The Night Mare

Why am I Bland?

2011-11-16T07:25:00.001-08:00

Why are my thoughts so mundane and typical?

I don't care for living as an un-creative, stifled human, and it's certainly not what I wish to be. Yet that fate has come upon me and instead of detesting it, fighting against it, and denying it, by boring nature has more or less accepted it. Wherefore art thou, self, who once wrote nonsense stories and saw them to completion? Where have you hidden your notes, your heartfelt, foolish, but valuable vignettes; your ability to run at whim, your uncanny ability to startle when you laugh?

Granted, all of those things, when actually within my life, needed some reigning in, and I certainly couldn't have dealt with all the emotional darkness which filled the time between my miniature periods of pseudo-creativity. Yet I still miss them. Old me, set apart from others, says that I have betrayed myself and am foolish for not seeking the parts of myself so integral to my sustained well-being. New, practical me says that all lose those childish aspects and learn how to passably enjoy life without the imaginative doings of childhood.

I don't want to be a child, and I know I must develop emotional and mental well-being. Yet I see that life is bleak, too, when things are without surprise, without joy, without a childish wonder at people and places and circumstances.

_________________________________________________________________________
Another part of me, too, knows that the accusations made by my boyfriend are right: I am on repeat; I have visited this topic time and time again and made no real progress. That, too, dissuades me: is he right? Is life..... That? Is it?...

Nebulous

2011-11-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am unsure of what I desire out of my future. When once I meticulously set my heart and face to a pre-planned goal, now I don't know exactly what I should aim for in some matters.. To make decisions, you see, means that I forfeit certain opportunities and things (My, self, how profound that observation is...). Because of my fear, there is nothing to do but wait, as my peers seem to do and as I have been doing more and more lately.

World Diabetes Day

2011-11-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

It's my first Diabetes Day being aware of my condition.

I wanted to really control my blood glucose levels today as a symbolic action, but it is impossible. Something is kinking the chain; something is amiss. This disease is not easily managed.

I won't go in to details about my feelings about diabetes- sometimes I want to or do cry, for selfish reasons, because of something having a disease has taken from me; sometimes I am glad for the challenge, and other times- such as lately- I have no preference. I don't care. I usually do well with no effort in all things- and if I am not good at them, I don't do them- but playing this role is too much. I fail.

And here's a song I love which can somewhat be tied into the concept of me being alive, though in truth I shouldn't be:

But I am grateful, though some days I can hardly see why I should be. Yet the desire for life persists. Thank you, all who brought medicine to where it is today. Thank you, God, for some reason sparing me.

Future, Friends, Etc.

2011-11-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

No more of this, still, thankfully:
I think I may finally be making headway on my goal to rebuild friendships. I think. I hope. I pray.
I am trying to focus my life, and though I haven't truly done so yet. Academics, charity, and writing seem to be what I am most focused on- as well as finally putting time into getting to know people.
I am woefully ashamed to admit that I haven't yet solidified any God-things into my plan, but I know I shall need them. I hate to say this... But I have fallen on dark times in my faith. It is not gone, nor is it dying, but it is weak and I need a change. Nothing much has came out of churchy-church things lately, such as bible studies or worship, and though I shall continue them, I'm hoping that the adage that people repeat about God making himself known through others will prove true (hence the friendships and charity). It's hard to feel God loves you and cares for you when you're isolated... And hard when one of your life's features, I.E., veganism, is rejected by 99.9% of those of your faith.
I am still in the process of applying for too many toasters (and by that I mean colleges and scholarships). I am a bit uncertain about it, though, because I don't intend on applying to any local universities- which are almost guaranteed admission for me- and because I haven't been putting too much time into my college essays. That includes my essays for Yale... Uh-oh. I like to believe I'm a good writer with little effort, but I don't know if that cuts it.

Life Update

2011-10-27T19:24:00.001-07:00

I wish I had time to write something magnificent- and I mean truly so.. Unlike what I write typically. I wish I had time to compose poetry, short works, newspaper articles, letters to the editor, etc. But I don't! I've been occupying myself with keeping up with my schoolwork- still have seven classes, all of them college-level!- beginning to apply to colleges, and seeking out potential scholarships (none of which I feel I am actually qualified to win...)

On top of that- and this is great!- I have a job interview with a local hospice organization I volunteered for a year ago. They had a CNA position open (11pm-7am on Saturday and Sunday... A blessing and a curse), and with some reconnecting, I was granted this chance. My interview is tomorrow.

Also, this is my third day on the insulin pump and it's so much better than multiple daily injections (though it's still not perfect at all...). I am eager to be able to utilize all the special features and maybe- just maybe- reign in this beast.

I can't begin to understand..

2011-10-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

I wish this was a hoax. I pray this IS a hoax; some weird, twisted joke to make some weird, non-existent point.

But it doesn't seem to be. And that scares me.. For me, because I may do the same and because I, with diabetes, may one day be in desperate need for assistance (and if a young, innocent child is unworthy, how am I?) and for others, because we just don't seem to care.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2051679/Yue-Yue-dead-Chinese-girl-Wang-Yue-2-run-bystanders-watch-dies.html

Watch the video. If it weren't for it, I may believe it to be untrue. It still may be... But to believe so is ignorant. This is the world. What is wrong with us?

College Considerations

2011-10-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a quarter through with my last year of high school, which means that very, very shortly I am to send out applications to all the colleges I'm toying with the idea of trying to go to. A lot of my peers have already applied- and been accepted into- their college of choice; I've yet to fully apply for college.

In fact, I can hardly decide which of the several colleges which interest me I'd like:

College of the Atlantic in Bar Harbor, Maine;

Warren Wilson in Asheville, North Carolina;

Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida;

Reed College in Portland, Oregon;

Yale in New Haven, Connecticut (it's very vegan-friendly..);

University of South Florida (ehhh........) in Tampa, Floirda; etc.

(These are the main ones as of the moment.)

My guidance counselor suggests applying to six or so colleges, so I guess I'll be applying for all of those... But first I need to prove that I'm poor enough to warrant and application fee waiver for all of them, determine whether I'm up to par with some of their standards, and whether I want to live in that location. It's all very strange to me: I spent some number of years yearning for the adventure and mystery that would be college (if I could ever get there... Will I?) and now it is close at hand, and I have tethered parts of me down, for the worse or for the better.

I repent.

2011-10-15T19:41:00.001-07:00

Forget my last post. Such things need to be left in the past.

I'm a fragile optimist

2011-10-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

As a depressed man later gone happy once sang:

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel"

I am a walking contradiction, a breathing, crappy combination of things which should never be mixed.

I try hard to keep an innocent part of me alive, even though it often leads me to evil. I want to believe I can fall in love, run, touch other's hearts, sing, and take my place in a family of beautiful, free people. I want to believe I can live and not kill, live and not lie, live and not hate. I want to believe and trust that all people are beautiful and that they never change and that at any time, as in heaven, I may again come together with them and laugh and cry and feel all those silly, maybe-non existent feelings I dream up while alone.

But the "realist" part of me- born of disappointment, a certain (very common) look on reality, and circumstances tells me no. It tells me that my childish attempts at preserving anyone's- even my own- purity is absurd. It tells me that no one has purity, purpose, or meaning; it tells me what the masses tell me- I am a fool for believing in a loving God (or a God at all); I am a fool for thinking vegetarianism is an ideal to be pursued; I am a fool for not having sex, drinking, and using drugs because THIS IS ALL THERE IS.

Throw diabetes into the mix, and I'm a true wreck. Before, things were excusable. If I was feeling down- if what may be reality was present within me- I could harden my heart and tell myself to suck it up and find some way to make myself happy anyways. If no friends were present, I could curse the idea of friends. If I had no lover, I could laugh at love and all it's uselessness and be just fine by my own cold self. Now- if life is frivolous- I am obliged to keep myself alive each day. Every day I decide between my own life and my own death. Which shall I choose?

Does life have meaning, hope, and love that I might strive forward to them and have a reason for living?
Is life senseless, random, and hardening? Is the only thing I must weigh in upon while choosing to try for life or to welcome death myself?

Yes, I am seeing things in black and white here. But be truthful: is there really any grey area which to take harbor in? Can you honestly say that life should be caring and kind and yet believe that it is a senseless thing? Can a random occurrence, born out of luck and continued on by yet more luck, really have purpose with no outside leader?

The last line of the song I quoted- "The more you change the less you feel"- is one of my dearest mottoes. I have changed, but I have not benefited. I have changed, but in the process, I've largely forgotten how to connect with others, love, or even be sure about who I want to be and who I am. I don't feel as deeply for anything as I once did. Do I care if others die? Yes... But why, I ask myself, and then the conviction fades. Do I care if a beast dies? Yes... But why, I ask myself, and then the world rushes in and says it's okay, it's natural, we all must die, they all must die.

Then let me die! I must die, for that is natural. Is the synthetic insulin I burden the world with natural? No. I fell ill with this disease, which is fatal. Always. Is it natural for any of you to care for me? No. Then stop telling me I should live.

Diabetes, Pump, and the Need for Control

2011-10-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

When people ask me whether or not my diabetes is under control, I never quite know what to say. I don't pass out once daily, or once a week, or even once every three months. I don't walk around with blood sugars in the 400s, but they're nowhere near ideal, either. So what do I say? Since the general populace has little idea of what diabetes really is, its true dangers, or what it actually entails, I can't explain adequately what being in control really means. So here's how my diabetes control tends to be: I'm not going to die today (at least probably not, especially from diabetes), but it is driving me closer to death (and faster!) than you.

I wish to take more control, and WHEN THE PUMP PEOPLE FINALLY CALL ME TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT (I already got my pump in the mail) I can tack that on as a means of gaining more control. Until then... I am increasing my insulin usage and hope for the best (and no hypoglycemic episodes while scooting from place to place). I am tired of high blood sugar and fear that it will rob me of not only my physical health but also my mental clarity and ability (it's been known to decrease cognitive function, alas).

In other news, I am now a certified nurses' assistant.

I Can Be Whole

2011-10-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

I can be what I feel like I am, but better and more holy. (That last part, admittedly, will be EXTREMELY HARD and somewhat ANNOYING.. [Sorry God! It's true... You must know it...])

I can have my dreams, or, at least, the feelings I long for...

Life can be worth living to me, no matter what others tell me I should feel from life.

Time is of the Essence

2011-10-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

There's quite a few things I always wanted to have in my life which aren't there:

Regular writing- especially stories and poetry
Volunteer work
Carefree fun
A best friend
Deep relationships with role models
A strong Christian community

I'll stop there, because I actually don't want to moan right now. I just need to take a look at my life and how I'm spending it and dedicate more time to what matters. I'm reading abook called In Praise of Slowness, you see, which brings up the issue of the brevity of life... And how we can squander it in frantic, meaningless pursuits or slow down and enjoy what matters. I am yet young. I can still slow down...

It's Doc Gerbil's World

2011-10-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

See? Proof that it is NOT my world.

I need to accept that and learn to live my life according to that principle. I'm miserable because things never go my way (even if my way is, to me, a simple and small thing to ask for sometimes*), and that breeds an even lesser likelihood of happiness in the future because I am both disappointed and hopeless.

* Sometimes, I long for the feelings of fondness and happiness I would occasionally experience in years past. Those wishes, I think, are reasonable, but my modes of wishing to procure them are not. Times have changed, and I must find solace and happiness in other means.

God's Will

2011-10-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

I always thought He desired not the death of any of his creatures, but this last week I've been bombarded with evidence saying the contrary. It made sense to me that God would desire a return to his original diet- vegetarianism- both for us humans and for his beloved creatures. I thought it was wrong to kill.

But the Bible simply doesn't state that, as many an online Christian would have me know. There are (probably heretical) Christians who claim that extra-biblical works prove the actual vegetarianism of Jesus and many of his disciples (such as Clement of Alexandria, Iraneus, Hegsesippus, etc.), but I can't know to trust them over the Bibles contained on my shelf. Their testimony is interesting, and a huge part of me clings to it still, and I'd love to know the truth behind the claims of what they wrote. Yet... To believe, as they state (only a century after the death of Christ), that Christianity includes vegetarianism is to believe that the Bible is corrupt beyond repair, and that is to believe that I (and billions of others) have been misinformed about the nature of Christ... And then what? Christianity is devoluted to nothing more than a new-agey belief that there's a loving God, the Holy Spirit, and a messiah, Jesus, who was man and God and who was crucified 2000 years ago.

So my extra-biblical moral compass is waning and faltering. I can't say I want the death of an animal, but I suppose I have no grounds, religiously, to even try to convince others to not contribute to animal death because the savior of the world ate fish and probably other meats. So I suppose any sorrow I have for this situation is misplaced. Yet I cannot shake it... So.. I am still a vegan. (Maybe I should just say plant-based now?) Now, though, I truly feel what St. Paul said: That my faith is weak. Somehow, my faith is so weak that I believed God wanted us to be merciful to his creatures and, thus, not slaughter and consume them if we could at all help it.

Instead, as those with more faith than I believe, I should take the stance that we must raise our animals and slaughter them in a God-pleasing (still sounds like an oxymoron to me) way, that is, ethically. Thus, the rabbit, goat, sheep, cow, and chicken we love today can be ate tomorrow... And all of this is not a moral issue.

This throws a wrench in my life plans and in my life's purpose, and I don't yet know what it will bring, ultimately.

It's Vegan Month of Food...

2011-10-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

And I am not a food blogger, which saddens me. Maybe I'll try it next year (maybe I'll have more time next year, too!).

In the mean time, I am sure to be looking thrice-daily at a ton of really-good-looking and not diabetic friendly at all dishes and being very tempted to recreate one or two.

Post-Lion King

2011-10-02T05:16:00.000-07:00

I went, courtesy of W. (But only because I entreated him..) to see the Lion King in 3D last night. I was very glad for the opportunity... I thought I'd missed the chance at seeing my favorite, somewhat life-defining movie in theaters when I was two or three.

There's so much about that movie, too, that I realize I didn't understand at five, then eight, or even at thirteen and beyond. Each time I watch, the depth of it intensifies. It's like a ruler in which to compare my understanding of life, death, God, and all other things philosophical from the dawning of me until now.

Anyhow... I bring you this... Because something needs be done.

(Click to enlarge)

Created by eLocal.com via Care2.com

October..

2011-10-01T04:44:00.000-07:00

It's October in the land where the Night Mare resides, as it very well may be where you are. This- the arbitrary arrival of fall once again- means that meaning must be sought, found, questioned, and wondered. This means that I cannot afford- don't want to afford- not blogging.

I've been wondering again about how wise it is for me to blog the type of things I blog. My blog is an online diary of all the things I'd try to tell someone if I they were close to me and if I were able. It being thus, much of me doesn't mind the regurgitation of my self into the cyberworld- it's a lot like if I had a best friend- but part of me wishes there was more sacredness to the whole process and, of course, a lot more resolution and clarity (which comes about when you are able to discuss things with people in person). But for now- for the month of October- this blog will suffice, as it has for some time.

