Strange. Tonight I am filled with the desire to be a sacrilegous Mary and out of shame bear a child to save me from loneliness. Women and our desires to have children... It's the most miraculous thing in the world, the formation of a child from next to nothing within a human being.. It's hope; it's love; it's a hand to guide.
Worry not. Unless God again decrees a virgin birth- and through me, at that- then I am rather barren.
In a few ways.
Perhaps- excuse the terrible comparison- I need only await the time when a good wind concieves hope and I may birth a new joy that is unknown to me. For all intents and purposes, though I have this concrete me, I inhabit it in a small, stuffy, lonely room, locked in by a lack of basic well-being. I do not use the me I have- though it is clearly present and regularly so. Yes, my me is here, but it is anemic, tethered down, and loveless.
3 comments:
Yup. One of my "daughters" thought the same thing, that having a baby would make her feel loved. Nope. Having and raising a baby is a terrible, terrible burden for an unmarried woman.
Sadly, you'll keep feeling this way until you decide you won't. It's a conscious choice, to some degree. You CAN change the way you think and feel. Cognitive therapy helps.
I hope you'll go here (http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/florida-suicide-hotlines.html) next time you're feeling awful, and talk to someone. There's even Christian hotlines, and teen hotlines in your area. Please. Do it.
And, Mitzi suggests these sites for you, which are cool:
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
People DO care about you, whether or not you believe it. Just as God loves everyone, whether or not they believe in Him. ;-)
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