Saturday, September 26, 2009

Quit the act

I am the imbecile;
Dumb as an ox and just as
Ignorant of how I really am and
Of how the world really runs.
Torrents of easy unease tell me to follow them:
If I do, nothing will hurt but everything; if I do, nothing will be beautiful but pain.
Carry on. I need a hiatus.

I am in between The Rock and a soft but poisonous place. I'm just rebelling. Don't you worry, I can't go on as I did.

It is rather unfair that my easy-coming joy- a good trait, a wonderful trait if not abused- is so often used against me, causing me to make splendid mountains out of.. Ant piles (complete with biting ants).

(I just sit on this blog and complain about the most obvious human downfalls and emotions, don't I?)


Last night, I went with S. and A. to the second-run movie theatre near to us. We saw My Sisters Keeper. I can't say it really made me think hard about anything or inspired me in the least, for it surely didn't, and it wasn't a good enough of a plot to inspire anyone. In fact, as far as the plot goes, I have many issues with it and the message it sends about death, life, and the like.

But that isn't what I want to talk about.

I can't stop picturing the main character's sick sister, Kate, the day before she, in the movie, died. I can't stop picturing her and her boyfriend in the movie, both of them suffering from cancer that was no longer in remission, simply caring about each other.. And him dying.. And then, Kate dying.

The movie brought up a lot of base emotions.. And I shall choose the shallowest of them to tell you of: what if (yes, the dreaded what if) no one ever loves me and cares for me in the romantic but actually CARING way that Kate and Taylor (her boyfriend's name) did?

I already know the answer: it'd just be the way things are, for me. If I don't find/reclaim what I wanted so desperately, then life will go on, and it will still be worth it.

I hate to sound bitter, but with each day that passes, I feel more and more as if I shall be resigned to spinsterhood when I am older.

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

That's exactly why I don't see movies like that. Life is depressing enough without paying money to see more of the same.

Think about this, though... as lonely and bereft and pining-after-someone as you feel, there is probably someone even lonelier, bereft-er, who is pining after YOU. Don't snort with derision- I thought the same thing, "how is that possible?" until someone years later confessed to me that that's how they had felt about me. And I had never guessed. Not that it would have made a difference (shudder). But it was nice to know, long after the fact.

The Great Karnak says that spinsterhood is not in your future.