Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What Are My Roots?

I used to know the answer to such a question: writing, reading, sleeping, thinking, long walks alone, praying, deep conversations, dreams; in other words, melancholy mixed with depth and joy(the effects, I'd say, of higher living). I was lonely, I was sad, and I was bitter quite often, yet I knew who I was and who I should have been (which is not who I was, by the way).

Now, I'm not so certain. Wait. I am certain, I'm just not as able to connect. I know it's all the same and that it is all still there, if only I would slow down or crash enough to remember how to be me (at least sometimes). My life is ensnared, or so I'd say today: at home, a set of problems entangles me; with one friend, another; with another group, yet another; and so on for every situation I find myself in.

I suppose this is what stress is. Before, I despaired over life and death. Now, I despair over the intricacies of life and of growing up. Strange: the former worries did not tax me with such strain as these ones do.

I miss the people I used to dream with. Where have the dreamers gone? Drugs enveloped some, life and the running of time, others; but what of me? Why can I not dream so happily alone as I once did with others?

Better than that: God, why have you given me no clear way to dream with others? Those I am close to lack spirit to dream, and I am slowly draining, too.


Marvin the Martian said...

It's easy to get bogged down in the minutiae of life. Now is when you start to figure out what matters and what doesn't. I use the "if it won't matter 100 years from now, it doesn't matter now" rule. It takes a long time to find balance, though.

You will not be able to return to the dream state you used to occupy, because now you know too much. So you will develop a different sort of dream state. I think the most important thing is, make time to dream.

Anonymous said...

There's always a way. Maybe you could try reaching out to a wider variety of people, even the ones you wouldn't peg as "dreamers". Individuals are almost always more extraordinary and more beautiful than they first appear as. It can be especially difficult for people to glow in the limited arenas of small talk and mundane social gatherings, so take care not to hold impressions formed in those arenas against them.

Remember, things are never as bad as they seem like!

Lydia said...

Thank you Marvin and Anonymous. I shall try to remember the words of both of you: I know I cannot return for I cannot travel backwards and, deep down, I know people are beautiful, complex things. The ugliness of modern life, however, coupled with my human insolence, makes me sometimes forget that reality.