Thursday, October 15, 2009

How much weakness is permissible?

Hidden, for fear of putting up a damaged front
Under-covers, over-thought of, and denied any admittance
Riding, alone, a beast of terror
Towards you, I hide my shame

I am rarely fine. Is this human nature? Does everyone fight, incessantly, to remain optimistic and pleasant? I do not renounce that role; In fact, it is a great thing that I managed to be able to do so. But there is pain, always within me. My depression has not gone away- I just have not given it free reign. Should I mask all traces of my hurt- leave it to myself and those who happen to catch a glance of it- or embrace it, some way, not wholly, but enough to not feel the pressure of being quite alone in it?

My head aches dully.
I did not know I cried this hard...

I shall carry on. The cycle drags me through- again- and I am okay, truly okay, for now. I would quite like to know if this is denial or acceptance I feel. I would quite like to sleep. I would quite like to use the restroom for the fifth time in three hours. I would quite like to run away, for a bit, for a long while, perhaps. I would like to do something outrageous but something right.

I would love a miracle.
I am a miracle..

I would love to cease these thoughts, not forever, but for a bit. Sleep could accomplish that, but I cannot sleep, for class will not permit it.

I am weak. I am. But I am not defeated. I wish to embrace the sweet parts of my weakness. That is what I want..

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