Sunday, August 8, 2010

I hardly understand myself any longer

Things wouldn't even be bad at all if I could just pick up a pen and write or sit down to type out my thoughts as I used to. How can writing fail me? Nay.. How can I fail myself by being unable to write? Writing has been my best friend, worst enemy, the most eloquent portrayal of me to the least intelligent one, a mediator between myself and I and a distancer between the elusive myself and them.

Has writing solved any of my problems? No.. But it has taken my natural propensities towards expulsion of others and subsequent desire to again behold them, spite then love, happiness then regret, and let just enough of the mental pressure I would and do store to trickle forth so that I was unable to ever quite completely lose my sanity or my life. In that way, I suppose, it was the work of God, keeping me up all the evenings long, lamenting the twisted course of events that my life was composed of and scratching every letter with hatred of life itself because I stained my own paradigm of it with my very existence.

No, no one ever knew my hate nor my remorse. No one ever felt my love, though they knew my darkness. It's not quite fair, but, under the assumption that others may have or may one day feel the same regarding me, I will bear it, and, perhaps, find strength to write of subjects new and, at least occasionally, uplifting.

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

Points for using the word "propensities" in a sentence. But I'm not sure how you're using "paradigm." In business, it used to be a buzzword. Then it became obvious that people didn't know how to use it properly, and it faded once again into obscurity. What's YOUR paradigm? ;-)

Writing is your outlet, as it is mine. I'm glad you write, and that you share it with us. Being uplifting is not necessary. I can read smarmy chain-letters with pictures of kittens if I want uplifting. Actually, those just annoy the shit out of me. ;-)

Have you seen this site? http://www.butterbeehappy.com/ . I just was looking up "happy thoughts website," trying to find an example of smarmy happiness for you (i was unsuccessful), and instead noticed that their premise on this site is just to journal five thoughts of gratitude per day. I don't need to do that, but maybe it will help you.

My gratitude thoughts today are:
- I have my sight and the use of my limbs, and the use of my brain. I can hold a job and be productive.
- Air conditioning, and money to pay for it in this oppressive heat and miserable economy.
- Friends who write to me. A niece who loves me, who just called me.
- A fridge full of cheese. Mmmmm.
- Seeing the lightning storm off the coast at 5 AM this morning. Every time the lightning flashed, it bounced off a thin layer of cirrus clouds through which you could see the stars clearly. The cirrus clouds would light up like a photographer's flash umbrella. It lit up the whole sky white with each lightning flash. It was beautiful.

Your turn. Five thoughts of gratitude. Come on. You know you can do it. ;-)