For the sake of content, I'll inform you of what I've been up to in my half willingly, half accidental absence. It's school, really. The seven and a half classes I'm taking (all of which but one are college-level) keep me rather occupied, and due to laziness, I spend the rest of my free time either walking around to aid my body with it's disease or with W., also usually walking around (or stupidly using the internet while he's around.. But that's another "YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS GOING TO PASS YOU BY" panic for another day). I'm getting eager to be done, somewhat, with all the work. Yet even if I do graduate high-ranking in high school, surely I'll strive for the same excellence in college, so... My days of intense schooling are not yet over in the least. (But it is tempting to take on less as I progress in college... But time is always of the essence... Right?) Now that fall is here, and with it cooler winds that awaken one to better things, I wish to make more of it.

There's just one last thing I wish to mention. My goal of making friends this year is not utterly failing, and for that I am grateful. I have yet to develop a close relationship with anyone, but I've very partially re-established some communication with old friends at my high school and have, just a small bit, been talking more with people at PHCC. In other words, I'm feeling quite hopeful, but still not much in the way of tangible results... (In other other words, no one has run up to me and begged to be my very best friend, to which I begrudgingly agree and proceed to have a relationship the depth of which takes years to form instantaneously... [By the same ticket, no large group of Christian, Vegan, Me-type people has recruited me into their social circle, wherein they weekly get together at their cozy abodes and serve vegan, sugar-free baked goods and tea... Fancy that. You'd think they'd have reached out to me already!])

And that was my September.

To do in October:

Read a horror story once per day.
Hone the art of vegan baking.
Procure a job as a CNA.. But first pass the test.
MAYBE FINALLY GET AN INSULIN PUMP.
Listen to all my Smashing Pumpkins CDs.
Do one long walk at my local nature park.

Invisibility

2011-09-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2011
3. But I had symptoms since: Maybe as early as 2007; definitely by mid-2010
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: the loss of freedom with certain aspects of life
5. Most people assume: my diabetes is not a big deal
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Trying to decide what I want to eat and how it will affect my bloodsugar in the next few hours
7. My favorite medical TV show is: N/A
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: I wish I could say N/A
9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting up to brush my teeth and floss.
10. Each day I take 0 pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: think they COULD be very useful BUT probably NOT A CURE.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: an invisible one.
13. Regarding working and career: It may be hard to balance my health, school, and a career.
4. People would be surprised to know: injections aren't so bad.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I am reliant upon a modern-day invention.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: eat at a buffet.. It sucked, though...
17. The commercials about my illness: are non-existent. They're all about type 2.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: eating precisely what I felt like.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: N/A
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: daily walking instead of periodic walking.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: take a long, long hike and finish the day with a nice round of vegan desserts.
22. My illness has taught me: that everyone has difficulties, and not everything needs to be so dramatic.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "You'll get used to it."
24. But I love it when people: are educated on the specifics of type 1.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: If you need someone who understands, I can help... Or I will try.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how normal it gets- or the stages of "normalcy" it goes through.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: N/A
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I felt compelled.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: of worth.

My History Teacher

2011-09-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

I am incredibly blessed this year/semester with wonderful teachers. One of them, especially, stands out as one who will undoubtedly profoundly affect me: my history teacher. Maybe after I graduate I shall name him by name; for now, however, I shall keep him shrouded in anonymity.

Though he's already said tens of things I wish desperately to recall later in life, there's one cluster of subjects which I really wished to record before they left my recollection: him and God.

He's not a mainstream Christian- if he's even a Christian at all- but my teacher has something lacking in many: a humility towards God Himself. Though he'll laugh at the Medieval Catholic church until Kingdom come, my teacher is not one to view human faith as a bad thing. In fact- and this surprised me- he even digressed one day to tell us that human faith was, to him, a beautiful thing; perhaps the most beautiful, and that faith was a wonderful thing to keep in mind and in heart. Which leads to the second thing pertaining to this topic I wished to reiterate: the fact that only now, with humanity so far removed from nature and kindness and relationships, do humans dare to deny the existence of any god whatsoever. Atheists are a modern phenomena, and it is most foolish to view something which has existed throughout all of humanity's history- a belief in the supernatural- as foolish.

Strange. Maybe the opinionated non-traditional/maybe-non-Christian European History teacher I have will end up being a boon to my own neglected faith.

371

2011-09-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

You don't write happy things when your blood sugar is 371 after taking three units of insulin four hours ago when it was 320. You just lay awake, not really wanting to sleep, wondering if things can be normalized before your endocrinology appointment in five hours or before you have your first precalculus test which you absolutely need a clear- functioning mind for.

I've been so stupid these last three birthday-days. I can't get away with the excess... Why do I keep trying? I just keeping bathing my organs in acidic blood, supersaturated with glucose molecules which, although not contributing any calories to me at the moment, are intent upon trying their utmost to kill me.

I have those little ketostix; I know this is when I should use them.. But I am too scared. I don't know why I have them around...

"I just drank a fifth of kool-aid... Dare me to drive?"

2011-09-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up early to lovingly prepare myself a beautiful birthday meal (homemade [from scratch] funfetti pancakes). 900 calories, with all the fat I am supposed to eat in a day and 90g of carbohydrate.

It was delicious, and now I am quite sustained, though I hope I got the insulin right!

(I would have taken a photograph, but I burnt some of them a bit and they were rather ugly-looking.)

Anyhow, now I'm 18. Not a minor. Not someone who should need so much guidance. I am 18, and though I have no ideal party to celebrate it with, or many friends to liven the next year, I have some things: special things (the class ranking is very close; maybe I can advance beyond #5) and mundane ones (the privilege of school, my house, the same old music CDs, etc.). (Some things, like the fact that my CNA preparation course takes place on my birthday, are both).

Fellow Diabetic

2011-08-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out that there is a man (I was going to say kid, but he's likely 25-30) in my class with type 1 diabetes. In fact, he's a Certified Diabetes Educator, too, so he really is informed. I wax excited when I found out that he had juvenile diabetes- I know, that sounds a bit cruel- but I was even happier when we got to talk about things. (He also made me excited again about the prospect of getting a pump. Also, it's rather funny, but he recommended both models I've been looking into most- the Animas Ping [which he had] and the Omnipod.)

Look how cute the Pings are!

The Omnipod is appealing, too...

He may not be new friend #1, but he's new-mutual-diabetic-friendly-acquaintance #1. And that is nice.

Now, I really am going to try to contact someone at high school today. (I'm so pathetic. So, so, so pathetic...)

What to Do, What to Do...

2011-08-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

I find it distressing that I haven't written any works of creative fiction at all in at least a year- longer for short stories.
I find it doubly distressing that I'm not agonizing over that, considering writing was- is- one of my very favorite activities/skills.
I am considering loafing around- and by that, I mean getting some generic BA degree in something that won't be related to how I will "make money"- at some Florida university for a year after receiving my AA from the community college I attend. I figure I could push myself and get a BA in just a year more, as some people do. The problem with this plan is that I don't particularly like Florida, for one; for two, none of the colleges around here scream to me "KRISTEN! You will love me, both for what I shall teach you (and how) and for my wonderful programs/food/location"; three, I will likely be getting a BA in psychology or English, which is not very related to my intended BA (MA?) of Nutrition/ Food Sciences. Can I just get a "random" BA and then transfer and get another BA and then an MA?
Still no new friends have been made at either of my schools. I'm working on this! I feel good today... I will be open today... (I hope...)

Diabetes and the Sermon on the Mount

2011-08-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

I will not attempt a thorough analysis of the relationship between having a disease you must look after nearly 24 hours a day (and I know diabetes isn't the only one!), but will instead post random tidbits and my thoughts/complaints/laments about them.

One of the many dilemma I've yet to resolve concerning diabetes is the conflict between having to dedicate so much thought, time, and care to my own health vs. how I am meant to (in a perfect world) be selfless and eager to think of others first. My faith- nay, all faiths, I believe- would have me strive to think less of worldly things (think: my own wants, problems, etc.) and instead consider more how I might help others. I still am desirous of becoming more and more selfless, but (yes, in many ways this is nothing but an excuse) diabetes impedes that.

Matthew 5:40-42 says that we should give to all those who ask of us and not seek retaliation ("Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."). This I can do without bodily threat to some extent. However, hypothetically speaking, what if what someone requires of me is the food I had allotted to myself to stave off hypoglycemia? It's improbable, but it might one day happen... And if it did, I know that if my reaction were to squander the food from someone starving or desperately in need I would deserve no mercy.
Matthew 6:19-24 is the oft quoted section of the bible which instructs us to "lay up for ourselves treasure in heaven", not on earth. This, as most (all?) Christians are taught, is done through charitable work, prayer, and by obeying God. We are not to worry so much about whether we have enough food, money, or water- those things, in the entire scheme of your eternal life, are unimportant- you should trust that God will provide for you, in this life or the next. Yet...In order to help ensure my wretched survival, I must by necessity store up insulin, syringes, test strips, ketone strips, cotton balls, alcohol, etc. This pursuit may very well hinder my storing up of imperishable things in heaven, for it is a selfish one (meaning it is concerned only with me and my continued survival). In my experience, selfish thoughts beget selfish thoughts which, in turn, beget selfish acts...
Matthew 6:25-34 (a small section of this is posted on the side of my blog) speaks of how one should not be anxious for their needs because God will provide for us just as he does so for the birds of the field. Once again, to some extent, I can safely practice this and, indeed, should. God will provide for me life-giving things, including insulin and food, if that is His will. Yet insulin is not something that God would necessarily bring down from heaven to lay at my side (as food sometimes is- with little effort, food can be provided through either caring strangers, food pantries, wild bushes, etc.). Yes, God certainly could do that, or he could miraculously keep me alive without synthetic insulin for a time if He chose. But insulin, as I have it, is a man-made thing; it is fashioned after what God gave me but then took away. If civilization collapses, so do I, after a short time. I do need to decrease my anxiety due to diabetes, though.

After writing this, I realize I just need to trust. Trusting God for insulin seems different than trusting him for food or water, two natural things. Yet, in the end, for however long He will continue to provide it, it always comes from Him, right? Though a pharmacist dispenses mine to me, does He not really deliver it to me? To trust this wholly will take more faith than I have presently, I think.

This and That, August 2011 edition

2011-08-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

School has began again. This is the prelude to the rest of this post.
As was demonstrated in my scooter post, I have a scooter. Yesterday, after a full day (my first!) of illegal riding on busy streets (and two accidental runnings-of-red-lights.... Shame...), I finally took my driver's test at the DMV. So... AS OF AUGUST 23 IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2011 (is that the right way to write that? I don't think so) I am a licensed driver. There's a couple things I wish to add to this section: 1. I had told myself I'd lie and say there was nothing (like, say, insulin-dependent juvenile diabetes) keeping me from safely driving. I had determined that it would be best for me in my circumstances (though still not moral...). However, the lady didn't even ask me that question, though here in Florida it is customary. I consider that a blessing. 2. During my actual test, which (out of nervousness) I did mess up on somewhat, I never had to leave the DMV's parking lot! I was told I'd have to take the evaluator out and into a neighborhood behind the DMV. When she told me I could park the car before we had left the DMV, I assumed I had somehow did something so horribly that I had irredeemably failed. However, she told me I had passed... And today I drove my scooter to and fro legally (and didn't run any lights).
My birthday approaches. Soon I shall no longer be a minor. That fact, coupled with my new-found ability to take myself places and various other recent developments in my life, is leaving me feeling like an old woman who never passed the childhood attachment to the safety of their mother's aid and protection. I feel a bit heartbroken.
I've been feeling quite strange for these past two days. I blame diabetes. Every strange feeling within me, which pre-diagnosis I would ignore, worries me slightly. However, the excitement and distraction of schooling is preventing me from too much medical angst at the moment. Yet... I no longer trust my body. I do not blame it, I pity it; it tried to serve me as it could. It failed on a large front, and now I do not know how long it can hold up on other fronts.
I am #5 in my class (366 students at least).

Behold! The Night Mare

2011-08-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

"What I fear is lost here

the wind blows and I know..."

Tomorrow I return to my high school for one last year. One last class for one last year.

I am nervous for many reasons. I hope and pray that I can rise to the occasion and forge for myself new relationships amongst those who I never quite connected with. I am afraid that I shall again be forced to face the fact I'd already grown comfortable with: I was and am something apart, if only because the deepest recesses of my psyche prevent me from fully integrating. Anyhow.

Wish me luck. My life swirls about me lately; I hardly know what shall happen next.

Success...

2011-08-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Now, all I need is to take my license test and get my cheap yet lovable and hopefully useful and functional scooter titled! (I bought it new.) I will be sure to chronicle my experiences with it (a bit) here... I will be using it primarly to get back and forth from high school, my house, and college. In the not-too-distant future, I'll use it to get me to my job... As a CNA. (Did I mention I am all set to take the courses to become one? I will then need to pass the test, but that is never an issue with me...)

Anyhow, I am trying to think of a Scottish/Chinese/Smashing Pumpkin-esque name for my scooter. Just for laughs... Any ideas?

Vacation Crapola

2011-08-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to post about my vacation, but I consistently forgot. So, instead of doing my morning walk (shame on me!), I will do that.

At one of the Mellow Mushrooms (we visited three)...

I found a four-leaf clover, which Wesley lost...

Outside of the Wild Cow cafe in Nashville (notice my Mellow Mushroom shirt?)

The pizzas from Mellow Mushroom (The first was pesto sauce with tempeh... YUM.. and the second was Daiya "cheese" with tofu. Both were DELICIOUS.)

And... Drumroll, please...

MY LOWEST LOW THUS FAR!

Hastily Recorded Good Things

2011-08-17T05:35:00.000-07:00

CNA preparation course is paid for- and at a discount!

Money left over is sufficient to purchase a decent 50cc scooter (don't laugh; I'm poor).

Insulin is working and I can eat what I feel is healthy and good to eat (complex carbs).

Only ONE module is left in my LAST year of Chinese!

My endocrinologist appointment approaches and I shall inquire as to whether I might receive an insulin pump.

I have one last day of work- a bit more money to be made- and I must away to prepare!

Happy Birthday, Wesley.

2011-08-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

Happy 19th birthday to Wesley!

Shame the delicious dinner we had and all the cake and ice cream has given me hyperglycemia (293). I've done something risky to cover it, though... Exercise (mild) and 2 units of insulin... And then to bed. Pray I awake if need be! :p

I didn't ask for this.. Oh, wait, I probably did.

2011-08-15T13:41:00.001-07:00

At first, I wanted to lament. After a calming walk, I just want to tell: on occasion, I mourn (obviously....) the apparently un-asked for disease I now have and wonder why it was thrust upon me without my consent. Then I remember the days of darkness where I'd fantasize that I was ill- typically, terminally and tragically so- and I was finally receiving love and truth and attention. Well...

I'm chronically ill, now. Yet the nature of the disease is such that no one mourns it. This is a good thing. This is a character-building thing.

.. And, this is a HUGE instance of "be careful what you wish for." Many-a-time have I wished for something evil and, sure enough, received it. Maybe the two events- my asking and the manifestation of my request- are not correlated, but even if that is so, surely my guilt and the burden of the realization of the event is still mine to deal with. I need to wish and pray for good. Which means I need to think positively. Which means I need to look outside of myself.

