Monday, March 1, 2010

Blue Like Jazz

Thank you, dear Wesley, for funding the cost of this book-$1.50 though it was- and unintentionally providing me with the key to the ailment I can't shake. There's irony in all of this; perhaps one day I may share it..

I wanted to write something bland and artsy-fartsy concise that really doesn't portray any clear meaning or purpose, but I had my first astute observation in a long time, and though it is likely stupid or the product of a mind desperate to have my own revelations (like the ones within this book) that will lift me from this horror, I am thankful for it.

In band, we slaved through a sight-reading piece that surpassed our technical ability, which resulted in a very large and wide-spread occurrence of "I just failed at something and now shall hide in shame and gather my wits" behavior. My band director called us out on it, as a whole, and told us to instead watch him when we fell behind or became lost. That's sort of like God. I have been hiding in failure for months and months, afraid to try and re-join the symphony but knowing that if I don't, I shall forever sit in waiting, shame, and timidity as it progresses on and on and I fall more and more behind.

That's all well and good, but what to do from here? I am bordering a period of collapse, I know. It is easy to tell: I haven't been able to view myself clearly for a long while and my periods of introspection are guarded and therefore largely false. But where shall I run and hide to do so? I can't fall apart at home, and I don't have anywhere else to disintegrate. I am like a cooking lobster, I imagine (seeing as I've never cooked a lobster and never shall); I am in the pot and scrambling for shelter before the heat turns up too high.. But escape can not and shall not happen.

Oh boy.

2 comments:

Marvin the Martian said...

Did he quote Sting in that book? "SOS" by The Police? A true classic.

Loneliness is normal for humans, but it's bothersome only if you let it bother you. Or if you're a teenager. Then you can't escape it. Only growing up lets you escape. You learn to embrace the comraderie people offer you, and to shrug off the slights they offer you. It's just selective perception. As a child, you can't filter properly. As an adult, you can. You're learning.

I like "Walking On the Moon," myself.

Marvin the Martian said...

BTW, you have mail.