Quite a dilemma I am in,
Unable to find one wise
Enough to guide me through.
To what extent-
Is love real?-
Or am I intent
Never to fulfilled be, because of
Silly, delusional me?
I told you yesterday that I resolved to love someone who realizes not how much they need it (yes, I am taking the liberty to issue that statement). I have not gone back on my word- don't think I could if just I wanted to- but the same questions are prodding me endlessly.
Is my life really meant to be so very about finding someone whom I feel a very deep connection with? Is it ever supposed to be so for any person?
If my life is not supposed to be about that, then what is marriage? Must I choose to sacrifice the pure (yet so easily corruptible) love that so easily flows forth to the one I feel most passionate and caring towards?
Does God honestly call us to reach out to every person? Should I go beyond any effort I've ever made to save someone else?
Should I do that for someone I feel so passionate for?
How much of reality should I accept and repress in order to properly love (with God's love, not erotic love) someone?
How am I supposed to love someone so cold?
And last, but not least, could it ever, ever, ever work out to where I can save him as he inadvertently saved me (through my own cruelty) and so that he can look upon this ordeal and see that all I ever wanted since knowing him was him? Will he ever want me- my soul, my thoughts, my presence?
The answers to all those questions would, if they were clear, help me decide to what extent to delve into this. I care about him so much; I suppose it's going to be an all or nothing deal. But I will not be broken should he not ever love me (again-ish).. I know that God will provide me with something, some day. But why, then, did he give me such a love for this boy who I guided into my life and then forced out?