Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hiding.. From me, the past, and others

Impermanence is all I know
So far, my mind, from fragile hope
Outward travels half my strife,
Lone, I take the remaining.
All for you, though ne'er you see
Tirelessly I wage war on myself
Is that why you cower? Is that what you see?
Only through isolation can I keep you safe;
No escape for me.

I feel- and rightfully so- as if I were the most detestable being upon this planet. I have committed so many wrongs- willingly and unwillingly and various shades of grey in-between those two sins. I have tired of myself, not in the way I was before- now, I tire of me in the way that others long had. I tire of my judgement, my eccentric opinions, and my keen eye for that which I wish to fight. I tire of it because I wish to renounce it.. But am too weak- or strong, depending on how one views the situation- to do so. I know I'm supposed to mold this scourge upon me (and those among me) into something that will do good, but the shame of the thoughts- the shame of that which I suppress willingly and intentionally- the shame of what others must think of me- the shame of committing relationship genocide- it makes me so.. Ashamed.

I hide because I do not have hold enough on the situation to make right- is that even possible?- the years of subtle emotional bullying I perpetrated. I hide because it lessens the chance that others will continue to add to the likely already flourishing opinion as to who I really am.

How?...

I hide because I dehumanized myself in their eyes.. And it dehumanized me. I hide as my fragile human nature- the good part, my soul- germinates and slowly blossoms in the dark cloud of my existence, best fed by the tears too many leave unshed and the few kind acts I do.

Becoming human is painful; I wish I had never lost my humanity. Now, outside of God, I have only my writing to tell my opinions to and emotions to without feeling as if I'm nothing but a burden that others have programmed themselves to not truly listen to because of my overbearing desire for some control.

Now, I control myself so that others may forgive me.. Please, I don't ask for friendship. I don't deserve it; this is my period of suffering. I ask for forgiveness and to forget, wholly, that which I was..

5 comments:

READmyMIND said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
READmyMIND said...

this
blog
is
fantastic.

a whole new wonderful dark mature side of you that I LOVE.

welcome back.

I've missed you.

Lydia said...

Thank you..

Thank you so very much..

I've missed your input as well.

Marvin the Martian said...

Yes, you are delightfully detestable, wonderfully woebegone, lovably loathsome. I'm glad you write. You are a wriggling larva, pupafying into a beautiful butterfly. It's a slow, painful process, becoming an adult human. Thanks for sharing it with us.

PS - Weezer is MUCH better than the Smashing Pumpkins. ;-)

Lydia said...

NO THEY ARE NOT!!! BLASPHEMY! :P