In other news:

Novolog has been working! Happy days are here again! (But I still need to learn how to cover myself with insulin!)

Exasperation...

2011-08-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

It looks so sweet, don't it?

It looks like it should work as prescribed, meaning that it should lower my lower by blood sugar within a half-hour or so.

But it doesn't.

I am in the middle of a test at the moment. I ate a HUGE lunch today (boyfriend's birthday lunch at a buffet!), so I took 4 units of the insulin to the left while eating from my new bottle. Then I came back home and slept. Four hours later, my glucose level was 249 (This was at 5 pm). Thinking that perhaps I hadn't taken enough with lunch, I took 2 units of Novolog and resolved to eat in about an hour. An hour later, my blood glucose was in the 260s! I don't believe my stomach should still be digesting carbohydrates, so I don't think my small intestine suddenly released another round of glucose into my veins. I think the Novolog- even the new, shiny, free Novolog- either isn't working or is not working as it should.

The only way for me to find out is to keep testing each hour without eating or exerting myself. In 30 minutes, I'll test again. Hopefully it will be normalized then. Even if it is, however, I don't want it. Rapid acting insulin is useful because it works quickly and prevents huge spikes. If it doesn't do that, it's nearly worthless. But I can't go back to Humalog- before I ceased to take that, it was causing full-body hives and elevated pulse... NOT GOOD.

If NovoLog doesn't work right, what in the world can I do, though? God help me.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, the insulin's back..

2011-08-13T04:38:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I realized that my fast-acting insulin was not just not fast, but it was not acting. It had somehow gone bad and was not working to bring down my blood sugars. Because my pancreas still has some function and because my long-lasting was going strong, this wasn't an emergency (and perhaps would not have ever been one). However, it did leave me with only two options: 1. hover at 150-200 mg/dL all day, every day, until the time had come for my insurance to pay for a new bottle (20 days), or eat a restricted diet of either low-carb foods or VERY LITTLE medium carb foods.

I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy not just because I had two crappy options, but because I had/have so little control over these things now. No healthy pancreas have I to balance out my life, to prevent all the menacing complications, to help my entire endocrine system (NOT JUST INSULIN, BE THEE NOT FOOLED) to work properly as a human's should. Just two bottles of insulin, and if one's gone...

After a couple of days of major diabetes angst and pessimism, I- well, my mom, really- made the long trek to All Children's hospital where they gave us two free bottle of Novolog. I felt quite ecstatic, and I promised myself that I would begin to experiment with eating higher carbohydrate (80g or so per meal) and covering it with insulin (because that is my new plan*). Yet... Today, my waking blood sugar was 192... Which is really quite odd. It's typically 70 or so.

Anyhow. I don't want to be down Yes: this disease SUCKS, and it's not so unimportant as it might seem. Insulin keeps us alive, but sometimes, it does little else. Yet I hope the physiology of the disease will not change me. I don't want to be cranky, on edge, or as stressed as I've been lately. I don't want to act meanly, rashly, or selfishly (though to survive my thoughts must revolve around myself about 50% of the time..). I also don't want to lose any of my cognitive function, as some tests show can happen with type 1s. I guess that's my prayer, though it's still selfish: God, please help me and all other diabetics to manage the disease, be strong, utilize it as a way of honoring You and loving others, and please, if you could, don't take away my-or their- intellect. Amen.

*I've been looking into vegan nutrition and have decided I'm really going to analyze my diet to ensure I am getting adequate calcium, zinc, vitamin e, and lysine. I've been putting everything into cronometer.com as of late and have come up good- except in those areas. I am trying to fill in the gaps with "whole foods," so I've been eating beans 2x or more a day, drinking my fortified soy/hemp/almond milks daily, and eating a serving of wheat germ once or twice a day... Among other things. Even though I've heard (the probably true accusation) that insulin is sneakily designed to erradicate all your pancreatic function, rendering you sicker and more dependent on drugs, I figure I'll be healthiest if I am consistently reaching the RDI (in fact, I reach higher than it; I take Jack Norris' suggestions) of all vitamins and minerals.

But I hardly know..

"Evolution" obviously wants me dead...

2011-08-09T06:10:00.000-07:00

But what does God want?

Is it stupid of me- of all of us insulin-dependent diabetics, including two of my uncles and a few friends- to cling so desperately to life when an act of God/nature which would have killed us all only a hundred years ago has stricken us? Do times really change like that?

I have an issue: when I try hardest to live according to what I think my conscience is telling me, I get the guiltiest of feelings. Soon, I begin to suppress them, because I feel that they can't possibly be right.. In other words, I get to thinking, and usually start feeling as if I am not following God's will for the stupidest of reasons (such as "maybe it's wrong to not eat meat" or "maybe I shouldn't have bought myself that $3 shirt from the thrift store" or "maybe I shouldn't try to interact with anyone.."). Sometimes, I get scared when my conscience comes behind me and whispers that my life is 1. not amounting to much of worth, and 2. will forever be a burden on society and on my family. Sometimes, and because of this I fear to look inside, I swear I hear the nag of one asking "Is it not wrong for you to carry on this life?"

Maybe...

2011-08-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe...

Maybe if I let this glimmer of a crazy idea spread its fragile roots in my mind...

Maybe if I let myself believe that all the craziness, the loneliness, and the absurdity of my life years ago was the strange outcome of a girl on the verge of diabetes, a girl with an endocrine system struggling to find equilibrium...

If I believe past what has been hinted, that diabetes is tied into so much of one's life and that an autoimmune attack brews silently for years- if I extrapolate and say that with my diabetes diagnosis and, in time, with the restoration of my health with the continued addition of synthetic insulin- I can believe that now things cannot and will not be the same. If I attempt a re-integration into society, I can manage now. I think.

Moving on... And then moving on again.

2011-08-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

It's a bit sad, really, how I have to keep moving myself on.. From circumstances, thoughts, depression, old feelings and old connections...

But I don't care. So long as I can trudge through it all, I might be able to construct a new life on the other side. And I want that more than I want a return to all the old times.

Pathetic or not, I keep falling back... But I won't stay there. And THAT's where I finally show some worth.

Now, because I like Carly Simon and because I am a weird one, I will post a sappy song. Ignore the fact that her song is really just her moving on because she met a new man or friend.

Diabetes, you're just not fair...

2011-08-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

I eat barley soup....

And you spike to 280 with rapid insulin two hours after eating? WHY? While I'm at it... What's with you being so darned high yesterday with two hours of walking after dinner?

Alright. I can't have two posts today about crappy blood glucose readings. So, in my fuzzy-headedness, I shall blab about something for you all. Umm...

MY JOB!

I have been unwilling to openly admit for some time just where I am employed. You know how I am a vegan for reasons of ethics?... You know how I wish the human race would have mercy upon lesser (animal) creatures and choose plant foods instead? Well...

I've been selling seafood.

I'm a vegan who smiles and tells people that I hope they enjoy their slab of tuna muscle.

At first, I didn't care. I refused to see any ethical dilemmas in my choice. Later on, I freaked, and wished I could somehow politely drop out of the scene. Now, some time after what was once "later," I have come to an odd conclusion....

It wasn't entirely wrong that I worked selling fish. Yes, I was supporting the slaughter of animals and the pillaging of the ocean (look into commercial fishing's impact on the environment!), and yes, I had to grin and bear it when people spoke of their love of meats and when I had to tell people that a certain product was well-liked by customers. But, vegan or not, I needed- and need- employment. I needed to gain some independence and some work experience. I needed some cash to help buy my "special vegan stuff" (which only amounts to like $10 a week). I needed money to save up for a method of transportation, for shoes, and, soon, for an insulin pump. Also, my employer- a family friend- needed some help and some friendship. Thus, I stayed.

Until now. Very soon I shall work my last day there. I work for a small shop, and am only needed once or twice a week. Now that my 18th birthday approaches (and now that I have stupid diabetes to contend with) I will need a job with more hours. I am happy that I can leave on good terms and that I will have new opportunities, but I feel as if I am betraying the trust and friendship of my employer... So even as I feel lighter and as if an ethical burden will be lifted, I feel a bit depressed and sad... As if one part of the me that has existed haphazardly for the past two years is dying (or experiencing the death of a good friend).

What Ails Ye?

2011-08-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Seeing a number above 120 on my meter is like receiving a C in school.

Seeing 200 or above is like utterly failing.

I don't like how I can't control this all too well. Before my last endocrinologist visit, I thought for sure my HBA1C would be not too good- a 7 or so- yet it was quite acceptable (though still diabetic). I dread this upcoming visit, too, because I don't foresee having a good number (miraculously) again. Too many 200s. I hate to know that the damage is- and will- add up. But I hardly know what to do. Should I eat more fat? Less? Should I take insulin or eat less carb? If I exercise for 30 minutes, will my blood sugar be alright if I eat this extra portion? Etc. My guessing-game almost always is off. But how could it be anything but? I am not a pancreas, I don't know how to be one, and I don't want to be one.

What's With the Obsession?

2011-08-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Now, for a post having little if nothing to do with me or the things I typically carry on about:

GIRLS WHO GREATLY DESIRE NOTHING BUT HOTNESS/THINNESS; ESP. HOTNESS VIA THINNESS.

As much as I wish I were naturally proportioned like those in magazines pretend to be, I cannot fathom as to how and why one would throw their whole life- activities, diet, thoughts, and all- into a quest to appear slim and, by virtue of slimness, sophisticated. I have been 115 at 5'7" and have had no energy nor desire to show off my relatively slim figure (I was too depressed.. Which is, by the way, the reason why I weighed so little. One does not have much of an appetite when one sees little in living). I have also, through the power of hyperglycemia (yay, diabetes!) weighed only 100 pounds at 5'7". Did I look good? No. I looked like I was dying- and I was. Would I, if I could, be 100 lbs now with in-control diabetes? No, because it wasn't- and wouldn't be- all its cracked-up to be.

If health is a chasing after the wind- and believe me, it is, though I still pursue it- then thinness is one even more so. With health, you might be able to be more caring, generous, and personable, but with a slim physique.... Well, you haven't really got much of anything extra to offer others.

My Appetite is Quite Strange

2011-07-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Not even this looks as good as it should :(

Lately, I have had the strangest appetite. Before diabetes, I was always hungry for something or the other, and typically that something (or the other) was a high-fat, sugary (vegan) baked good. At other times, I wanted tacos/pizza/spaghetti/etc., too, but that was a different sort of craving. These cravings of mine stayed with me after my diabetes diagnosis, too... That is, until a week or so ago.

I've been struggling to have a real desire to eat anything put before me. I feel vaguely reminiscent of hungry here and there, and I do force myself to eat this or that, but I don't quite enjoy it or want it. I know I should eat- even right now, I know, I should be eating something- but nothing appeals to me, either physically or mentally. Heck- if a vegan, calorie and carb and fat free peanut-butter chocolate cake were set in front of me at the moment, I don't think I'd want it. I'd toy with the idea in my head, but I wouldn't really have a physiological response to it.

This may seem like it's not that big of a deal, and in a lot of ways, it is not. It gets a little upsetting and/or dangerous, however, when I have hypoglycemia, just finished exercising (which I am still doing consistently) or when its meal-making time and I can't make up my mind as to what I want to begin to prepare.

I think I'm burnt out on calories, carbs, fat, and the rest.

That's A Doozy..

2011-07-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

Blood sugar is 296....

Sigh...

I should have kept the carbohydrate consumption down in the last six hours. Oh well. I hope it's all out and into my bloodstream, because I'm not going to take insulin and possibly wake up sweating profusely and shaky with a blood sugar south of 50. I just hope my low-GI food has already dispersed itself.

I love this, and I mean that in a non-sarcastic way!

2011-07-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

Health? Bah, humbug.

2011-07-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Since my diagnosis with diabetes, health became something a lot more pertinent to my daily life. I thought I was healthy pre-diabetes because I ate veggies and (occasionally) fruits and didn't stuff my face with milk/butter/eggs/beef/chicken nuggets/etc. However, looking back, I can see that my habits, although vegan, were not "healthy." I rarely exercised strenuously, did not watch too closely how much processed foods I ate, or what my portion sizes were for some food best ate in moderation.

I feel great now, even with only several changes to my lifestyle. Yet I yearn for more health, more fitness, more vitality...

That is, until I reach my about once-daily rut.

I am in one right now. I just completed (well, partially completed) one of the infamous BodyRock.tv workouts (what was it called? I can't remember the exact name). Now, after 12 minutes of intense exercise (it's interval training, don't laugh!!), subsequent cooling down, and a slight tinge of nausea, I really want to say to heck with stress and effort put into health. I am tired of wondering how I should lose the five pounds extra I've put on, or how much insulin I should take if I really am going to be exercising two times a day or more...

I want to be the person who gets a high off of daily yoga, running, and intense cardio/strength training. I want to be more toned and have great blood glucose numbers. I want to eat healthy and clean and vegan (that's not soooo hard for me, but I'm just stating it because it's part of the whole picture). Yet I don't want to put effort into it at the moment. I want to relax, not fight this disease. (Ha! It's hardly giving me any issues lately and I still wish to combat it...)

I say this now, but I will wake up tomorrow and take a nice rollerblading trip around the neighborhood. I say this now, but I will decrease my insulin tomorrow....

And somehow, God help me, this isn't going to spiral down into an eating disorder/body image issue.

Yours to Hold

2011-07-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this video/song on here. Perhaps this sort of music is effective most on my generation, but maybe it will be of some worth to others.

There was a time when I looked at this song solely through a romantic view, but that view kept me from appreciating the true purpose of the song and the truest message located within it. You see, Skillet is not just a modern alternative/rock band, they are a modern alternative/rock Christian band: the message of this song is not that a mortal loves us (though undoubtedly there are always those who do), but that our creator does... And that He waits even while we are oblivious to His affection.

Eating Animals

2011-07-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Because I really should be studying and then working out right about now, I am going to be lazy and just post a good quote from a really excellent book, Eating Animals. I encourage everyone to read it- Jonathan has a unique way of being firm in his own beliefs yet not being judgmental or rude in addressing others'.

“It’s much easier to be cruel than one might think. It’s often said that nature, ‘red in tooth and claw,’ is cruel. I heard this again and again from ranchers, who tried to persuade me that they were protecting their animals from that lay outside the enclosures.

Nature is no picnic, true. (Picnics are rarely picnics.) And it’s also true that animals on the very best farms often have better lives than they would in the wild. But nature isn’t cruel. And neither are the animals in nature that kill and occasionally even torture one another. Cruelty depends on an understanding of cruelty, and the ability to choose against it. Or to choose to ignore it.” - Jonathan Safran Foer, “Eating Animals”.

A Twisted Blessing.. Nay, A Curse.

2011-07-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

I have a hypothesis:

The giving of animals for food, the so-beloved allowance from God after the flood, was a curse. Any day I would rather have a fellowship with creatures of another species rather than have the permission to slaughter them. For our callousness, perhaps, we were estranged from nature.

