This post is sure to be heavily censored in the hopes that I do not allow negative thoughts/emotions to run free and, unrestrained, keep me tethered to the past and all of it's hurt that I so easily cling to..
Evil, at it's most banal, is very convoluted. Through my wrong-doings, I have confused and damaged only myself (though I fear that I have hurt others... But they claim well-being, so perhaps I should do as all do and let me conscience shrug it all off) and left myself in a position of flight-or-fight. To fight is inconceivable and impossible: either for good, to reclaim what I wanted, or for bad, to damage those I was supposed to care for. To flee, then, is my only response. I know I cannot escape my past (I know this better than anyone!), but if I escaped the halls and places and people that I have defiled, then perhaps I may find respite and regain my courage, foster love in my tattered, poisoned heart, and find the true way into the barred, elusive present.
For that reason, I eagerly await the coming of summer. It will be a bit more secluded than in years past, but such a thing could be beneficial if I could find some people who would expend some of their time upon me. If that happens, plus I begin with my volunteering (and face death and the dying), venture forth from my home on vacation and indulge in the sweet, temporary serenity that brings, escape to PHCC and these people who I missed a chance at knowing, and begin again to centralize Christ in my life, then I shall be on a good road to more of a hope of recovery than I have ever had. I just need to banish self-pity from my mind and soul. If I keep hope alive, then I will one day have friends beyond just Wesley (who I fear hurting, anyhow). If I allow hope to wane, I shall never change- and then what? A person incapable of connecting to other humans is one unfit to live. I can make no alliance, good or bad, and that is a puzzling issue.
1 comment:
Such a nice poetic entry.
To avoid second-guessing myself, I find it's helpful to assume that I have NO impact on other people's lives. As long as I conduct myself honorably and demonstrate caring toward others, I don't need to worry about hurting them. I keep my acid tongue in check. That's been my biggest learning hurdle, knowing when to be silent. And really, being silent most of the time will cure most of your relationship problems. ;-) When in doubt, or even if you're NOT in doubt, smile and say nothing. It's hard to hurt people with a smile.
By assuming that you have no impact on other people's lives, it's then a nice surprise when someone approaches you and says "Remember when you did X? That was so kind of you." It's such a nice surprise when people remember actions you did, which meant nothing special to you, but they meant EVERYTHING to that person. That's how you want to live. Hold yourself to a higher standard of loving and caring, and then people remember you for the smallest of actions.
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