say this... But I have fallen on dark times in my faith. It is not gone, nor is it dying, but it is weak and I need a change. Nothing much has came out of churchy-church things lately, such as bible studies or worship, and though I shall continue them, I'm hoping that the adage that people repeat about God making himself known through others will prove true (hence the friendships and charity). It's hard to feel God loves you and cares for you when you're isolated... And hard when one of your life's features, I.E., veganism, is rejected by 99.9% of those of your faith.
   
5. I am still in the process of applying for too many toasters (and by that I mean colleges and scholarships). I am a bit uncertain about it, though, because I don't intend on applying to any local universities- which are almost guaranteed admission for me- and because I haven't been putting too much time into my college essays. That includes my essays for Yale... Uh-oh. I like to believe I'm a good writer with little effort, but I don't know if that cuts it.

Life Update

I wish I had time to write something magnificent- and I mean truly so.. Unlike what I write typically. I wish I had time to compose poetry, short works, newspaper articles, letters to the editor, etc. But I don't! I've been occupying myself with keeping up with my schoolwork- still have seven classes, all of them college-level!- beginning to apply to colleges, and seeking out potential scholarships (none of which I feel I am actually qualified to win...)

On top of that- and this is great!- I have a job interview with a local hospice organization I volunteered for a year ago. They had a CNA position open (11pm-7am on Saturday and Sunday... A blessing and a curse), and with some reconnecting, I was granted this chance. My interview is tomorrow.

Also, this is my third day on the insulin pump and it's so much better than multiple daily injections (though it's still not perfect at all...). I am eager to be able to utilize all the special features and maybe- just maybe- reign in this beast.

I can't begin to understand..

I wish this was a hoax. I pray this IS a hoax; some weird, twisted joke to make some weird, non-existent point.

But it doesn't seem to be. And that scares me.. For me, because I may do the same and because I, with diabetes, may one day be in desperate need for assistance (and if a young, innocent child is unworthy, how am I?) and for others, because we just don't seem to care.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2051679/Yue-Yue-dead-Chinese-girl-Wang-Yue-2-run-bystanders-watch-dies.html

Watch the video. If it weren't for it, I may believe it to be untrue. It still may be... But to believe so is ignorant. This is the world. What is wrong with us?

College Considerations

I'm a quarter through with my last year of high school, which means that very, very shortly I am to send out applications to all the colleges I'm toying with the idea of trying to go to. A lot of my peers have already applied- and been accepted into- their college of choice; I've yet to fully apply for college.

In fact, I can hardly decide which of the several colleges which interest me I'd like:

• College of the Atlantic in Bar Harbor, Maine;


• Warren Wilson in Asheville, North Carolina;


• Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida;


• Reed College in Portland, Oregon;


• Yale in New Haven, Connecticut (it's very vegan-friendly..);


• University of South Florida (ehhh........) in Tampa, Floirda; etc.

(These are the main ones as of the moment.)

My guidance counselor suggests applying to six or so colleges, so I guess I'll be applying for all of those... But first I need to prove that I'm poor enough to warrant and application fee waiver for all of them, determine whether I'm up to par with some of their standards, and whether I want to live in that location. It's all very strange to me: I spent some number of years yearning for the adventure and mystery that would be college (if I could ever get there... Will I?) and now it is close at hand, and I have tethered parts of me down, for the worse or for the better.