(Beginning of Genesis 9: "And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs...")

http://www.all-creatures.org/sermons98/s20110709.html

"Why do we mourn the death of an animal?
It’s because we have made a spiritual connection with the soul and spirit of that animal, or even the entire animal kingdom.
By comparison, we have no such spiritual connection with an inanimate asphalt road surface.
We may like driving on a smooth road surface, but we don’t form any loving relationships with it as we do with our fellow human beings or animals.
We may even get upset when the road surface begins to break up and gets pot holes, but we don’t mourn it, and immediately want to heal it and rush it to the vet for treatment, for we have no spiritual connection with it."

Diabetic Eating and Veganism

2011-07-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

There's a certain part of the blogging- nay, the internet world- that I have long admired. Almost daily I have bathed (to a shameful extent!) in the posts issuing forth from the great minds who, in my mind, drive the movement. Do I speak of great matters? Do I hint at issues of the heart or soul?

Nay. I speak of earthly things (with, I think, some potential spiritual connection); I speak of something which I lack the wisdom and love to properly utilize myself without slipping into shallow gluttony, literally. You see, I speak of food blogging.

I LOVE FOOD. I am very, very glad that God made us organisms that eat. What doesn't make me glad, though, is that so much of what is ate is derived from animal life. What also doesn't make me glad is that now eating is a guessing game of insulin vs. blood sugar vs. exercise. Thus, I wish to make a feeble attempt at providing a look into my VERY INDIVIDUAL (DIABETICS, PLEASE, BE CAREFUL; I am just a teenaged girl and a fool at that) diet in the hopes that perhaps (at least on occasion) a vegan meal might be enjoyed which will not send one into DKA or into an A1C in the 8s or above.

Today I think I shall comment upon snacks and dessert.

As a food lover, I like desserts. I also like variety (which is good; it helps those with veg diets get a wider variety of nutrients and vitamins), so I like snacks. Now that I have diabetes, most- but not all- of these snacks are 30g or less in usable and relatively low in calories. Here's a few of my favorites, sans photos, because I am terrible at photography.

Snacks

2 tbsp hummus with cucumber (very low GI, only 15g or so usable carb)
Raw cashews, almonds, walnuts, pistachios, or sunflower seeds ( Range from 2-10g usable carb, plus they have lots of fiber and protein).
Small apple, pear, peach, or plum (10-15g carb depending on size and fruit)
Celery and unsweetened nut butter (childish, but I'm learning to love it; I often add a few chocolate chips on top. Typically 5-10g carb)
Unsweetened or lightly sweetened soy/almond/coconut milk (1-10g carb per cup; soymilk has best profile, really)
Small bowl of unsweetened cereal, like puffed millet, with unsweetened almond milk (approx. 10g usable carb)
Builder Bars (these are no as low in carb; they're at about 25g per bar. If I can take that, I eat the whole thing; otherwise, I split it. It's very high in protein and vitamins)

Desserts*

So Delicious' NO SUGAR ADDED COCONUT MILK "ICE CREAM" tops my list because it is phenomenal that a vegan product exists that is sweetened naturally yet has only 10g usable carb for serving. THANK YOU, SO DELICIOUS!
Banana "ice cream." This is nothing more than a frozen small banana with 1/2 cup of a nut/soy milk blended in. Cocoa powder can make this into chocolate "ice cream." (This has about 25g usable carb per serving; if protein powder or flaxseed meal is added, the GI is lowered)
Small banana slathered in nut butter (about 25g usable carb per serving; you can also mash it together)
Coconut milk sugar-free pudding (this isn't very healthy, but... I took a cup and a half or so (your choice, really) of full-fat, canned coconut milk and mixed it with sugar free chocolate pudding mix and let it sit in the fridge. VERY creamy... Yet it has aspartame :\)
Fresh fruit in smallish amounts (This varies widely in carb counts)

* I do not include anything with agave nectar because 1. I am too poor to buy it, and 2. it's not that suitable for diabetics... Or, at least, it is no less suitable than regular sugar.

I have yet to really experiment with what can be done with stevia, xylitol, and other lower carb baking/sweetening alternatives. Maybe one day I shall, and maybe then I can report on some neat recipes.

THE Diabetes Post

2011-07-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've meant to write this for ages. Tonight I finally shall, while the realization of diabetes- already so imprinted in my mind and life- is still somewhat new to my life.

When I began college in the fall, everything was normal: my weight, eyesight, energy level, etc. As the months passed by quickly, the board, however, slowly grew fuzzier in my sight. Eventually, what began as an only mildly unfocused image

morphed into a slew of unreadable and unidentifiable

symbols. When I could no longer ignore the reality that my eyes had deteriorated severely, I took the issue to my mom, who eventually made an appointment for me at an optometrist. Some time later, I found myself facing the characteristic eye chart- and failing miserably. I cannot recall what the optometrist said

about my sight, but I do recall that it would have been illegal for me to drive without glasses... And that I was to inform the DMV of my condition. (Because I live in a family of procrastinators, I never did.)

At about this same time, I began to notice- forgive me for mentioning this, but its the hallmark of diabetes- that I had to urinate a lot. An exceptionally high amount of times, actually. At first, this meant perhaps 6 or so times a day. Initially I attributed the increase to the increase in fluids I'd been so unusually guzzling. Then the urination frequency increased: I tried to keep a running tally of each day, but it became tedious and I often forgot. I do remember the numbers, though: 15 one day, 17 a next, etc. While I was awake, I had to use the bathroom.. ALL THE TIME. All that hand-washing, especially in winter, dried my hands terribly. Fissures formed over my knuckles, causing my hands to feel rough and ache with rawness. Another thing the handwashing caused (along with my high blood glucose, though I did not quite know it yet) was a fungal infection in my nail, which I'm still fighting.

More annoying, though, than my urination was what I felt inside my body. My thirst grew greatly, and soon only sugary drinks would quench it even temporarily- and I mean temporarily (I'd be thirsty again in less than a minute). I drank from every water fountain I passed, rushed to every bathroom every fifteen minutes, and- this is what began to really worry me- had no energy and achy calves.

As Christmas came and left, things got even worse. My formerly 120 lbs body was at 110 and losing weight steadily (a pound or more a day, actually). Lethargia kept me laying down nearly all the time; that, combined with my thirst, kept my boyfriend busy as he shuttled water, snacks, books, etc. to me. Fuzzy-headed, I could hardly even repay him with worthwhile conversation- I could scarcely concentrate. When I went to sleep at night, I prayed to God that something terrible wasn't going on, and when I'd wake to the most terrible leg cramps I've ever felt, I knew that prayer was futile. My mom worried that I "wasn't eating enough fats," and, because I'm a social recluse, only her, my grandmother, and my boyfriend were worried.

The last days before my trip to the doctor and then promptly to the hospital were spent first at my grandmother's house and then my mom's friend's house. It is then when things really began to feel dire. With my grandmother, I lazily followed about as my aunt, grandmother, as we went from store to cafe to store to store to home. I ate a great deal, confident that I'd "pay for it" on the scale. Baklava, cookie, tons of hummus, soy ice cream... I ate far more than my share and the next morning found I had lost three pounds overnight. I was at 107.

Without pause, the next day I went to my mom's friend, Jeana's, house. Again I indulged. Again I drank more than my share of liquids. In fact, a strange thing happened with her: I brought a bottle of water with me in the car on the way to a local mall. I finished it in a short amount of time and planned to drink upon arrival at the mall, about ten minutes from

where we were. However, her son engaged me in conversation, and as I replied my mouth's moisture was quickly eroded. At first it was hardly an issue... But in five or so minute's time my mouth was parched as it NEVER has been. I could hardly form words, I could not swallow, I could not articulate but the simplest words- and that with a lisp.

After arriving back home from my travels, I was ready to request a doctor's visit. This I did and my parents quickly obliged. My weight was 100 (I am 5'7").

Now, up to this time, I still was stupidly unaware that I had diabetes. I knew my symptoms matched diabetes', but, being a vegan, I was worried I had what ex-vegans claim was their ultimate health downfall: some super terrible deficiency, possibly of a b vitamin. I had began to take B vitamins and protein powder as my health deteriorated, hoping they would help. Everyone else, though, seemed to guess at the truth: my teachers, my grandmother, Jeana, my boyfriend, my aunt... Yet I could not fathom that I would get an autoimmune disease (it's still funny that I have one).

Anyhow, the doctor knew immediately what was wrong. Without tests of any sort I went to the emergency room. While I was still in doubt, they tested my glucose level. "HI."

Yep. Diabetes.

I stayed in the hospital for two nights/three days. My initial glucose reading was 638 or so; very, very high, but not record-breaking. My family and boyfriend came to visit each day (no friends had I to come see me...). They gave me three glucometers, two sorts of insulin, syringes, a sharps box, and test strips, then sent me off. I wasn't really ready to deal with all the diabetes-related things, and I'm still not. I don't think I ever shall be ready. It's a hard thing.

Posted here are some pictures of me in the months before my diagnosis. My weight,initially, was 120-125 lbs. or so. In these pictures, I had already lost weight, energy, and, of course, the function of my pancreas.

Summer of 2010; still healthy and likely not diabetic.

Semi-skeletal; dull and listless.

This one's sort of funny in that I was considering taking advantage of a free diabetes test that was offered in the area this day but, out of fear, decided against it.

Sunken cheeks, but not so terribly dead- looking.

I did not take any pictures in the "last days." I felt ugly and was ugly- pasty, painfully thin, lacking exuberance. I did not want to be photographed... Though it would be interesting to see such photos now, if they existed.

Diet, Health, and Diabetes

2011-07-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

I spent (as is my custom, really) some time today delving into the not-oft spoken of detrimental health effects of low-carb paleo diets (I am interested in them because they pit themselves 1. against veganism, my diet of ethical/health choice, and 2. as a wonderful way to manage type 1 or 2 diabetes). By diving head-first into the massive ocean of contradictory health claims, I am emotionally ready to be done with- for a while- the notion of health via a certain diet (this excludes veganism, which I desire to uphold mainly due to morality). I am quite willing, at the moment, to drift within my vegan parameters, eating this, that, and the other thing in the portions I desire and watching to see how I felt, looked, and weighed. Yet I cannot do so.

Why? Am I addicted to the control of my diet?

Maybe... Yet even if I am, there is a greater force keeping me from NOT worrying a bit: diabetes. I must count carbs, fat, fiber, and protein so as to guess when to take insulin and how much to take or when to exercise and how long to exercise. Thus, I am stuck examining my diet and worrying about whether it truly will wreck my long-term health to indulge in too many carbohydrates and take the insulin to cover or whether it would be best for my short and long-term health if I ate vegan low-ish carb (nuts, veggies, some beans, seeds, soy...).

In reality, I just want to enjoy food. I don't know how to fully do this with diabetes. Then again, the varying consequences of food choices have slowly been unfurling to my mind since my vegetarian conversion. (Rarely is a food without its negative effect, except, perhaps, home-grown "veganic" non-starchy vegetables. They seem like a safe bet.)

Anyhow, because this is something that shall not disappear, I must adapt to it. I don't want to begin to stress over something as hypocritical as what non-animal food to choose. I just want to be thankful for the food, savor it, and still have a good glucose reading. ;)

This is summer....

2011-07-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

Somewhat-carefree hour long walks where the slightest of prayers are just barely and very unexpectedly answered. Wandering through the catacombs of a forest that, though ever changing, is forever abandoned and forever so grateful when I again traverse its trails and reminisce with it.

And, diabetes be darned, making myself a smoothie to combat the heat.

Speaking of with, I shall retell a somewhat funny tale:

My grandfather, now deceased because of heart disease, was a type 1 diabetic as I am. Once, while experiencing hypoglycemia, he was driving erratically: so much so, in fact, that he was pulled over. The policemen who pulled him over assumed that he was drunk, for he was incredibly unruly and kept insisting that they allow him to reach into his pocket, where, unknown to the policemen, there was a candy bar. For a long while they denied him that privilege. Eventually, he punched one of them and was arrested. Some while afterward it finally came to light that my grandfather was not drunk but only in desperate need of glucose. I do believe the charges against him for battering a police officer were dropped.

Carpe Diem

2011-07-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

God- yes, this is actually for Him- I am so ready to be open, caring, and responsive. I want so much to connect with people. I just need some luck, some candidates, and some help in the whole righteousness department, and I will be faithful... To You and to others. Somehow, God, please give me a chance at being a friend again.

The Consequences of Falling to Sleep Whilst Listening to the Smashing Pumpkins

2011-07-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been unable to recall (mostly) my dreams, for they're absurd blobs of half-formed sorrows and disappointed expectations that don't make much earthly sense beyond communicating... Sadness. Anyhow, I think I might have found the remedy, strangely enough, hidden in the melodies of the band which best communicates the sort of sorrows present in my dreams: The Smashing Pumpkins. I listened to them as I (quickly) went to sleep and had a characteristic (of Kristen past, that is) dream: I found myself staying in a house kept by an overwhelmed, corpulent, and Southern old woman whose son either was Satan or frequently served as Satan's puppet. It was comically scary... I told "Satan" that vegetables and fruits would help with his constipation.

(You'd dream of Satan, too... LOL)

There was more to my still-absurd dream, but that's the only highlight worth a mention.

In other news, I still hover at 130 lbs. BAH! I don't think I'll ever be able to regulate myself between 120-125 (my preferred weights) with diabetes. I used to fluctuate: sometimes, I'd eat more; other times, I'd eat less. Now, because of the set-up I'm on with long-lasting and rapid-acting insulins, I have to eat 1800 calories a day- at least- to keep away hypoglycemia.... Which means that I remain at this darned weight. BAH.

Speaking of diabetes, I intend on doing a post here dedicated solely to my experience with it in the beginning and before I knew I was diabetic (NOW INCLUDING the the oh-so-interesting account of why I still have nail fungus!).

That's My Ancestor!

2011-06-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched (well, watched all but the last ten or so minutes of, because I fell asleep) the movie Luther.

I was quite happy with it. I really liked the sort of personality and drive they portrayed Martin Luther as having. It was much more... Spiritual.. Than the typical Lutheran church. I do not know yet if their portrayal of the unfurling of the Reformation is accurate, though; I need to look further into the matter. (All they teach you on Reformation day in the Lutheran Church is that Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the church in Wittenburg, attempting to combat Catholic corruption, and that Martin Luther had spent most of his life in terror of God's wrath.)

Martin Luther, by the way, really is one of my ancestors! Somewhere along the way, he was my great great great great (etc.) grandfather or uncle or something. Too bad in reality the man lacked the Romanesque face and the slender frame... In fact, he looks decidedly German, and Porky Pig-ish. Mayhap if he had ate some more vegetable matter and less meat he would have been more slender and had less issues with constipation... :p

What I'm Thankful for... And, because I have the right to laugh..

2011-06-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go straight for the inappropriate (in a non perverse way) part of this post. I have diabetes, and dang it, I have the right to think this is one of the best things ever.

Ahem. Now that that is done, I can get to the actual content of this post. Today, in an effort to be less BLAH, I am going to simply list what I am thankful for.

