Monday, January 25, 2010

Internal Sabotage

I have a sour feeling all throughout my body. It's familiar; it's my greatest enemy. The subtle and banal evil within me that loves to eat at me and rob me of all hope or want for hope. The drive to act in spite towards myself and others and burn every bridge that keeps me alive. That, reader, is a small part- just one facet of a jewel stained red and with a black core. How could I not believe in a personal, saving God? How could I not believe there's a Devil out to seduce me into the evil that both existed within me since conception and was integrated into myself as I progressed?...

This feeling..

This emptiness...

It's a prozac moment. So beautiful. So ugly and worthless.

I, I am my greatest saboteur. Every hurt in my life was calculated by myself against myself- even, perhaps, those hurts that have long existed. Every failure is at my own hands; every shame is something I knew I would come to regret. We humans- we are great analogies of Satan and God. My shame is from my perversion of the truth and what is right; my joy is the preservation or reclamation of what should be. With that said, I do not believe I am a god or a demon- I just believe that both exert an influence upon me and I am quite sure I'd rather follow the pull of the first as much as I may.. Not only to earn his favor, which I could never do by myself, but to subsist and wrap myself around each day and everything- all the pain and the bittersweet joys (reminders, mainly, of pain, absence, and longing to come).

Let us pray I can fight this. I don't like the thought of losing or damaging any of what I have left.. And I don't like the path I would slip down were I to take one step.

1 comment:

Marvin the Martian said...

Awww, and here I was, thinking that your silence meant that you were (a.) happier and (b.) busy.

Have you read Frank Piretti's books, like "This Present Darkness"? Excellent series about angels and demons battling it out all around you, unseen.

You know, reincarnation theory discusses an interlife period where your soul meets with other souls it knows (like your family or friends, souls you travel with over and over through many lives), and you all debrief your soul and analyze how you performed in the life you just completed, and then you plan out your next life, with challenges and tests to help your soul learn and grow. So when you say that every hurt is calculated by you, against yourself, you may be more right than you know.