Thursday, February 18, 2010

Afraid of What May Come Up

I haven't written lately on here (as it is easy to see). I could say that my busyness has prevented me from doing so, but that wouldn't be true (though I have been reasonable busy lately). To be honest with both myself and with whoever reads this, it's because I'm afraid of what might be unearthed if I were to apply myself to writing what I best like to write- egotistical analyzations of various happenings in my life and in the world. That, of course, requires a lot of soul searching if I wish to be truthful.. And I have been utterly terrified of looking within myself deeply for a long while now. 

Perhaps I am afraid that the me I was still lurks within me intact. Perhaps I am afraid that I will lose any hope I have for myself to be redeemed if I truly acknowledged what is within me. Perhaps I just wish to play things safe because I am more terrified of future, insurmountable hurt than anything else..

Yes, that last factor/explanation is the greatest and most viable: I have lived for months (perhaps years, now) coasting through life because I don't think I could make it through any more pain, what with the way I am. This is a huge problem, is it not? My problems shall not go away, they must be confronted one day.. But I cannot bring myself to even think of that- not now. Therefore I walk alone: loneliness is safety;  I cannot drag anyone into their own hell- Nineveh, if you will, in reference to Jonah's reluctance to make good what he wanted bad for God- but neither can I drag myself through it and relieve a bit of it. I need human support and spiritual, but I lack the first out of fear that I shall leave them worse for the wear and I lack the second (though not wholly) because I have so little people to rely on and look to for guidance concerning the path I wish to take and therefore I hide, also, in fear of delving within myself for a clear and concise spiritual solution.

I suppose I need to think and pray more. Hopefully sometime soon  I can gain the courage to write something in here again.


Marvin the Martian said...

Yes, I try never to let MY writing get in the way of my fear and self-loathing, either. ;-)))

You're right, blogging should be fun, free, effortless. If writing makes you cringe because it makes you think about all your failings, then it's no fun. I don't blame you a bit.

But I'm glad you posted, and I'm glad you're okay.

Lydia said...

Thank you, Marvin. I do appreciate your continued patronage of sorts to my blog.

Marvin the Martian said...

It's my pleasure. If you were dull, I would not read you. Ergo, you are interesting. ;-)