The food I ate today. It was delicious and a great deal of it was fresh.. And raw!*
The fact that if I keep my carbohydrate intake at 30g net carb or lower per meal, I can skip bolus shots... Today I haven't had any and have had good numbers before meals!
The "old tyme" photograph of my boyfriend and I sitting next to the monitor. It's a good photo. I should post it.
My pretty-much very pleasant vacation two weeks ago.
Seeing my younger cousins, aunt, and my (also diabetic) uncle in Indiana.
Weighing 130 lbs but still having my normal clothing fit!
The peaceful, almost serene walk I took today. (It was gently raining and the sky was a light grey.)
Being ahead in one class, on-pace in two others, and only a bit behind in the fourth.
Tutoring my mother's friend's son.
A decent "harvest" of lima beans from the garden.
Having a still-unopened jar of Artisana raw cacao butter...... I cannot wait to try it....
Insulin analogs (especially since it is now derived from bacterium, not pigs or cows).
My boyfriend, Wesley.
ASPARAGUS! I love it!
(Not my photograph. They're just cute.. And yummy... And low carb.)

And that ends that.

*I am attempting a dietary cleanse of sorts, half-inspired by The Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. On vacation, you see, I ate tons of processed foods (and some non-processed, too, but still) and a lot of carbohydrate. I desire to lose a pound or two, eat healthy (which would mean, at the moment, more fresh/lightly cooked non-starchy veggies, fruits, and less grain products), and get my blood glucose numbers into the really good range (80 mg/dL or so before meals). Thus, I am going to eat high(er) raw- today was about 60%, I'd say- and avoid gluten (but only for a short while on that front).

A Simple Night

2011-05-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

I went on one of my (used to be) signature walks tonight. It was a beautiful occasion to do so: slightly windy and, although cloudless, with a hint of impending storm in the air. For a moment, it was nice to be alone and in the ever-more-slightly-decrepit streets of my neighborhood.

I do like being alone a lot more than other people seem to. In fact, when I've been surrounded with people for more than, say, a day, I relish time spent completely alone. But, except for (thankfully!) the presence of my boyfriend 3-4x a week, I have, perhaps, too much time on my hands in which to be with me.

Because of my affinity with being alone for a great chunk of time (at least, more often than other people tend to desire to be alone), I used to fancy myself as a private person. But reality proves otherwise. Last week, my pastor commented on how I tend to say private things (nothing too private, I'd hope) on Facebook. Those things I say- little things, inklings of things, random thoughts I wish people would listen to in real life- are outpourings of a spirit starved, rightly or not, of relationships.

My boyfriend, only somewhat jokingly, says the reason I haven't any friends is the fact that I have chosen to be a Christian vegan and have unwillingly become a type 1 diabetic. That, combined with my natural tendency towards shyness and my seeming inability to adequately connect with people so as to make them see me as a source of a friendship, makes for a kindly (I'd hope) yet lonely self.

At this point, despite all the difference, despite my doubts, despite it all, I'd love to just have a decent (girl) friend. She needn't be vegetarian or vegan, just need to be willing to try the vegan cookie or breakfast pizzert here and there. She needn't be Christian, just open to hear of my various spiritual quandaries. She needn't be diabetic, just able to shove sugar down my throat if need be or inject me with my brand-new, shiny glucagon shot (lol). She needn't be as much of a stick in the mud as I, just be okay with a typically-toned down friendship and have the ability to remain sober. She needn't be pretty, thin, healthy, or anything. She'd just need to want to be my friend, and that is the problem.

Because I lack such a friend, I allow my thoughts (my pearls) to fall before others who care not (swine) in such an unrefined and vulgar manner as to render them immediately coarse and base (and to render my being as a trampled, shred of the human I'd like to be). Because I am shameless, I shall not discontinue this practice.

For instance, my future fertility is heavy on my mind. Secondary amenorrhea has set in, and though the outcome of the blood tests I took nearly two weeks ago have not been divulged to me, I fear my diabetes has brought on PCOS or some other similar hormonal imbalance. Whatever it is, the absence of my period seems a harbinger for the absence of the ability to have a biological child. That, coupled with my semi-poor blood glucose control, worries me that any child I might have will either 1. die of miscarriage, 2. be stillborn, or 3. simply not come into existence.

What Are My Roots?

2011-05-18T19:52:00.001-07:00

I used to know the answer to such a question: writing, reading, sleeping, thinking, long walks alone, praying, deep conversations, dreams; in other words, melancholy mixed with depth and joy(the effects, I'd say, of higher living). I was lonely, I was sad, and I was bitter quite often, yet I knew who I was and who I should have been (which is not who I was, by the way).

Now, I'm not so certain. Wait. I am certain, I'm just not as able to connect. I know it's all the same and that it is all still there, if only I would slow down or crash enough to remember how to be me (at least sometimes). My life is ensnared, or so I'd say today: at home, a set of problems entangles me; with one friend, another; with another group, yet another; and so on for every situation I find myself in.

I suppose this is what stress is. Before, I despaired over life and death. Now, I despair over the intricacies of life and of growing up. Strange: the former worries did not tax me with such strain as these ones do.

I miss the people I used to dream with. Where have the dreamers gone? Drugs enveloped some, life and the running of time, others; but what of me? Why can I not dream so happily alone as I once did with others?

Better than that: God, why have you given me no clear way to dream with others? Those I am close to lack spirit to dream, and I am slowly draining, too.

Wods of Advice to an Unlikely Person...

2011-05-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

Should anyone be parent/caregiver/family member to a recently diagnosed type 1 diabetic teenaged vegan, this may be of slight interest to you. (Especially if you are not of the vegan persuasion.)

Listen to the initial request of your child/family member/friend/etc. when they ask you to incorporate more meals that you all can eat TOGETHER into family life. Eat healthier foods with them.

Pay attention to what they eat- even if their dietary choices (seemingly) threaten you in such a a way that you love to put them out of your mind. It gets very disheartening to have to recount that yes, you've already ate and that you ate ___ and yes, ____ should have a decent amount of carbohydrates. In fact, it wouldn't hurt to actually look into how to best deal with teenaged vegan diabetics/plain old diabetics/plain old vegans.

------------------------------------------------

Can I admit my anger here? I am not just disappointed. I am not disheartened. I am angry that my parents have taken no steps to help me with my diabetes or my lifestyle choices short of giving me cash to purchase my "special foods" and by picking up my supplies and bringing me to my doctors' appointments. If I lived elsewhere, I would mildly wish my parents were more involved. Because I live in their home, the whole matter depresses me: they shall not change, and neither shall I... And if they cannot realize that I am offended and hurt, I shall not tell them. It's likely my fault, anyhow.

A First Day of Summer's Prayer..

2011-05-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Lord, let me be centered yet free; blissfully weak with a strong effect; and let me love your creatures and all your creation, human or not.

Amen.

For His Creation He Does Care...

2011-05-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Brian D. McLaren, for writing your book Everything Must Change and reminding me that God loves all his creation: Man and woman, pagan or Christian or Jew or Muslim or Hindu, human and animal, animal and plant, etc. For a long while I've longed for some indication outside of myself and my own interpretations of the existence of humans, animals,and nature that God has a concern for those things which I am driven most towards.

Nature is not only God's blessing to us; nature is God's loved, intrinsically-worthwhile masterpiece. That, in my mind and interpretation, is why we should not only appreciate it every once in a while but commune in it daily, fight to protect it, and not desire to be far from it- in distance or in deed.

Fitting for the day...

2011-04-22T08:53:00.001-07:00

Happy Good Friday and Earth Day to all. Thus far I've spent mine researching the Great War.

Morning Prayer

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Let me to-day do something that shall take

A little sadness from the world’s vast store,

And may I be so favoured as to make

Of joy’s too scanty sum a little more.

Let me not hurt, by any selfish deed

Or thoughtless word, the heart of foe or friend;

Nor would I pass, unseeing, worthy need,

Or sin by silence when I should defend.

However meagre be my worldly wealth,

Let me give something that shall aid my kind –

A word of courage, or a thought of health,

Dropped as I pass for troubled hearts to find.

Let me to-night look back across the span

‘Twixt dawn and dark, and to my conscience say –

Because of some good act to beast or man –

“The world is better that I lived today.”

Is Today the Makings of a Future Nostalgia?....

2011-04-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

When I do my running/walking routine at night-time, I get a good opportunity to sneak a peek at the lives of the many lower-middle class people living around me (I, too, of course, am lower-middle class).

While I (silently) huff and puff and (loudly) clomp by, the open windows of bedrooms, living rooms, and kitchens reveal the mundane life that seems to be led by all: half-dressed (yet not scandalously clad) people, exhausted, with a computer open (likely perpetually) to Facebook and a television to watch from their perch on the couch; a person rinsing a dish; the light ring of a the a (nearly defunct) landline phone in the distance; the sound of muffled music. Will this life be what I, when I am older (should I grow to be older), look back on and miss as "the good old days?"

Will there come a time where I will wish for the quaintness of the days when every 10 year old lusted after a needlessly high-tech and expensive cell phone? Will I grow misty-eyed thinking of the days when our grandparents still had house phones and sent emails? Will I look back with a smile on the mass exodus first to MySpace and then to Facebook and all the junk that emerged via those routes? Will I laugh at my own silliness in recording thoughts on a blog- or, even more depressingly, paper?

I won't know today, nor tomorrow. But perhaps someday...

Yet I fear I shall be the first generation that lacks an age of innocence, no matter how ultimately untruthful that term is, to admire.

BLAH! YOU'RE ALL BLAH!

2011-04-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

I need to counter self-righteousness in terms of religion and diet without exposing myself to the contradictory scientific arguments and convoluted ethical mumbo-jumbo used to rage against both the belief in Jesus and the belief in the implementation of a vegan diet.

(Yes, I still haven't learned my lesson. Nearly every day I confront all the different viewpoints, much to my head's ache.)

In non-headache inducing news, I have been tremendously irresponsible in terms of school and life lately. I have done no volunteer work, am behind or about to be behind in multiple classes, and haven't created anything that I feel is an expression of, well, my creativity. Add to that the fact that I nearly always forget to read my bible and pray more than once or twice a day (I like praying multiple times a day for many different things), and you have one increasingly stressed blogger here. (Now that I think about it, this is headache inducing news, as well.)

One more thing, if you would: I am feeling the familiar draw to make friends but am still lacking the relational energy needed to do so. And you- eh, you probably don't even read this, so I could likely name you- come around as it suits you; making empty promises to get what you want at that moment. I like to believe that you don't realize that you are pathetically and weakly "stringing me on" (as much as one old friend can string another old friend along), but these incidents could hardly be seen as isolated... I hardly care. I have suffered through the worst; if things get better, hallelujah. If they don't, well... Where is the you I knew, anyway?

What a mixed-up post this is.

Vegan Disaster Plan And Some Miscellaneous Thoughts

2011-03-31T07:33:00.000-07:00

In response to my finding out about the book "The Vegetarian Myth" (which, as with ALL books, has some well-deserved critiques of it available; don't trust her arguments at face value. Research) and seeing the small yet strangely substantial public exodus of vegans about a year ago from their veganist ways, I am going to make an escape plan for myself, should all else fail and their claims that only meat could heal them be true (which, at this point in time, I doubt... ). I don't know why I am making this public, except to demonstrate the need to realize that as a human I am only ever one step away from a fall from grace.

Now, before I put down my little plan, I do feel the want to clarify that I haven't had meat- or intentionally consumed meat stock or meat fat- in almost four years. At all. I have not "cheated" in that respect, as some ex-vegans claim they often did while being a "vegetarian." I have not had dairy, eggs, or their by-products intentionally now for almost a year (yes, I was vegan before that, too, but out of laziness decided to return to eating junk [and I do mean junk- I went back to consuming candy bars, for goodness' sake] and realized that I wasn't missing anything and was living in discord with my values). With that said, I am sometimes not as observant or inquisitive as I should be. Perhaps once a month I run the danger of having consumed minuscule amounts of something I do not desire to consume, such as nonfat milk powder in bread. Please, believe me when I say I do not often do this, nor do I use this "ignorance" as a license to eat the animal products I claim to eschew.

Anyhow. In a worst case scenario wherein I am somehow perishing from want of animal protein or heme iron or something along those lines, necessitating that I consume some sort of animal product (outside of honey, of course, which I mentioned I do consume), I will turn to eggs. The eggs I will turn to will, if I have my own house and yard, come from myself and the chickens I will buy for that purpose. If I cannot do so, I will find a trusted small-scale chicken raiser and purchase the lowest quantity of eggs needed for my health. If that does not work, I shall incorporate those disgusting bits of rubbery meat- oysters- into my diet, for they, apparently, feel no pain.

But, God help me, I never desire to lapse into a free-for-all view of animal product eating, especially meat. My necessity for it- if ever one does arrive- will not make the death of a sentient being any less cruel or any more right in my mind.

With that said, I feel really great. Since my diabetes diagnosis, I'm eating better than ever and have more energy and more pleasant moods.

Now, for the rest- I believe I shall change the layout of this blog. While talking recently to W., he remarked upon how this blog- this portrayal of me- is very one sided and glum. That was it's intent and purpose, I have to admit: it was made to showcase the darker side of my life; the side not quite shown in public. But perhaps I should better balance this blog... And so I shall likely be changing the color scheme if I can find one that still suits me. Maybe then I shall be, with a bit more ease, more uplifting.

Food Obsession

2011-03-30T08:41:00.001-07:00

"Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

I admit it!

Food has become an absolute obsession with me as of late, and it is driving me insane. The difficulties of 1. maintaining my weight, 2. eating enough to get me through exercise sessions without going into insulin shock, 3. being a diabetic in general, 4. eating healthy, and 5. being vegan are, lately, taking up a great part of my brain.

I need balance in this situation: I do not believe it ethical to consume animal products (excluding honey: sorry bees), nor do I believe it to be healthy (especially for me! But read the China Study if you wish to hear more of a professional opinion); I cannot eat with abandon unhealthy foods for fear of short-term and long-term diabetic complications; I cannot eat too little or not enough for fear of aforementioned insulin shock. Combine this with my inherent (yet occasionally haphazard) environmentalism, wish to be frugal and not waste my "special" vegan foods, and desire for social justice and you have a girl who now devotes a shameful amount of time to thinking what she should eat for dinner. Or as a snack. Or as an evening snack. Or if I need a quick blood sugar pick-me-up. Etc.

That all being said, I am not wholly consumed. I can still back down and find some balance. Yet I sense I should act soon, for I've been neglecting some very important things (such as spiritual development and charity), and without those things, I can sense that something in me is developing awry. One positive thing: it makes me realize again what "dust" I am and how terribly selfish and, in fact, evil I am and shall be always while I live.

Nothing a little prayer can't fix, I'd wager; but in the mean time, I am giving myself a headache! Or maybe that's just my needing to eat soon.

Oh, Insulin, Where Would I Be Without Your Prick?

2011-03-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

The second title to this post is "I guess I'd be dead by now."

I wanted to provide an answer to the question everyone (and by everyone, I mean no one) has been asking: what's it like to be a type 1 diabetic vegan?

Well, I'll tell you!

It's not that different than it was before, in a lot of ways. At least not right now- after the initial shock has worn away and the ever-impending complete cessation of pancreatic function looms in the distance.

I've long stopped asking God when I would have died, mainly because I am pretty sure that time has already elapsed...

