Impermanence is all I know
So far, my mind, from fragile hope
Outward travels half my strife,
Lone, I take the remaining.
All for you, though ne'er you see
Tirelessly I wage war on myself
Is that why you cower? Is that what you see?
Only through isolation can I keep you safe;
No escape for me.
I feel- and rightfully so- as if I were the most detestable being upon this planet. I have committed so many wrongs- willingly and unwillingly and various shades of grey in-between those two sins. I have tired of myself, not in the way I was before- now, I tire of me in the way that others long had. I tire of my judgement, my eccentric opinions, and my keen eye for that which I wish to fight. I tire of it because I wish to renounce it.. But am too weak- or strong, depending on how one views the situation- to do so. I know I'm supposed to mold this scourge upon me (and those among me) into something that will do good, but the shame of the thoughts- the shame of that which I suppress willingly and intentionally- the shame of what others must think of me- the shame of committing relationship genocide- it makes me so.. Ashamed.
I hide because I do not have hold enough on the situation to make right- is that even possible?- the years of subtle emotional bullying I perpetrated. I hide because it lessens the chance that others will continue to add to the likely already flourishing opinion as to who I really am.
I hide because I dehumanized myself in their eyes.. And it dehumanized me. I hide as my fragile human nature- the good part, my soul- germinates and slowly blossoms in the dark cloud of my existence, best fed by the tears too many leave unshed and the few kind acts I do.
Becoming human is painful; I wish I had never lost my humanity. Now, outside of God, I have only my writing to tell my opinions to and emotions to without feeling as if I'm nothing but a burden that others have programmed themselves to not truly listen to because of my overbearing desire for some control.
Now, I control myself so that others may forgive me.. Please, I don't ask for friendship. I don't deserve it; this is my period of suffering. I ask for forgiveness and to forget, wholly, that which I was..