Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Forgiving Me.. It's the Hardest Part

For all the pain I put you through
Oh, the things I would do!
Rare is the one who I didn't let down- and those are the lesser!
Grotesque were the words I would so often say- the things I said about those I love.
In all the struggle, it was me I betrayed.. Saying such things about you.
Victory is barred from me,
I lost that right when first I was deceived.
Now, I'm a shell of a human, but more alive than then.
Grasping for a past that was broken; I cannot forget.

My old blog offers a brilliant look into the psyche of a deranged, neurotic, vile, girl. I would be very much lying if I said that girl wasn't me.

I cannot begin to express my remorse for all that I'd said and done. It was all so senseless, so meaningless, so detrimental! I wrecked not only my relationships with those I care for the most but also wrecked their psyches. I tremble to think how much better off my friends would be if not for my parasitic presence for three years. I owe nearly everyone I've ever so much as talked to an apology that is so extensive that it cannot be wholly given, even over the course of a lifetime. That counts not the things said and done that you all realize not..

I wish everyone I write this for would miraculously read this and we could build something better.. And, if it wasn't clear enough from the beginning, I write this for more than one person.

S.L.W., I hate how I have influenced you over the years- I hate how I wasn't a good friend, I hate how I wasn't even a friend. I was, simply put, a plague of sorts upon you, forever proving to be the cause of many of your ills.

S.Z., I hurt you, too, immensely. The periods of time we spent apart may have been more beneficial than if the time was spent together, but still I failed to help keep you from much of the darkness that I was very likely a cause of, anyhow. I failed you, and I still fail you. I just hope that it is known that I desire to help you.

A.F., You, sadly, had to bear the beginnings of a terrible, terrible sickness within me. I was confused and insane, forever indecisive and deceiving. I wish I had imparted upon you some ray of light, some happiness, some good thing- but I left you broken. Please, let God do the repair work- and I pray one day I can be your friend and things will be as they should be. I am so very sorry..

N.M., I don't know much of you now. All I know is based off of observations that show only half the tale and broken pieces of your history that I gathered when we were close. I can't say, in truth, whether you're healed of what I did to you or not, because I haven't the faintest clue. But I know that in the end it could not have contributed to your well-being. I was a narcissistic, idiotic, conniving fiend that couldn't sort out love from hate and was forever betraying herself. I can only imagine how much I may have affected you; I am so sorry. I miss you as a friend, too, you are a beautiful person. You always offered an entertaining look on everything and I do wish I could still hear it. I'm so sorry.

Everyone else- even if I can't remember at this time the ills I did to you, please, do not doubt that I am sorry- so sorry!- and that I wish I had never, ever, ever did them. Forgive me if I broke you down- and if I did- I pray that you overcome it...

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

Shame and embarrassment over one's past behavior are excellent motivators for improving future behavior. ;-)

You've made a good step, writing it down. The next step is to look each person in the eye and say it. It's so hard to do, yet so beautiful after it's done.