I haven't been doing much lately. I've been acting like an unconcerned existentialist: full of lackluster things that I really should or could do; possessing much doubt as to whether I am capable in spirit or intelligence to be anything like what I dream. The saddest part about all this? I spurn the thought of having little concern and I don't wish to be an existentialist, nor do I believe I consider the basis behind the doctrines of existentialism to be true.
Let us just say I feel like a nobody. I cannot tell whether that assumption is healthy one or an unhealthy one; I cannot discern whether it is true or false; I cannot even extrapolate on the topic without feeling foolish, needy, and weak. Really, I am mostly satisfied with life; I don't much mind my relative isolation (especially from those my age). I usually don't mind that I discuss not the innermost parts of myself with others, but every once in a while...
All around me are (what I am sure are) simple illusions of friendship and content, yet still they entice me. If I am not so bright, why do I not connect with the masses, whom I should be on a level with? Why can I be cordial, understand them, more or less, but not really befriend them? If I am not so average, why do I not connect with those whose depth of will or intelligence I admire? Why- and this question's immaturity kills me every time- does no one see me as not only nothing but as nothing special?
I know, intuitively and from all the reading and thought I've given to what is of worth in a human's life, that human beings must ultimately derive their sustenance from something deeply ingrained within themselves (preferably God, I'd say- I still view Him as the only surefire way to avoid the greatest loneliness of being human). I know I should not care so much whether I am intelligent in comparison to others or whether I am beautiful as compared to the cute, blissful-looking young women I occasion to envy. I know it is foolish-impossible, even- to seek and expect to find contentment with oneself whilst always comparing oneself to another. It's a character defect in me I will one day have to fix. It just might be a bit easier if I were more often able to feel like I didn't lack the basic human ability to connect with other humans.
In the meantime, this flaw prevents me from making better of what relationships I do have... This, too, is foolishness, but I know not how to rectify it.
