Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I miss the fight I'd put up for that which I didn't believe in. I was a hypocrite, oh yes! But with all that bitterness I had primal resolve. Resolve is something I may soon need again: I have tried over the past year or so to be something better than what I once was and it is time to take the next step.

It will soon be time to devote myself.. It will be time that I throw off the amoral freedom of childhood's indecision and pledge myself to what I believe in.

Yet within my nature is the not-so-infrequent supremely pointless acts of absurdity.

Today, I initially wanted nothing more than to run about my known world with no rhyme or reason, frittering here and there, shattering the perceptions people hold of my sanity. I wanted to do things which had no explanation nor product. I used to let go of these urges whilst amongst friends who knew me well or well-ish, and generally speaking, they were bonding if only because they were uncouth. Now, such outlets are blocked from me for multiple reasons. Perhaps I should grow up and renounce my crazy desires.. Sigh..

Yet absurdity or newness is what I crave very often. I desire better friendships with everyone I know. I am a bit lonely- only one person is available whenever I need him (and thank you)- and do wish that the relationships I have been forming within the confines of school clubs or classes would expand a bit to include something with depth.

Perhaps then I wouldn't be so restless.. Or, if I were, I would be so in a different, lighter-hearted way.


Marvin said...

You'll feel better soon. And you have deeper relationships than you give people (or yourself) credit for, I'll wager.

Lydia said...

I do hope so..

Anonymous said...

I'm a smartass, so I work very hard to be supportive and loving, instead of smiling and agreeing with you when you're castigating yourself for your failings. "Yes, you suck," I could say, but this would not be helpful, nor would it be true. It might be funny, but only for a moment. So. Deep breath, and I say, "You're a wonderful human being, I'm glad I know you, and I'm glad you write. Hang in there, and life WILL be easier soon. I promise."

There, that wasn't so bad. And it does in fact happen to be true. ;-)

Marvin the Martian said...

Oooo, the captcha is "ingested." How likely is THAT, I ask, as I eat my Reese's Pieces one by one with my long green fingers?

Lydia said...

That is really weird!... And it makes me desire a nice bar of gourmet chocolate...