Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Fluctuation

"I wanted more
than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
of saving face..."
-Today by the Smashing Pumpkins


I am always and
unendingly floating between the two ends of the same extreme: melancholic cynicism. It is hard, hard for me to live- whether in the typical way I do, which is just a simple entrapment in the past that is deep-rooted and pervasive or by truly living- and I grow weary of my feeble attempts at survival.

My capricious nature itself is partially to blame. I have always shifted drastically. In my first relationship as a younger teenager, I flitted from believing myself to be in love to sheer nothingness, and the results were catastrophic for the both of us (leaving me incredibly confused, unlovable, and shattered and him confused and lonely); with the next boy, I went from having an all-consuming attraction and admiration for him to re-directing self-hatred towards him and acting accordingly. I sped across insurmountable barriers for years trying to determine, internally, whether my best friend really was my best friend or whether I was better left alone rather than in such a farce.

Now, I still circle about. How much did they really care for me? Should I talk to her; would it be worth the effort or the pain? Why do most deny me the simplest thing: a bit of their time to hear me out? Can I love? (Forgive me for writing this, for it brings up only the memory of the song, and not the concept, but) What is love- on a romantic level or a friend level? Will I continue drive everyone away utterly and completely and then bewail their absence and the ache in my being? Is there hope for me to be happy- and if not, what should I do? Is it all in my head, or am I cursed? Would medication or therapy cure any of my ever-present ills? Who have my friends become? Why am I just the same as I always was? Who- who!- will care for me? Who will care for me when I send them away?

"Will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that I'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?"
- Coin Operated Boy, The Dresden Dolls

I know it's old; it's so very old to me, too. I just don't understand. Something in me is dreadfully wrong... Because being kind, unobtrusive, and uncontroversial, while not causing anyone to hate me, per
se, is making me no friends, either. Worst of all, the disease in me might just try it's luck again, one day, when I have my guard down and all is confused within me, to drive away the last bit of people that can withstand me and my duality of emptiness and hatred.

... Jimmy, you're wrong, I wish you were right; you and they are all wrong. I didn't lose my friends because I became dull. It began long before that... Now, being dull is the only comfort I have against that loss in this life, if only because being dull is the only defense I can handle that God has given me at this moment to ward off more and more hurt. I can't lose myself more than I have.

Dull. Dull.


I am forgotten, even by myself.








2 comments:

Marvin the Martian said...

You will have that happy balance between clinging so tight that you drive people away, pushing back so hard that you drive people away, caring too much, caring not at all. You just can't have that balance now. You have to suffer now, so that you can appreciate that peaceful balance later.

Jimmy said...

I'll call you later today, and we can talk about this... If I remember (I think I have Alzheimer's sometimes.)