Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Just this once...

Rarely would I choose the
Empty actions of a teenager when
Simple words may be written.
Tonight, I long for that which I detest.
Lord knows if I found it, it wouldn't be worth the while, but..
Eagerness to try pervades me.
So I betray my roots, my essence,
Since I am so lonely.

I have to admit that I have lived these past weeks off of stolen, secluded incidents of shallow-ish fun. I've made it day to day by drawing off of conversations and laughs, seeking out more attention- and what that entails for me is simply putting myself out more, not altogether boldly or haughtily, with the intent of feeling a shallow admiration (no, not an admiration.. Affirmation) from whoever will provide it. I have rudely asked to be someone's lab partner in Chemistry. Canceled a ride home with my mom and instead had a boy take me- not that anything improper or even flirtatious occurred. Stepped in to conversations that I fear I likely should have stayed out of. Heckled a boy who, though I don't necessarily like him, I wish would like me a small bit. Sat next to another who probably has a superficial interest in me, but because of my intelligence, would never like me.

All those things, taken for granted by most, I cannot stand myself for.

But neither can I stand the oppressive loneliness. No wonder those who can turn to partying and popularity! But this is my place.. I wish some people would join me, though, and keep me within my prescribed areas, happily.

In short, I wish I were out, flirting, talking, laughing over things that will not matter in an hour's time- and that angers me.


Marvin the Martian said...

It's surprising how even a few small, short, meaningless conversations per day is enough to sustain one's soul.

Lydia said...

I know. I hate that that is my sustenance lately.