Conflict

In the world of college, I am forcefully exposed to all that, hinted at in my independent studies, I could barely delve into, refute in reference to me, and subsequently ignore largely. Evolution is the ultimate reality behind both biology and psychology (not to mention history and, to some extent, philosophy). All of the world's beliefs are stated as if they could and do all make sense together and are all capable of producing a caring, fulfilled person in this life and the next. Feminism is given exaggerated importance (as if anyone really cared.. I mean, even I care not. So long as women can be seen as competent now, I feel no need for retribution in the past). I would not say I believe any more in these things, philosophies, or theories than I did before. I would not say that I gave much of them more validity in my life. I would say that it has been contributing to the crushing feeling that not only am I

1. Unimportant and undistinguished from millions of others, but
2. Even more catastrophically, am judgmental and ignorant to the highest degree for thinking myself righteous, intelligent, or right in any lasting way.

I had a dream last night, in fact, where both of those principles slapped me in the face and took my idiotic delusion of being accepting and decent and revealed it to be a self-deceiving fake. I had a party and invited a small group of miscellaneous people from my past. One of them- a self-labelled pothead who was a love/hate friend of sorts in elementary school- looked very different than he ever had. I told him this with the idea that my taking notice and conversing with him would somehow make him feel better, and he surprised me by responding not with anything that logically followed from my small talk but by telling me that I was a tense, judgmental thing. His words stung all parts of my ego and sent me off, hiding from him, myself, and all forces with reason (including my own mind).

Such thinking, in real life, might ultimately do me good. But this process- if it is even working for good at the moment- is producing a me that is not only too tired to make friends or maintain friendships to satisfactory levels, but that feels I really am too much of a burden upon the free, liberated bunch of people who are my peers. Add that to the fact that my ego is suffering a terrible blow because my reputation of sorts as a sort of wise, mature young lady is falling out of vogue in favor of a view that I am just, well, a normal girl.

Maybe I wouldn't mind being "normal" if I, like normal girls, had friendships and mannerisms that would allow me to be content with my lot and have fun, which is, apparently, the highest pursuit these days. But I attract no one; no looks come my way. This is good, I suppose.. No men pursue me. But neither do I warrant any real attention.

Is the world really this impersonal?... A question I hardly dare to ask..