Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Desperate for Attention

I am really more in need of social stimulation than I'd like and far more than I'd like to admit. Most of the time- I am satiated sometimes- I am on a quest to garner the attention and admiration of somebody, somewhere. It's a little despicable, is it not? Yes, I know it is. Yes, I know it is silly. But I like to think that it is me wanting terribly to have a network of friends, not me wanting to have a web of souls whom I may suck vitality from and enjoy feigned admiration from.

Perhaps one is just a hair-breadths away from the other...

My despicable desperation is made even more so by the fact that I intend upon being secretive and cultivated; I pride myself on time spent alone in contentment. Yet I have lately spent my alone time secretly hoping that something new would sweep me up and away from my books, my words, my staring...

I am just mildly lonely. Yes, that is what I am... Not crazy, right? Not a selfish narcissist looking for a reason to have an evil ego? Part of me- good or bad, I know not- warns me away from my foolish desire of much social interaction; warns me that I might be lead astray or take liberties I need never take.

Being alone is simple and pure. It is just maddening.

2 comments:

Wayne said...

Aye, and will I every be SOMEONE to anyone? As the test of time shows- no- but as my hope is, I suppose only time will tell if one for whom I care will realize me. As a small token, I shall say that I do have my great admiration for you, I have just felt internally opressed in recent times, so it may not show though at all times. Even that said, I suppose realization and admiration from those of a higher mind is what you seek, and if that is your desire, then so I hope it shall be. Socialization is not really my forte, but feel free to bring me along on your travels, I may just surprise you.

With love,
Wayne

analienmind said...

LOL how eloquent. I used to think I wanted friends too, and I have some, and I have many more acquaintances who regard me as a friend (but not the other way around, because my standards are too high). But really, interaction with people is just too tiring and irritating to me. So I think I want more friends, but I really don't. It took me a few decades to figure that one out.