Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Immortal

Geared towards remembrance...
Often I cannot stop.
Now, with years in the way....
Escape is improbable.

My school's band has set up a rather wonderful marching show. I am not a part of it- I only must play in the stands- but in a (small) way I wish I were a part of it.. A part of the beauty it could be. Perhaps I am luckier- I can witness it, instead, should it become beautiful and tantalizing and elegant, as it should be.


One of the songs that the band plays is My Immortal by Evanescence. That song- though I hated it out of default when first I heard it (for everyone else adored it to no end)- holds a terrible place in my heart. It is, so to speak, the bridge to a part of my heart filled with pain and disappointment since I ever first aspired to be married and be loved. It is built of so many things, but its finishing touch was made.. Well, it was made, let us say, sometime between two years and one and a half years ago. Now, the bridge is a great one: able to be forgotten but not to be destroyed. If ever I plan to head down the path leading to it at any point in my life, I could- I could, over and over again- but if I do I shall receive none of the love and understanding that I so need when walking through that dark place, alone. The song, though not the only step (albeit a large one) on that path, struck a particular chord today. Something about the band- tens of us, likely all of us being able to sympthasize with the song in some way or the other- playing the song, together, imperfectly but- in my twisted mind- even more hauntingly and beautifully than Amy Lee's voice and all it's enhancements and such.

I could barely take it and not sink. I went to the restroom. I could still hear it.

But I wasn't in the mood to cry; it's not time.

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