I've almost stopped whining that I can never again pig out on carb-rich (or any other, really) foods. That said, I've also lost some of my zeal for healthful eating- but I've retained enough of that to keep up a more healthy and well-rounded version of my former vegan diet.

I'm eating complex carbs (yes, glorious carbs! Diabetics, fear the complex ones not!), vegetable proteins, and vegetable fats. (Perhaps too many of all three.) I'm eating peanut butter out the "wazoo" (whatever that really means...) and more than my fair share of tofu, sweet potatoes, pumpkin seeds, bananas, grapefruit, avocados, spinach, and quinoa. I tend to eat a dessert every day. I eat tacos, lasagna, spring rolls, oatmeal (LOTSA OATMEAL), "fudge babies" (and other Chocolate-Covered Katie creations), smoothies, soups, and my personal favorite lately, stir fry smothered in coconut milk on brown rice.

I exercise in my own slightly pathetic way each day: sometimes I'm the silent, awkward, and weak half-blonde/half-brunette girl taking her pathetic rests between reps of 50 on the shoulder press, sometimes I'm the girl (slightly) huffing after her one-minute running interval. Other times I'm power walking at the park, past all God's beautiful creation, or doing yoga in my bedroom and failing at keeping my balance. Often, the calories I exercise off are almost immediately re-consumed when my blood sugar dips.

Yet really not much feels different. So far, I wake each morning anticipating my testing and my injecting and all "that jazz" (such an asinine thing to say); so far I take my little kid-ish pink camouflage diabetes tote thing with me everywhere I do; so far I have not neglected to take my juice box in hand as I traverse off , but I'm wagering one day I just might forget all-together.

Which could be bad.

But it might all be "sound and fury, which amount to nothing."

And that's precisely what my life is at the moment! :)

Why Do I Dwell?

2011-03-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

Out of a lack of self-control, I suppose, I spend far too long analyzing the snippets of others' lives that are available to be ogled at online. I come up short, continually: I feel unintelligent (for I feel I have not portrayed myself as such adequately), quite unwomanly (which is, more or less, true), unattractive, not quite able to be "fun" (which, as I age, comes to mean more and more that I refuse intoxicants and some of the more self-serving, useless pastimes), and, generally speaking, an all-around stick in the mud sort of hermit.

This phenomena, I know, is not limited to me. I see it in action subtly in other's conduct and words. Pop psychology has also mentioned it. Something about living our lives online makes even the most popular of us, it seems, feel as if we are in need of more attention and more reverence for being unique. I am not popular and never have been. Mostly, I don't want to be popular- too many negative trade-offs would have to be made and, frankly, I don't have the energy to invest heavily in shallow friendships. Yet I wish I were seen as beautiful, smart, and creative... Selfishness makes me desire such things, I know... There are higher ideals to be strove towards, and I would do well to concentrate on such things instead of my own rather unalterable traits.

The Fruit It All Bore..

2011-03-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

Reading Fast Food Nation has made me realize two things:

1. Ayn Rand's philosophy- though not named as such- is quite akin to the great visionaries of the American 50s. This saddens me: a part of me, raised to love America and believe the great lie of a righteous, blameless one, still operates within my mind. I must force myself into realizing the truth of the matter...

2. The great innovations of the 50s, all designed to increase speed, availability, and comfort, and to decrease human effort, have come to utterly destroy us. We are disconnected from nature, work, love, pain, relationships, and humanity in general. What was intended to create a happy utopia ultimately made us into this subtly miserable dystopian reality...

What seeds do the progressives of my time sow? I cannot know.

The Gospel According to Me

2011-03-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

I am no longer afraid, at least intellectually.

God places no weight upon me to agree with all those who are Christian by name or deed or truth. (If he did: ha! There are far too many beliefs...) In fact, he doesn't even require that I whole-heartedly believe what the congregation I am a part of professes. (I make this statement on the basis that God requires a relationship and not adherence to a religion- not to say that relationship won't manifest itself into adherence.) Therefore....

I believe God doesn't want humans to eat animals. I believe God did create animals for their own pleasure and for ours, just as we were created for both our pleasure and his. I believe it is unethical to kill what 1. desires life and 2. has been deprived of a natural life. I believe that by looking at the outcome or "fruit," if you will, of meat consumption, I can see that nothing but environmental degredation, suffering, and danger comes from the practice. Therefore, I believe it is wrong to consume meat. Am I forming God in my own image? Perhaps. Could I be wrong? Perhaps. But I have examined the issue and see no logic in nor feel any compulsion to excuse the consumption of flesh. All have formed God from what they know- that doesn't mean he doesn't exist objectively, however- and if I have erred, I pray he have mercy on me.

Yes, I have departed from common Christian vegetarian wisdom... But my faith is NOT weaker because I refuse meat. I do not intend on pulling any away from God or Christ but wish to pull all creatures closer to God's intention.

Which do I fear: humans or God?

2011-03-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

That is the question...

I won't go into details. I have told as many people as need to know my dilemma(s); I have brought upon headaches and dread in thinking through the issue and its ramifications. Being human, I am tired already of deliberating... But I cannot and won't give up on the matter, for surely above all else, God must be against the complacent, no?...

C.S. Lewis on Heaven

2011-02-28T08:18:00.001-08:00

Small excerpt from The Problem of Pain by my beloved C.S. Lewis:

"You may have noticed that the books you really love are all bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot out it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all [...] Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw-- but [...] you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him [...] Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for?"

Thoughts on Vegetarianism and God

2011-02-23T10:21:00.000-08:00

This list will not, alas, demonstrate the thoughts of one who is well-versed in logic or whose great insight into matters really has a chance at shedding new light on situations. This is just a collage of sorts of various viewpoints on the matter and my corresponding thoughts.

With that said....

If God's intent is to redeem a fallen world and if, as it states in Genesis, all creation was vegetarian in the beginning (meaning no death of beings capable of feeling pain or pleasure), then should not Christians hold a general interest in returning to this state, just as Christians are to be zealous in returning love, charity, and meaning (all of which were natural to creation initially) to a fallen world? Or is vegetarianism something seen as a lesser good- a thing that shall be rectified in heaven but is perfectly permissable on Earth? If so...
Has God no mercy upon the lower animals? I can comprehend His loving humanity above all (because we, as far as reason can show, are imbued with a bit of God's nature [reason] which other animals lack; at least to the extent we have it), but I cannot quite see his gladly (gladly being the key word) giving the lives of countless of his other, lesser creations so that we may eat something that is more or less (in most situations) unnecessary. In short, I can't see God not caring for the lesser animals (after all, he made them, too), and if He cares for them, I can't see His considering their death an optimal thing.
C.S. Lewis, in his book The Problem of Pain, dedicates a short chapter to non-human suffering. I have yet to finish it, so my observations thus far may be inaccurate of the piece as a whole; however, he seems to view animals as falling into two categories: in the first are the higher animals, such as dogs, cats, livestock, dolphins, etc., and these animals may be said to have a soul through their human caregivers and therefore might have eternal life; the second category- lower animals- lack this vicarious soul. I am curious as to whether or not he shall directly answer the question of consuming any of the higher (or lower) creatures; I suppose he shall answer in favor of doing so, for I see no indication that he practiced vegetarianism.
On that great site of wisdom, Youtube, I saw a video not too long ago telling Christians to beware the demonic deception of the Animal Rights movement. Obviously, this upset me, for I have long struggled with my identity as a Christian vegetarian/vegan. Most Christians remain indifferent to the issue or state that meat is a God-granted privilege, to be truthful, I see both positions to be lacking (the first because I fancy that they are unwilling to change their statement should they decide that the ethical thing to do is abstain; the second, really, is likely in most people to only be a modification of the first, except they believe they have reached an ethical stance). If the issue obviously wasn't too big of a one in the history of Christianity and if the Bible does indicate many times over the killing of animals for sacrifice and consumption and the fact that false doctrines may arise in the Church and lead some astray, then it can be assumed that the Bible is either indifferent towards the matter (which would be strange, considering it is an ethical choice) or offer only the consumption of an omnivorous diet as God-pleasing, if natural, choice. Yet my conscious and reason tell me that this could not easily be so (Granted, I am fallible and able to be deceived).
If only for health and environmental purposes, the Church, if it will not advocate a vegetarian diet (not force, mind you), should incorporate some of its tenets into its functions. For instance: many church functions I've attended (hosted by many different denominations of Christianity) offer food that is known to be quite unhealthy (hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, pizza, ice cream, sausage, etc.). This in a country where so many are afflicted with illness due to poor choice in diet! Not only that, but the environmental toll of such unappreciated and generic meat is great and shall only serve to burden future generations (should they even come) with greater levels of pollution, famine, and poverty. The Church, to show love in all ways it can, should help promote health, not death; it should protect all, not exacerbate their future endangerment; it should help all to make wise decisions and perhaps assist church members and non-members to learn the true value of food and appreciate it as a gift from God.

That is all for now. I hope everyone is well.

Family

2011-02-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

I don't often view family as a force all that integral to my life, yet it truly is. My family is (largely) a blessing, as all families should be; I have had the blessing myself of being awakened to that fact by, as always, my grandmother.

Starting with family- those people whom I share genetic information with, those people who (well, some of them) possess this same disease, those people who bear me because I was born an innocent child into their clan of sorts- one can move on to love and respect others, I think.

Scared

2011-01-31T18:12:00.000-08:00

What's the number one thing that has been bothering me since my diagnosis?

Not the pricks, the blood, the insulin... Not the logging or eating or exercise.

It's the selfish fear that so easily floods me. It is not far today; rarely is it far at all, actually. Every small perception felt deep within- the types of pains and changes in feeling that might before lead me to assuage myself with "it's surely nothing bad, it will pass in just a moment" push me to question whether or not I am in a safe zone and how long I should be "safe."

Today I went on a small errand to help a friend. After no more than five minutes, a feeling of weakness came upon me and I realized that I was relatively "marooned" without sugar nor monitor. I made the trek back, shaking, hesitant to talk, and wanting little more than to cry, cast off this disease, and sink into a bed more comforting than mine... Prepared myself for the worst.. And discovered that I was, I suppose, just fine.

I used to like being solitary. It was relaxing and liberating. Now, I am wary of going places without the presence of a close friend and scared to traverse about where there are little to no people about. I have reverted to being a child: I don't want to be left alone! I am scared... Scared that the feeling will come upon me quickly when I don't have anyone to watch over me and make certain I can get over it. Paranoia is what it is becoming...

Forgive me for my over-dramatization. I just don't feel so well today. Things aren't so bad; they shouldn't even be so scary. Yet when I look at this, my life as it must be, all laid out, I do feel a bit depressed...

My Morbid Countdown

2011-01-14T04:22:00.000-08:00

I am doing pretty well (or, at least, I think I am). I have few legitimate complaints and even less desire to complain of them (or, at least, I think I do). My diagnosis is nothing spectacular or tragic in today's day and age.

In the back of my mind, however, with fear and jest together I wonder where I might be on the timeline of my life (so to speak) if I had lived only 100 years ago. Would I be dead yet? The doctors said I would have began having serious complications in a few days had I not been admitted and alerted to the death of my pancreas. I suppose those "complications" would have put me in a coma for a short while and, eventually- perhaps a few days- sent me on to face God.

Yet modern medicine has brought me back towards life from my previous path to death (death from diabetic coma/starvation, at least). Modern medicine will ward off future complications- for a while.

Hopefully, God has a plan; if he doesn't, then only chance saves me from a fate that would have stricken me and ended my life in my seventeenth year. The thought is unsettling.... Good thing in the past year or two I have gradually began to believe that God does have some form of destiny preordained for all, which one may follow more or less or not.

My Family's Bane

2011-01-07T05:40:00.000-08:00

After a bit more than a month of strange symptoms and the loss of about 1/6 of my previous weight, I have been carted to first the doctor's office and then the ER of a children's hospital where it was made immediately manifest that I have diabetes. I stayed in the hospital two nights (it wasn't too bad at all) and have only spent this night at home.

The evening was scary. I lied awake, wondering if my sugar was too high or too low and would fail me, somehow, as I slept. Unease and dread created a sickish feeling, which exacerbated the problem.

I hope this shall fade as my blood sugar patterns normalize...

And through this all, I find it funny that I really and truly do have a chronic disease; the one visited upon many in my father's family.

No one will care.... No one will care.

2010-11-12T19:39:00.001-08:00

I suppose she's dead. I cannot be sure, because her path never crossed mine and made any huge difference; she and I were quite different and I am not sure I'd have ever been able to be her friend or even desire her friendship too greatly. Yet I did not despise her.

I suppose she's dead now, because that is what everyone is saying on her now (surely) defunct facebook page.

The words people leave are thoughtful, I suppose: they say they miss her and I can imagine that they do or will. But life goes ever on- and much faster, too- for her friends here show no sign of sadness on their electronic manifestation of their psyches. Their lives go ever on in mundane actions and thoughts.

I wonder: if she is dead, is the life she lived worth it to her? I assume she is somewhere, just not alive on this planet. Was her life what she desired it to be? Did all the teenage averageness amount to a life that was fulfilling?

I don't say this to shame her or her memory. I hope she had a life better than what I would expect of any teenager. I wish she wasn't dead: not only because it shakes my fragile ego, but also because I don't want her to be dead. I don't want someone my age to run into the completion of their life now...

Desperate for Attention

2010-11-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

I am really more in need of social stimulation than I'd like and far more than I'd like to admit. Most of the time- I am satiated sometimes- I am on a quest to garner the attention and admiration of somebody, somewhere. It's a little despicable, is it not? Yes, I know it is. Yes, I know it is silly. But I like to think that it is me wanting terribly to have a network of friends, not me wanting to have a web of souls whom I may suck vitality from and enjoy feigned admiration from.

Perhaps one is just a hair-breadths away from the other...

My despicable desperation is made even more so by the fact that I intend upon being secretive and cultivated; I pride myself on time spent alone in contentment. Yet I have lately spent my alone time secretly hoping that something new would sweep me up and away from my books, my words, my staring...

I am just mildly lonely. Yes, that is what I am... Not crazy, right? Not a selfish narcissist looking for a reason to have an evil ego? Part of me- good or bad, I know not- warns me away from my foolish desire of much social interaction; warns me that I might be lead astray or take liberties I need never take.

Being alone is simple and pure. It is just maddening.

Notes From the Underground

2010-11-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

Life, life...

The intellectual, or, perhaps, "intellectual" life can so easily be a ridiculous one. This is well demonstrated both in my thoughts, past and present, and in the novella Notes from the Underground by the brilliant Russian Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

Notes From the Underground is absurd. The main character is helpless, hopeless: he is right, always right, yet he cannot be right. He cannot be right in his insane and egotistical drives to both distance himself and integrate himself into society. In the end, though he strives for both (to distance himself from the lowly, uncultured people around him and to be respected and admired by them), he is ultimately spurned, though not at all in the way he really desired... Or is it?...

The main character echoes my neurotic and self-destructive impulses from years past. He and I were both given to romantic delusions which led to real-life anti-climatic, absurd events. He and I both abandoned ourselves to passions "outside of our control" when the urge so swept us; we both refused to let go of a twisted paradigm constructed from intense periods of observation, reflection, and cultivation of lower parts of the intellect.

