Restless

I miss the fight I'd put up for that which I didn't believe in. I was a hypocrite, oh yes! But with all that bitterness I had primal resolve. Resolve is something I may soon need again: I have tried over the past year or so to be something better than what I once was and it is time to take the next step.

It will soon be time to devote myself.. It will be time that I throw off the amoral freedom of childhood's indecision and pledge myself to what I believe in.

Yet within my nature is the not-so-infrequent supremely pointless acts of absurdity.

Today, I initially wanted nothing more than to run about my known world with no rhyme or reason, frittering here and there, shattering the perceptions people hold of my sanity. I wanted to do things which had no explanation nor product. I used to let go of these urges whilst amongst friends who knew me well or well-ish, and generally speaking, they were bonding if only because they were uncouth. Now, such outlets are blocked from me for multiple reasons. Perhaps I should grow up and renounce my crazy desires.. Sigh..

Yet absurdity or newness is what I crave very often. I desire better friendships with everyone I know. I am a bit lonely- only one person is available whenever I need him (and thank you)- and do wish that the relationships I have been forming within the confines of school clubs or classes would expand a bit to include something with depth.

Perhaps then I wouldn't be so restless.. Or, if I were, I would be so in a different, lighter-hearted way.