Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Denn du bist was du isst

In my minute-long struggle to think of a decent title for this post, the song Mein Teil by Rammstein came into mind. The above quote- in German, because you are what you eat- is near to the concept I first had in mind: you are what you do.

I haven't been doing much lately. I've been acting like an unconcerned existentialist: full of lackluster things that I really should or could do; possessing much doubt as to whether I am capable in spirit or intelligence to be anything like what I dream. The saddest part about all this? I spurn the thought of having little concern and I don't wish to be an existentialist, nor do I believe I consider the basis behind the doctrines of existentialism to be true.

Let us just say I feel like a nobody. I cannot tell whether that assumption is healthy one or an unhealthy one; I cannot discern whether it is true or false; I cannot even extrapolate on the topic without feeling foolish, needy, and weak. Really, I am mostly satisfied with life; I don't much mind my relative isolation (especially from those my age). I usually don't mind that I discuss not the innermost parts of myself with others, but every once in a while...

All around me are (what I am sure are) simple illusions of friendship and content, yet still they entice me. If I am not so bright, why do I not connect with the masses, whom I should be on a level with? Why can I be cordial, understand them, more or less, but not really befriend them? If I am not so average, why do I not connect with those whose depth of will or intelligence I admire? Why- and this question's immaturity kills me every time- does no one see me as not only nothing but as nothing special?

I know, intuitively and from all the reading and thought I've given to what is of worth in a human's life, that human beings must ultimately derive their sustenance from something deeply ingrained within themselves (preferably God, I'd say- I still view Him as the only surefire way to avoid the greatest loneliness of being human). I know I should not care so much whether I am intelligent in comparison to others or whether I am beautiful as compared to the cute, blissful-looking young women I occasion to envy. I know it is foolish-impossible, even- to seek and expect to find contentment with oneself whilst always comparing oneself to another. It's a character defect in me I will one day have to fix. It just might be a bit easier if I were more often able to feel like I didn't lack the basic human ability to connect with other humans.

In the meantime, this flaw prevents me from making better of what relationships I do have... This, too, is foolishness, but I know not how to rectify it.

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

It's easy to explain - you are an alien, just as I am. Our indestructible souls inhabit these frail sleeves, placed here through God's will. We are supposed to learn, while we're here, and by interacting with others, we teach them even as they teach us.

I feel awkward and lonely every day. I get along with people. I smile, I laugh, I interact with them. But I share no particular fondness for them, no bond with them. When I tell my darling wife that I wish I had friends, she points out that every opportunity I have to create a friendship, I pass up. So clearly I must like the way I am, or at the very least, I am too lazy to change it.

I have a friend who relates to people via sex, but can't form a committed, monogamous relationship with a man. It causes her pain, but she doesn't know how to change. So I think she, too, is beginning to accept that she "is what she is." As am I. As are you.

Part of growing up is learning to accept your character strengths and flaws, and not berate yourself about them. I like you as you are. You ARE intelligent. You ARE pretty. But people telling you that will not make you FEEL it, until YOU decide to.