Friday, March 18, 2011

Why Do I Dwell?

Out of a lack of self-control, I suppose, I spend far too long analyzing the snippets of others' lives that are available to be ogled at online. I come up short, continually: I feel unintelligent (for I feel I have not portrayed myself as such adequately), quite unwomanly (which is, more or less, true), unattractive, not quite able to be "fun" (which, as I age, comes to mean more and more that I refuse intoxicants and some of the more self-serving, useless pastimes), and, generally speaking, an all-around stick in the mud sort of hermit.

This phenomena, I know, is not limited to me. I see it in action subtly in other's conduct and words. Pop psychology has also mentioned it. Something about living our lives online makes even the most popular of us, it seems, feel as if we are in need of more attention and more reverence for being unique. I am not popular and never have been. Mostly, I don't want to be popular- too many negative trade-offs would have to be made and, frankly, I don't have the energy to invest heavily in shallow friendships. Yet I wish I were seen as beautiful, smart, and creative... Selfishness makes me desire such things, I know... There are higher ideals to be strove towards, and I would do well to concentrate on such things instead of my own rather unalterable traits.

2 comments:

Marvin the Martian said...

It's natural for us to question ourselves, to find ourselves lacking. If we didn't, we would not strive to be better than we are. Especially for girls, there's an innate biological need to feel pretty and popular. But your brain has already told you the true answer, that it doesn't matter what other people think, and winning the approval of shallow, transient people around you is not a victory of any sort.

From what I know of you, you ARE beautiful, smart and creative. It will take some years yet for your self-image to grow and adapt to what you already are. ;-)

You get a cookie for using "to be strove towards" instead of "to be striven towards." What is that, indicative passive future perfect? I can't remember my verb tenses.

Marvin the Martian said...

Next time you're feeling down, read this article and be grateful for the life you have. I couldn't believe it. How can a boy do something so monstrous, at such a young age. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-03-12/news/os-teen-set-on-fire-fights-to-recover20110312_1_clermont-girl-fire-fights-lighter-fluid