Perhaps I am afraid that the me I was still lurks within me intact. Perhaps I am afraid that I will lose any hope I have for myself to be redeemed if I truly acknowledged what is within me. Perhaps I just wish to play things safe because I am more terrified of future, insurmountable hurt than anything else..
Yes, that last factor/explanation is the greatest and most viable: I have lived for months (perhaps years, now) coasting through life because I don't think I could make it through any more pain, what with the way I am. This is a huge problem, is it not? My problems shall not go away, they must be confronted one day.. But I cannot bring myself to even think of that- not now. Therefore I walk alone: loneliness is safety; I cannot drag anyone into their own hell- Nineveh, if you will, in reference to Jonah's reluctance to make good what he wanted bad for God- but neither can I drag myself through it and relieve a bit of it. I need human support and spiritual, but I lack the first out of fear that I shall leave them worse for the wear and I lack the second (though not wholly) because I have so little people to rely on and look to for guidance concerning the path I wish to take and therefore I hide, also, in fear of delving within myself for a clear and concise spiritual solution.
I suppose I need to think and pray more. Hopefully sometime soon I can gain the courage to write something in here again.