I did enjoy following through on my romantic ideals. Smashing my boyfriends "clubhouse," scraping my legs and arms in the process- "hurting myself even more than he hurt me!" I thought. Allowing myself to be led to all those harsh words, borne of contempt and being largely ignored. It's a lot like the main character's desperate flight to avenge himself in a duel upon the popular , prominent person he so detests (and only because he chooses to).

I like the main character, even if he is outrageous and nonsensical. Sometimes, I miss my romantic delusions... Then they come upon me again and ruin everything and I am quite happy to be largely rid of them again.

Restless

2010-11-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

I miss the fight I'd put up for that which I didn't believe in. I was a hypocrite, oh yes! But with all that bitterness I had primal resolve. Resolve is something I may soon need again: I have tried over the past year or so to be something better than what I once was and it is time to take the next step.

It will soon be time to devote myself.. It will be time that I throw off the amoral freedom of childhood's indecision and pledge myself to what I believe in.

Yet within my nature is the not-so-infrequent supremely pointless acts of absurdity.

Today, I initially wanted nothing more than to run about my known world with no rhyme or reason, frittering here and there, shattering the perceptions people hold of my sanity. I wanted to do things which had no explanation nor product. I used to let go of these urges whilst amongst friends who knew me well or well-ish, and generally speaking, they were bonding if only because they were uncouth. Now, such outlets are blocked from me for multiple reasons. Perhaps I should grow up and renounce my crazy desires.. Sigh..

Yet absurdity or newness is what I crave very often. I desire better friendships with everyone I know. I am a bit lonely- only one person is available whenever I need him (and thank you)- and do wish that the relationships I have been forming within the confines of school clubs or classes would expand a bit to include something with depth.

Perhaps then I wouldn't be so restless.. Or, if I were, I would be so in a different, lighter-hearted way.

Is it Safe to Admit..

2010-10-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

That I am a sinner? I have viewed such a thing as a given to all, and certainly it is. I always supposed that to casually admit flaws meant that one had accepted their sin and desired to leave it be.

Perhaps I am wrong, though. Maybe some deep appreciation that I AM A SINNER need be made for me to advance. I have been all things in my seasons: lair, cheater, sloth, miserly, etc. I fear I shall return to them (as a dog returns to its vomit, nonetheless) in time; I fear I may not have been affected by the Gospel as is fitting for someone who professes Christianity.

My outside is clean, relatively-speaking, but all who know me better see the darkness I harbor. Those who know me not think me simple and a sort of pure that is open to corruption... I am soft-spoken, quiet, reserved... But the deeper parts of me have welled up within and have had little release. My deepest good and evil alike are hidden. I am not as openly hatred or judgmental as I might be, but I am a far, far shot from the understanding, caring, long-suffering person I desire to be.

I simply don't like opening, so when I do, it is with backlash. Tonight, I had an enjoyable conversation; tonight, I feel like a fool for speaking at all. Did I say anything too uncouth? No. Did I say anything reproachable? Nay. Do I feel like a fool? Yes.

I am a sinner. Worst of all I know, in fact. Something has to change, for my life falls outside of all expectations held to it by any creed. I do not sleep at night feeling I did all I could or loved like I should have.. Is that what God's grace is for? Or have I still fallen grossly short of even His grace?

After reading my first proper science fiction book in a long while...

2010-10-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

I am struck with how delicate all life is- not just my own. All of life could be obliterated if, perchance, some fluke in space tore apart our Earth's atmosphere, or if our sun breathed its last far, far ahead of time; or if gravity ceased to operate, or if any other of these intricate, life-supporting mechanisms I have no true idea about malfunctioned. Not only is my life fragile- I could die if one simple mechanism in my body malfunctioned in just the "right" way, or if I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong bus, plane, car, street- but all life is fragile. There's some huge, hostile environment that this world- all my world- is suspended in...

And it just doesn't much seem like there is any worldly comfort quite worthwhile. Nay, there certainly isn't.

As an ending note, the book I just read after hearing ample allusions to the movie was... 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The all telling Wordle...

2010-10-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

Denn du bist was du isst

2010-10-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

In my minute-long struggle to think of a decent title for this post, the song Mein Teil by Rammstein came into mind. The above quote- in German, because you are what you eat- is near to the concept I first had in mind: you are what you do.

I haven't been doing much lately. I've been acting like an unconcerned existentialist: full of lackluster things that I really should or could do; possessing much doubt as to whether I am capable in spirit or intelligence to be anything like what I dream. The saddest part about all this? I spurn the thought of having little concern and I don't wish to be an existentialist, nor do I believe I consider the basis behind the doctrines of existentialism to be true.

Let us just say I feel like a nobody. I cannot tell whether that assumption is healthy one or an unhealthy one; I cannot discern whether it is true or false; I cannot even extrapolate on the topic without feeling foolish, needy, and weak. Really, I am mostly satisfied with life; I don't much mind my relative isolation (especially from those my age). I usually don't mind that I discuss not the innermost parts of myself with others, but every once in a while...

All around me are (what I am sure are) simple illusions of friendship and content, yet still they entice me. If I am not so bright, why do I not connect with the masses, whom I should be on a level with? Why can I be cordial, understand them, more or less, but not really befriend them? If I am not so average, why do I not connect with those whose depth of will or intelligence I admire? Why- and this question's immaturity kills me every time- does no one see me as not only nothing but as nothing special?

I know, intuitively and from all the reading and thought I've given to what is of worth in a human's life, that human beings must ultimately derive their sustenance from something deeply ingrained within themselves (preferably God, I'd say- I still view Him as the only surefire way to avoid the greatest loneliness of being human). I know I should not care so much whether I am intelligent in comparison to others or whether I am beautiful as compared to the cute, blissful-looking young women I occasion to envy. I know it is foolish-impossible, even- to seek and expect to find contentment with oneself whilst always comparing oneself to another. It's a character defect in me I will one day have to fix. It just might be a bit easier if I were more often able to feel like I didn't lack the basic human ability to connect with other humans.

In the meantime, this flaw prevents me from making better of what relationships I do have... This, too, is foolishness, but I know not how to rectify it.

Recent Occurrences: It's Not Homophobia.

2010-10-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

I will write tonight on something I have no control over. I have no authority but my own in which to state my opinion on a matter of extreme sensitivity. Having said thus, I hope I may, through my typical effort (or lack thereof) justify myself and my view of the world.

Recently, bullying against homosexuals (and those thought to be homosexual) has been a huge issue in the news, on my college's campus, and nearly everywhere else. For me, this speaks not of an issue of people not accepting this particular group or their lifestyle- homosexuals and homosexuality- but in a more pervasive issue that is what truly demands attention, thought, and action.

I hear, day in and day out, in other's words and my own, in my thoughts and other's writings, in songs, movies, books, and articles, hate. We are today incredibly adept at demeaning others (to their face and behind of it) with no qualms or second thoughts. It seems that we all begin on a simple level- thoughtless reactions to preconceived feelings about alternative beliefs, lifestyles, etc. We thoughtlessly make fun of what might be another's most sacred concept. Because the progression of lack of respect for others at this point is not too advanced, we are able to feel guilt if the wrongness of our action somehow strikes us; we might even regret our actions or words. Soon, however, such inhibitions slip away. The modern man-" free" of their own "judgmental tendencies"- I.E., religion and belief in core values- is set loose to ridicule whatever and whomever we desire (and how alluring it is!). It becomes second nature to lack empathy... And then...

We easily- gladly, sometimes- arrive at the logical end of all this: we become murderers. Yes, murderers. Those who drove any of those teenagers/young adults to kill themselves are, for all intents and purposes, their very murderers. They supplied the ammo to what may have already been a depressive personality's "gun," they feared not the consequences of their heartlessness, and they show no remorse for the blood splattered all over their hands, heart, and mouth. They brought them there, they left them there, and then, most cruelly of all, felt no guilt over the loss of a precious human.

This problem is UNIVERSAL. It cannot be solved only by promoting tolerance for gays. It must be combated, as much as possible, individually. We must choose to love others; we must try with all we have to survive the hardships we inflict upon each other so that one day we may conquer those tendencies and lead another to do the same. It's not a perfect solution... But nothing on this Earth was ever perfect since about 33 AD.

And it's about time we really began to look into the message that perfect man had. Life is not quite life if you lack the most basic human quality: love.

Whatever you were, you are not.

2010-10-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

In that fact I rejoice.

For each realization that hits me brings less and less of a sting and more and more of that subtle acceptance which I so wished I would never have to face... I never wanted to fall to the depths of despair and be helped up and out only by myself, God, and the occasional merciful act of a stranger or acquaintance... I wanted to fall and be picked up; I wanted my distrust of life to be transformed into a wonderful adoration of the human ability to connect to each other and remain loyal, despite all circumstances. I wanted the bitter tears I cried, waiting, to be recognized, respected, and ultimately conducive to the reinstitution of a thing un-began.

Instead, I was made to gradually learn that not all that glitters is gold- even if it once resounded in your heart as a truth that could never be adulterated or broken. I was made to realize that life, like death, is something that will always be experienced alone- though, of course, you may have your moments of higher connection and need never be devoid (nor should be devoid) of human interaction. I have learned that I can brighten someone's day, but not always their life... I can feel something with all my intensity and not budge someone else's will. This I have realized in the nearly three years since the era I experienced of mental isolation and bitterness at life came to an epoch when I saw the first blonde boy who I ever had liked.

The old meanings to my life are slipping... Nay, they have slipped away. Where once there was a yearning for an impossible abstraction, there is now a desire to explore and make better that which is more tangible. No longer can I with easy conscience call up an infinitely trusted friend; I must delegate all things (those day-to-day, or even once in a blue moon, occurrences that bring sorrow, shame, or anger) to their proper place in the scheme of life: oblivion. I do not despise God, nor His ways, though I do, at times, wonder at them. I do not despise those who have "wronged me," for they haven't, if only because I no longer wish to hold them to any of it. ( Besides, I have surely done twofold worse to them). Such is life..... Not "not worth living," but neither is it the dream I always wished it might one day be. It's still worth it. I just hope heaven is a lot more suitable to my tastes, if and when I may ever get there.

Flux...

2010-10-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

Fall.. It is the season wherein I am most able to be happy and most able to feel deep melancholy. I really do have to fight to keep an equilibrium and to not indulge my natural tendency to romanticize and dwell in my sorrow...

I shall write no more for now.

The Night Mare, revisited

2010-10-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

"so may you come with your own knives

you'll never take me alive

with all the force of what is true
is there nothing I can do?"

There never really quite is anything to do about anything. This life is one that forever increases ones longing for connection whilst with subtle trickery replacing, piece by piece, your loved ones with a straw man of a figure whose every whim threatens to rule your life, should you allow it.

I am very sad today. Fall awakens within me the longing for that cruel world of dreams which I spurned while it lasted and lamented when it left. I want my friends back. But what sickens me is the irony- the karma, perhaps- of the situation. In my early adolescence, I was untouchable, it seemed- able to cast aside whomever I willed and focus instead on some self-absorbed pursuit. Within only a few years, the scales of justice turned, and now I receive little to no mercy from those who I once loved, then hated, then loved again. It's maddening, and I would that I had never, ever treated anyone like this...

Yet still I am not penitent: still I am jealous and self-indulgent.. Nothing short of a miracle could dissuade me from this path..

Do I still continue on? Do I ride on, and if so, for what purpose, if any, beyond the hope that I might be found worthy of mercy on Judgement Day and might impart some weak points of love unto others?

In so many ways am I am cruel and double-minded; I must wait for this irrational passion to leave me, yet again, so that one day it might never again return. One day, shall I honestly not feel the sting of the perceived loss of those who I most firmly decided to cling to at one, far-away point in the desolate region that is the past?

(My) New Thoughts on the Good Samaritan...

2010-09-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I know I am an endlessly accidental recycler of other people's long held ideas. I do not care, because sometimes I wonder if anyone could ever have an original thought (I.E., a thought never, ever thought by any human) in today's world, where we have had at least 6,000 years of humanity thinking, warring, caring, hurting...

I tend to think that humans are meant to be and are, if un-tampered with, good and moral beings, endlessly caring about each other's strife. This keeps me relatively surprised whenever evil comes up, but never in a position where I must abandon the idea for long, because, after all, the "tampering" is what hardens us so. Anyhow, as in times past, some senseless acts of human cruelty have came to the light of my consciousness and upset, alarmed, and humbled me: one of my psychology class's lectures was about social psychology. Being about social psychology, it, of course, mentioned Stanley Milgram's infamous experiment (one I have been aware of for years now... That surprised me not) and other experiments conducted that are similar in purpose and outcome to that stereotypical one.

No, the experiments shocked me only mildy. What really stuck in me were the case studies of humankind's mindless disregard for one another and just how easy it is to ignore people even in their greatest distress. Before, I had read of a man struck by a car and ignored for an ungodly amount of time as he lay dying (or dead) in the street as people and cars passed by, and that article, which I have kept in my now-practically defunct "Apocalypse Journal" shocked and appalled me for months when I first stumbled upon it in the newspaper. That is a more recent occurrence. Two days ago, I learned of a different case, one that is likely already well known amongst those wiser and older than I: the partially public murder of Kitty Genovese. To keep things brief and to hide my ignorance, I will not discuss that in detail (seeing as to the fact you likely either know of it or you can easily click on the link I just embedded).*

The fact that human beings can find ways to ignore even the suffering and death of others of their kind is something terrifying. Being caring and empathetic is NOT something that comes naturally to adult humans; self-centeredness is. It is not uncommon for the priest and Levite (referring to the first to people in Jesus' parable to pass by the hurt man) to pass by and ignore the man in desperate need. We easily explain away our selfishness with pathetic excuses that we have important engagements, time will not allow it, or that we just simply cannot be expected to help everyone. The Samaritan, however, was somehow less hardened; he put aside himself to accomplish a greater good. Such an act is one humans are meant to do, but one that life works with its utmost strength to prevent. In other words, it is never an accident that good occurs. If you are not prepared to do good, you will not. If you close your eyes to other's small misfortunes, you will not have the courage nor opportunity to save a life.

That realization scares me. My deepest desire is that one day, when I am tested, I will be found to be brave enough to rise to the occasion of following my heart and soul and helping that one person who might one day need me. Yet I am lacking in day to day empathy: I turn away when I see a stranger cry. I usually forgo the opportunity to help the harried mother or elderly lady carry their bags or stroller off the bus. I don't share my blessings as I should but instead hide them away to be used while no one can spot them and desire them. I am often to shy to even give people a soft smile to show that, whomever they are, I am glad that they are around... Instead, I look down. This is all wrong; it is all paralyzing and hateful. So many little things could be done, yet...

Yet...

I threaten to remain within myself until it is too late.

*Side note: While writing this, I looked into the Wikipedia page for it (the page I linked to) and see now that there are some misgivings over the true reality of the attack and the real reactions that the neighbors had. However, even if the ordeal was not as radical as my teacher stated, it is, nonetheless, an abomination that corresponds with other instances of public apathy (such as the Holocaust and the aforementioned man struck by a car).

