Might I say I feel so empty
And these dystopian surroundings bring me closer to
Doom, known only to my subconscious.
I always dreamt of truly going mad. Schizophrenia, psychosis, whatever diagnosis needed- so long as I could enter the world of terror and unreality that is mental illness. I can't tell if it was so alluring because I am half-way there or because I am so far from it. If I knew the answer, then I would be able to know if the strangeness in me is rising again. I think it is. I would love to blame this on a mental disorder; classify it. Classify me. I know not what I experience. And if I ever do go insane, will I know it? Will I know it- in such a way that the fact that I cannot overcome it will scare me all the more?
It wouldn't surprise me. If I am brilliant- ha, I doubt I am- I am quite sure that I am mad. So it goes.