Friday, October 29, 2010

Is it Safe to Admit..

That I am a sinner? I have viewed such a thing as a given to all, and certainly it is. I always supposed that to casually admit flaws meant that one had accepted their sin and desired to leave it be.

Perhaps I am wrong, though. Maybe some deep appreciation that I AM A SINNER need be made for me to advance. I have been all things in my seasons: lair, cheater, sloth, miserly, etc. I fear I shall return to them (as a dog returns to its vomit, nonetheless) in time; I fear I may not have been affected by the Gospel as is fitting for someone who professes Christianity.

My outside is clean, relatively-speaking, but all who know me better see the darkness I harbor. Those who know me not think me simple and a sort of pure that is open to corruption... I am soft-spoken, quiet, reserved... But the deeper parts of me have welled up within and have had little release. My deepest good and evil alike are hidden. I am not as openly hatred or judgmental as I might be, but I am a far, far shot from the understanding, caring, long-suffering person I desire to be.

I simply don't like opening, so when I do, it is with backlash. Tonight, I had an enjoyable conversation; tonight, I feel like a fool for speaking at all. Did I say anything too uncouth? No. Did I say anything reproachable? Nay. Do I feel like a fool? Yes.

I am a sinner. Worst of all I know, in fact. Something has to change, for my life falls outside of all expectations held to it by any creed. I do not sleep at night feeling I did all I could or loved like I should have.. Is that what God's grace is for? Or have I still fallen grossly short of even His grace?

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

I wish you could feel what I felt the last time God looked at me, held me in His gaze, and loved me for the fumbling, flawed being that I am. I wish you could feel His love the way I feel it. Then you wouldn't question yourself, loathe yourself, the way you do. You and I are loved, as unworthy as we are of His love. We are so fortunate.