Paranoia..Or..

2010-09-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

Have my posts lost any of the depth and unusual air that, if not ever actually present, I wished for them to carry? I meant to speak of abstract things here; I meant to leave out names and anything incriminating in the least. I wanted to paint the only picture of me I could still hold sacred- one of my own workings and thoughts as I pass through time.

Perhaps I need to again make an effort to rise above the petty things of adolescence- nay, the world- to be more pure of mind, thought, and emotion.

If I committed a crime..

2010-09-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

I would accept the penalty. Why is our justice system based off of the idea that whoever has the most convincing yet fallacious lawyer can be considered "innocent"? Even if- God forbid- I murdered someone, I would admit it and not try to hide or pretend that I am, in fact, most innocent.

Conflict

2010-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

In the world of college, I am forcefully exposed to all that, hinted at in my independent studies, I could barely delve into, refute in reference to me, and subsequently ignore largely. Evolution is the ultimate reality behind both biology and psychology (not to mention history and, to some extent, philosophy). All of the world's beliefs are stated as if they could and do all make sense together and are all capable of producing a caring, fulfilled person in this life and the next. Feminism is given exaggerated importance (as if anyone really cared.. I mean, even I care not. So long as women can be seen as competent now, I feel no need for retribution in the past). I would not say I believe any more in these things, philosophies, or theories than I did before. I would not say that I gave much of them more validity in my life. I would say that it has been contributing to the crushing feeling that not only am I

Unimportant and undistinguished from millions of others, but
Even more catastrophically, am judgmental and ignorant to the highest degree for thinking myself righteous, intelligent, or right in any lasting way.

I had a dream last night, in fact, where both of those principles slapped me in the face and took my idiotic delusion of being accepting and decent and revealed it to be a self-deceiving fake. I had a party and invited a small group of miscellaneous people from my past. One of them- a self-labelled pothead who was a love/hate friend of sorts in elementary school- looked very different than he ever had. I told him this with the idea that my taking notice and conversing with him would somehow make him feel better, and he surprised me by responding not with anything that logically followed from my small talk but by telling me that I was a tense, judgmental thing. His words stung all parts of my ego and sent me off, hiding from him, myself, and all forces with reason (including my own mind).

Such thinking, in real life, might ultimately do me good. But this process- if it is even working for good at the moment- is producing a me that is not only too tired to make friends or maintain friendships to satisfactory levels, but that feels I really am too much of a burden upon the free, liberated bunch of people who are my peers. Add that to the fact that my ego is suffering a terrible blow because my reputation of sorts as a sort of wise, mature young lady is falling out of vogue in favor of a view that I am just, well, a normal girl.

Maybe I wouldn't mind being "normal" if I, like normal girls, had friendships and mannerisms that would allow me to be content with my lot and have fun, which is, apparently, the highest pursuit these days. But I attract no one; no looks come my way. This is good, I suppose.. No men pursue me. But neither do I warrant any real attention.

Is the world really this impersonal?... A question I hardly dare to ask..

Gosh, I feel ancient.

2010-09-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

I do. I have an immortality complex; I am incapable of facing such defeat as death. My idols live in my mind, my God is, hopefully, living in me (though I so often don't feel him). I can not die: for I am me, my only true humanly confidante and only force capable of animating me.

Does this make sense?

I don't feel I could die and "sleep" forever. I have never believed it and could never, ever feel it. I am me, and the force of me is sooo menial, ultimately wortheless, weak, but unquenchable. I will either live forever or burn forever.

I could never end: How could I? I am me, my ways enrapture me. My imagination spreads me over all of history! I am dark and gloomy, as a Victorian; I am free and light, as if I were one who enjoyed youth in the 60s and 70s; I am modern and open, like the general populace around me that irks me so. I am the avatar, now, of my ideal Form. I am the enslaved me staring at Plato's well-known cave wall and laughing, laughing, because I am all I know, and even I can hardly know me! My ideal me finds me just as hilarious and God, whom my Form mirrors, would have mercy on the both of us because life is just funny and absurd when it's not sad.

Is it egotism? Do I believe myself an end to all means, divine and earthly? Do I see myself as superior to all others and the only truly living thing in a world of illusions I construct? No.. My sadness ensures I stay grounded and may harbor silent empathy for others. I hope this shows in other posts, because right now I am the other side of me: the yang that rarely ventures out to replace my yin (both of which are easily forgotten and left by the wayside as I autopilot towards death). I am the hardly-seen side of the true me. Long live my dreams and the depth of my feelings! Long live my faith, so that it may grow. Long live me, so that I may die under grace with a purpose having been served. Long live the night. Long live novels to integrate into my reality. Long live Scotland and it's doppelganger in my head; long live the Smashing Pumpkins; Long live the weak yearn for love that is the more selfish component of my spiritual longing for it. Most of all, long live the Earth and its inhabitants, for I ask mercy upon us all... Never death nor damnation.

"Whir" lyrics

I've wasted all my years

Been chasin' all my fears

For another brighter than you

I gave in long ago to make it to the show,

But it's not easy when you're alone

All your prayers

In my ears

Don't you care?

Whir yourself around

Just to fall back down

Whir yourself around

My honey, little girl

C'mon, lets go for a whirl

It's still early, the sun is sleeping

She says she wants to marry me

She says she wants a baby

It's not easy when you're scared

Whir yourself around

Just to fall back down

Whir yourself around

All your prayers

In my ears

Don't you care?

My mind feels like..

2010-09-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

A bog of sorts: a less-desirable place where all sorts of eerie things arise daily. I shall post again today, but I have a thing to attend in approximately 14 minutes on the constitution.. And I still need to awkwardly eat my medieval bean slop and two chocolate-graham cracker and white-chocolate peanut butter snacks.

I really must..

2010-08-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Write poetry again.
Begin to cook more of my food and better plan my meals.
Find people I'd like to be good friends with and FORCE myself to be friendly, open, and available.
Be friendly, open, and available to anyone who would suffer to desire me as a friend or confidante.
Find ways to gain more energy- I can't have fun without energy, and I can barely stand to run... Though I operate on "empty" for long stretches of time, I never can quite muster strength to be playful.
WRITE SHORT STORIES AGAIN.
Re-re-re-re-re-read The Lord of the Rings.
Read more Ray Bradbury novels (still my favorite author.. Though C.S. Lewis is coming in a close second, I'd say).
Read War of the Worlds, Lord of the Flies, Tom Sawyer, and A Tale of Two Cities.
Paint my room- and pronto.
Find the etymological origins of the word "pronto." (Spanish? French?)

That random age..

2010-08-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

Soon, very soon, I wi.ll turn 17, which does not faze me too much beyond the fact that it is the first age I have hit wherein NO ONE you meet is quite it- sort of like 22 or 32. Due to my nature, I think that this should not be so- I should romanticize the passing of time and bemoan my mortality (prematurely, perhaps). But this year has been one with very little effort or time put into it; therefore, it has yielded me little favorable results in my life and further increased my isolation. (One good effect of that is: I no longer moan in public internet spaces, such as this one, over my relative or complete loneliness or insignificance, for I have had to learn to stomached both).

In fact, from this point onward, I shall increase my level of openness, for I have been forgotten nearly in complete. Very few of the people I know will occasion to read this, so I am safe to speak of the effect of conversations, encounters, and other such thing with the other 99% of people who inspire me to feel.

I will begin with a morning visit today I received from my oldest friend who, out of the awkward clash of all we are and have been and wished to be and will be, I am still hesitant to name as "friend," (not out of malice or lack of want). I am happy that she still comes to visit me- still suffers to speak with me- and I swear I've had to purge myself of most of the tendencies that caused, initially, our demise. Yet whenever I am around her the future turns to haze and the past, which I have long loved, is revealed as a parasite to the present. She and I reminisce and all I can thing about afterwards is

How I've been rudely awakened to the dark side of my nostalgia;
How things just are not the same for anyone, including me;
How the future, ironically, turned out just as I feared even though I learned, a bit, to be a better person; and
How I just can't muster the creativity or "fun" to make any new memories or inspire anyone to want me around.

I want friends still. In fact, even with all the changes we've both, respectively, undergone, I'd still love to have my friend as a "best friend." But such a thing is no longer something guaranteed nor something I deserve or can truly live up to.

My party is soon. I wish things would blow my mind and be as they used to be: everyone getting along and breaking down all those petty barriers we'd all erected about ourselves; everyone finding out that ____ wasn't so bad and really quite cool to know. But I don't think so. I think it might just be better for my ego if I were to forgo a party and cut my losses without facing reality: no one, except my boyfriend, knows me too well anymore... And even he has no real reason for enjoying my company. I am no longer any fun, really: I am both adult-dull (which I don't find to be dull!) and scared to death of sin, judging others, being hypocritical, and a host of other things...

I don't know how to operate very well any longer. Even in my depression and hatred, I think I was easier company, if more judgmental and cruel at times.

On recommendation..

2010-08-09T17:41:00.001-07:00

I have decided to compose a list for the day of things to be grateful for. Forgive me if some are double-edged in their wording.. Today's not so great (hence the need for the silly darned exercise):

1. I am young enough to change some of what is wrong with me with God's help.
2. I have a boyfriend that treats me well.
3. I am enrolled in four of the six college courses I desire and may make it into the other two, as well.
4. I found and read The Freedom Manifesto.
5. I have two Smashing Pumpkins CDs.
6. The people I love are still alive.
7. I have two new houseplants.
8. I am relatively well prepared (I think) for my Chinese exam tonight.
9. I was able to go to Hospice house today and be around people I enjoy.

Sigh.. I don't like being ingrateful, so I suppose I should learn to love such seemingly childish activities.

I hardly understand myself any longer

2010-08-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

Things wouldn't even be bad at all if I could just pick up a pen and write or sit down to type out my thoughts as I used to. How can writing fail me? Nay.. How can I fail myself by being unable to write? Writing has been my best friend, worst enemy, the most eloquent portrayal of me to the least intelligent one, a mediator between myself and I and a distancer between the elusive myself and them.

Has writing solved any of my problems? No.. But it has taken my natural propensities towards expulsion of others and subsequent desire to again behold them, spite then love, happiness then regret, and let just enough of the mental pressure I would and do store to trickle forth so that I was unable to ever quite completely lose my sanity or my life. In that way, I suppose, it was the work of God, keeping me up all the evenings long, lamenting the twisted course of events that my life was composed of and scratching every letter with hatred of life itself because I stained my own paradigm of it with my very existence.

No, no one ever knew my hate nor my remorse. No one ever felt my love, though they knew my darkness. It's not quite fair, but, under the assumption that others may have or may one day feel the same regarding me, I will bear it, and, perhaps, find strength to write of subjects new and, at least occasionally, uplifting.

Finally...

2010-07-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

I saw The Guidestones of Elberton, Georgia (the "granite capitol of the world."). I find them to be quite strange: a new age monument stuck in the middle of the South... A huge stone reminder of morality that isn't Christian in nature amongst the hundreds of Baptist churches. They are relatively sturdy laws... But I, for one, look to the churches' teachings for guidelines.

(Alas.. The photograph looks so non-mystical...)

"That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool..."

2010-07-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

I must admit there is at least one easily present virtue to men: steadfastness to a cause. It's always us women who, through burying our strongest sentiments, lose ourselves. We break the hearts; we betray ourselves and the ones we love. Literature is full of tales (Catherine Earnshaw... Daisy Buchanan...) and, I am sure, there are hundreds of tales hidden in the hearts of those I pass by who have suffered under a woman's capricious heart and her deceptive ways.

I have witnessed it, in part, myself (even in the short, ridiculous years I have lived): a man can love a woman easily, so long as she is present, decent, and able to be kind, but his love cannot and will not sustain her. When separation comes between the two, she may harbor a desire as deep as his to be re-united one day, but she will never consent; she has constructed a new world after forsaking her first and the gates to her decrepit, forgotten realm of the past will never again open. At first, she is silly in her double-mindedness: casting aside love for the draw of money, talent, or fame; later, she is murderous in her desire to reconcile two opposite forces into her being.

Take it from Daisy, the woman who,to the very end, left behind, betrayed, and ultimately killed Jay: the very best thing a woman can be in this world is a beautiful fool. If luck befalls you, you may never have to love (nor even know what love is) and easily secure the love- nay, life- of a man for the years to come, never compromised, conflicted, or at ill-ease.

"Go, and do likewise.."

2010-07-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

From this place, I am wrung, until dry;
All streams cease, yet again hope will flow.
I am but one life- and with that, a selfish one-
The reality of me is not as it should be; my
Hope comes with change.

Today, we studied a rather commonplace and inoffensive parable of Jesus's, recounted by Luke: the (ever-foolish) Good Samaritan. I know not the extent of any of your (my potential blog readers, that is) theological training in the Christian faith is, but I suppose that the tale, which involves a beaten, dying, and twice-ignored man rescued by who would normally be considered his religious and cultural enemy, is a popular one even amongst the most unknowing.

The Good Samaritan story has always filled me with a childish hope that, one day, I would have the opportunity to save a man (or woman's) life and to do so at my own expense and peril. That sentiment lives on in me, and for all I know, it may still need to come to maturity- lose some of it's childish glory. Yet my church- ever Lutheran and ever conservative in all manners of living-
did something wholly unexpected; they took the tale that so clearly speaks of sacrifice and unconditional love and did, perhaps, the most dehumanizing and unChristian thing to it: made it all about us and our safety.

(Disclaimer: should any Lutheran, whether a member of my specific church or not, read this, I tell you I do not renounce the creed of a Lutheran, just our responses as a whole to the Gospel {yet still I am an ultra-regular member of a LCMS congregation, to my perpetual disheartenment}.)

Jesus was NOT a safe man, and following him was no safer. He lived a life contrary to everyone else's of that day: where general religion dictated that revenge was warranted if it was "just," Jesus told his disciples to literally and figuratively "turn the other cheek" and be humiliated, hurt, robbed, or made insecure rather than retaliate. Jesus spoke to women (GASP! Them and their menstrual cycles!), Samaritans (as stated before, the Jew's cultural/religious enemy), and the lowest sinners. He overturned tables in the temple (my favorite Jesus scene), , and even allowed what was one of his closest friends and students to hand him over to those who desired to have him dead...

And if any doubt stands as to whether Jesus expected behavior of the same weird caliber when it came to his disciples and followers, the answer is all too clear: all throughout his ministry, he told his followers they would be hated, prosecuted, and killed; he told them they must be different from the world, yet reside in it, so as to help and guide who they might.

Which brings me back to the parable today. We were instructed to call upon the authorities should such a modern day "Good Samaritan" issue arrise. Do not stop; call 911. Do not help individuals; donate to organizations formed to do so.

That's all fine and dandy until you consider that such actions cost us nothing, and what costs us nothing does little for us or them. There is little love in donating money to a faceless cause. There is little love in standing by, as so many did in an article I clipped from the newspaper years ago telling of a man struck dead by a hit-and-run car who lay in the street for a relative eternity before anyone really was inclined to care.

A photograph accompanies the story. The man lying in the road is all of our shame, as is the one on the street corner and the one dying of malnutrition, half a world away.