Monday, January 31, 2011

Scared

What's the number one thing that has been bothering me since my diagnosis?

Not the pricks, the blood, the insulin... Not the logging or eating or exercise.

It's the selfish fear that so easily floods me. It is not far today; rarely is it far at all, actually. Every small perception felt deep within- the types of pains and changes in feeling that might before lead me to assuage myself with "it's surely nothing bad, it will pass in just a moment" push me to question whether or not I am in a safe zone and how long I should be "safe."

Today I went on a small errand to help a friend. After no more than five minutes, a feeling of weakness came upon me and I realized that I was relatively "marooned" without sugar nor monitor. I made the trek back, shaking, hesitant to talk, and wanting little more than to cry, cast off this disease, and sink into a bed more comforting than mine... Prepared myself for the worst.. And discovered that I was, I suppose, just fine.

I used to like being solitary. It was relaxing and liberating. Now, I am wary of going places without the presence of a close friend and scared to traverse about where there are little to no people about. I have reverted to being a child: I don't want to be left alone! I am scared... Scared that the feeling will come upon me quickly when I don't have anyone to watch over me and make certain I can get over it. Paranoia is what it is becoming...

Forgive me for my over-dramatization. I just don't feel so well today. Things aren't so bad; they shouldn't even be so scary. Yet when I look at this, my life as it must be, all laid out, I do feel a bit depressed...

2 comments:

Marvin the Martian said...

Every day that you wake up is a good day. Every day that you are able to feel anything (even if it's fear) is a good day. And besides, what better way to learn to be with people and to get along, than to stick with a person who can help you if you suddenly take ill?

It's okay to be afraid. It WILL get easier, I promise.

TC said...

My dad had suffered with diabetes type 1 since he was 17. My mum was diagnosed with with type 2 a few years ago. From what I can tell the key is always be prepared, but when you do feel slightly strange, keep going. Don't let yourself be paranoid. That being said if you still don't feel right after about half an hour, eat something, drink something, call someone. I'm aware that I have a high risk of developing diabetes at some point in my life, along with a lot of other hereditary syndromes that my family are prone to. But I don't let it get to me. After a while you learn to trust your instincts and know when you're just not right.